Monday, November 14, 2011

BFLY 500!

Although comments have been zip zero nilch since October 11, 2011, my blog has reached and surpassed a (self-set) milestone of 500 views!!!  Yaaayyyyy!! 

I am an aspiring writer but also a serious procrastinator so my recent works have been few.  As is the case with my blog posts; I've been much better about posting recently but they're still a bit irregular. Nevertheless, some people feel compelled to at least stop by and take a peek.  It's a good start, comments or no comments. Just knowing that there is a readership out there inspires me to continue posting so, for my 'sneaky readers,' I am thankful!  :-)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Work (Week) Interrupted

When I started my current job, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my new office environment was just as cool as, if not more than the one I left.  My new supervisor was great and my coworkers turned out to be friendly enough; either people were nice or they were indifferent.  As an added bonus, not only were my new work hours flexible, where I could choose any shift to work (between the hours of 7 am - 6:30 pm) but I could also choose to have a day off every week or every other week, if I wanted.  Of course, being the kind of employee who requires a mental health day often, I jumped at the opportunity to have a regular day off, in addition to the weekends.  In order to have this kind of schedule, though, one has to make up the hours during their regular work schedule. I didn't like the idea of being at work for 9, 9.5 hours every day so I chose to have one day off every other week as opposed to every week. This meant I'd have to work a half hour longer each day of one week and 45 minutes longer each day of the next week. My off day of choice: Manic Monday! 

Everybody hates when Sunday rolls around because it means you have to get ready for work on Monday. Well, not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  At least, not me every other Sunday. When my long weekend comes around, it almost feels like it's my birthday or some other holiday. While everyone is pulling themselves together, mentally and physcially, to face the work week once again, I am moving through my day with not a care in the world.  I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm walking around with a smile on my face....all day. I don't rush to do anything or go anywhere. The mere thought of not having to rise the next morning, with the sound of my alarm (after the 10th snooze hit) brings so much joy to my heart, it makes me wanna party. I usually do have a glass of wine or light cocktail in celebration of my 'easy like Sunday morrrrrniiiiinnnnnnn' Mondays. Sometimes, I try to get my sisters to hang out a little late that Sunday some cards, shoot the sh*t, get a little buzzed.  But, more often than not, they have partied hard all weekend....or have saved that Sunday for household chores or family time so I don't get to use my Sunday night as a Saturday night party subsitute as much as I'd like to.  In any case, I find a way to enjoy my long weekend and for that extra day of rest, I am thankful.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Baby, You Can Be My Motivation.....

As I think about the days, weeks and months ahead that it will take for me to get my health back in order, I remind myself how much the hard work and sacrifice will be worth it. Not only will I look, feel and be better but my overall quality of life will improve. Some of my interests will change, my abilities to accomplish goals I've set long ago will be restored, refreshed or renewed, shopping for clothes will no longer be a (physically and mentally) painful experience and getting housework and related chores done will no longer involve a 24-72 hour recovery period. All of these things should inspire me to put down the buffalo wings, get off my ass and move it move it  put into action the knowledge I've acquired on how to lose this weight....and they are definitely on my list.  But my main sources of motivation come from the people in my life.

I know (because I've tried & failed many times) that I cannot lose weight for another person, but there are those who can serve as the proverbial 'battery in my back.'  The ones who, when they come to mind, make me want to do and be better. My #1 human motivating factor is my dear A'shari. Waking up to my gran-diva every day, knowing that the times we'll share in the future will be greatly enhanced by my good bill of health, peace of mind and sunnier disposition makes me want to get up and get moving. The older she gets and the more she develops, my importance in her life becomes more obvious.  She is so precious and curious and deserving. I just can't imagine her going through life having to settle for memories and stories told to her about her grandmother. No, that just won't do. I have to be around to make great memories with her. I want to be, for her, what my grandmothers were for me: a constant, refreshing, welcoming and comforting presence. When her mommy gets on her nerves, she can call G'ammi.  If Mommy & Daddy can't/won't do it, G'ammi will.  If she needs a place to feel G'ammi's she can come. In Dr. Phil's words, I want to be my granddaughter's 'soft place to fall.'  For her, I will.  My #2 source of human motivation are my siblings. I have 7 fabulous sisters and 2 gorgeous brothers; and while I don't feel like my beauty is overshadowed by theirs, it sure as hell ain't packaged as nicely! My clothing choices are not as vast and though I do a great job of putting myself together, a pair of body-hugging jeans and a sexy, snug shirt on a 140lb body looks a helluva lot better than it does on a 240lb. body.  That's just fact and I have no problem with saying/admitting that.  My sisters are serious divas and, while a couple of them may have a few extra pounds here and there, I wouldn't say they have weight issues such as mine. They surely haven't let any fluctuations in their body weight/shape keep them from showing their asses get them down.  In fact, my baby sister, who went from about a size 9 to a 13 simply made the decision that she didn't wanna be 'fat' anymore and she biked, walked and ran her way back to a svelte shape......'Poof! Fat Be Gone!'  She is now about a size 7/8, looking and feeling great and I need to stand out in front of with her & the rest of the crew.  Anything less just won't do!

Baby, they are certainly my motivation!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

A Dream Deferred......

Being an in-residence grandmother, I don't have the luxury of inviting or bringing my grandchild over to my house, enjoying my time with her then returning to sender.  Making surprise visits to my daughter's home is not an option.  Whisking my granddaughter off for a weekend away with G'ammi just ain't gonna least, not now.  You see, there's a difference between being the kind of grandparent that kids anticipate seeing on the weekends and vacations and the kind who are in their faces every. single. datblam (family euphemism for the blasphemous gd). day!  Growing up, I loved to go to either of my grandparents' houses (paternal grandmother and maternal grandparents).  I knew, once there, I'd have more freedom than I could dream of having at home; my cousins, sisters and I could run amuck and there was sure to be some kind of edible treats.  If I went to Grandma & Grandpa's house, money was definitely in the cards as Grandpa loved to make his grandbabies happy by dishing out the green.  Some of my most treasured and wonderful memories were made with or at the houses of my grandparents. Which is why I vowed to be the greatest grandparent I could be to my grandchildren, when my time came.  Well, my time came much sooner than I anticipated or appreciated. 

When I thought of my life as a grandmother, I imagined..........I would move in with my daughter after she gave birth to help her and her husband with their first run at parenthood; I would call to check in from whatever city, state or country I was in at any given time; I figured I'd be doing drive-bys (dispensing love and gifts, not bullets) on the weekends. I wanted to be the grandma who would make travel arrangements, day spa appointments and shopping trips especially for me and my grands. I wanted to be a spontaneous, fun-loving, spoil-grands-rotten kind of grandmother.  But, I'm not quite that kind......yet. Since she lives with me, I see my granddaughter every day, except for the weekends when she goes to visit her other grandparents.  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing her every day and on the days I don't, I get some peace and quiet miss her.  But I wish I had a choice on whether or not I saw her every day and I wish our time together felt more like a retreat than an overstayed welcome.

Because my daughter is a first-time Mom and a growing, maturing and still learning about life young woman, I have to play the role of 2nd Mom more than I get to play Gammi the G'va (that's Grandma & Diva rolled into one).  I make bottles, wash bottles, do feedings, bath time, play time, nap time, bedtime, middle-of-the-night-soothing time, calm-yo-behind-down-before-I-skin-it time.....none of which fit into the times I had planned in my mind.  Granted, I don't do all of these things every singe day and some I've only done a few times BUT, the combined efforts I feel obligated to put forth cuts into my 'Gammi Time.'  So much so that I don't believe I've ever spent a full 24 hours with my gran'diva alone. I don't babysit her for more than a few hours at a time and I only babysit once in a good while. When she goes away on the weekends, I feel like I'm getting almost as big of a break as my daughter gets. Of course, I miss the gran'diva when she's away but I'm also glad to see somebody else get a taste of her baby-wrath her go on the weekends. One day, I'll be able to be the kind of grandmother I yearn to be.....but for now, I'll make the best of our family arrangements. Fortunately, for all involved, my gran'diva has other grandparents, aunts and uncles who love her to pieces and enjoy spending time with her.  My daughter has an awesome support system and for that, I am thankful!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Team Work!

Often times, we sit around and complain about our coworkers, supervisors, managers and bosses: We don't get enough money, workplace rules are too strict, fellow employees are gossipers and backstabbers, our supervisors get paid more to do less, etc. etc. Rarely do you hear people talk about their love, or even like, for their jobs, respect for their superiors or appreciation of their coworkers (aka teammates). I've been a state employee for over five years and in my current position for a little less than four years.  In general, state workers (of the great New York) get a bad rap.  Some people think we get paid to sit around and do nothing; that we have too many perks and not enough productivity; that we are a bunch of spoiled brats.  I can't speak for other agencies, departments and offices but the people that I work for and with?  We get it that is!  Yes, we are fortunate to not work for micromanagers, where our every move is monitored and recorded.  The atmosphere is pretty laid back and the vibe is cool.  I wouldn't say I wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to get to work but I'm not dragging myself in, dreading every second of my impending work day. I don't particularly enjoy what I do simply because I don't feel I do much, in the way of making an impact in the manner I would like to.  Sure, my tasks are important to the people my agency serves but there's very little self-satisfaction I feel.  However, what I do has absolutely nothing to do with my personal self or my satisfaction. I work in a service-driven industry on which whose focus is the people it serves.  We (the people behind the scenes) are simply charged to do our jobs to the best of our abilities, ensuring that the best services possible are made available to those who need it. To do that, I don't need to be satisfied....I just need to get to work and make it happen! And with the way the economy is right now, I'm just glad I have a 'work' to get to,' so for that, I give thanks.........

I am thankful to be gainfully employed; especially during these times when people are losing their jobs, their security and even parts of their dreams.  I am thankful that I have a place to be when I awake in the morning.  I thank God for the people I serve and I hope, through my completed duties, their blessings are plenty.  I'm thankful for my coworkers and staff members who work together with me to accomplish our company's goals.  Our work may be underrated, unappreciated and sometimes unfairly graded......but we continue to do it anyway.  Some days are long and frustrating, others are short and leisurely.  Some teammates are in it to win it, others are barely in.  Whatever the case may be, we are blessed to be in each other's midst, amongst the working population.  To be a part of a team who still has the chance to build their dreams, accomplish their goals, take care of their families and support the less fortunate makes me feel good....and for that, I am thankful.....

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Patience Is A Virtue....

My patience is tried on a daily basis.  Whether I am at home, at work, visiting relatives or out in public, SOMEbody, SOMEwhere tries their luck with my patience.  I am a mild-mannered person with a very laid back personality.  I am not what one would consider to be outspoken but I will speak my piece, when necessary.  I have never been an extrovert but I am known to 'bring the party.'  I usually greet people with a smile and a kind word or two....but, with my words, I can also cut'cha deep.  I have a sensitive soul with a penchant for 'saving souls' and a preference for peace.  That all being said, some people run all over me take my kindness for quiet for mildness for fear.  Until I stand up on my hind legs, shake my fists and rooooaaaarrrrrr.........and I really hate to do that.  Thankfully, today was a good day.  A day where, thus far, I have been able to remain calm amongst the noise and chaos.  So I have to say, thank you...........

I am so very thankful for my huge blessing of patience.  I can soothe my fussy granddaughter, redirect my sometimes delusional grandmother, check-check my attitudinal child, diffuse a 'hostile situation' between employees at work, keep the peace between sisters, and make reasonable, helpful suggestions to another frustrated parent all in one day........while still having a dose of patience left to shush Negative Nelly (who lives in the minds of us all) and allow room for making a bad choice mistake without killing myself.  My patience does sometimes wear thin but it has never run out.....and for that,  you all need to be I am thankful! 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

On Second Thought....

When considering what to post today, I thought about about a few things that may have been viewed as negative and self-serving. First, I was going to vent about my disappointment in a few people close to me, then I thought I'd talk about one of (what I deem to be) my failures as a Mom, then I was gonna give an update on my 'WLS' journey. But none of those topics felt 'right' so, I decided to just wait.  I figured, throughout the course of the day, I would see, hear, read or think about something that would be interesting, positive and/or entertaining.....and fortunately, I was right. While perusing a few local blogs, I came across a post in which the author decided, for the month of November, she is going to post about being thankful. *Smacks myself in the forehead!* Why didn't I think of that?!  That idea is soooooooooooooo me!  Yeah....unh hunh.....well, I didn't think of it but I'm glad I ran across it because it's exactly what I am going to do. It will be an easy task to accomplish because I am thankful for so much already and I'm sure I'll have more to be thankful for in the coming days.  So, on that note, let me get started...........

Today, I give thanks for my grandmother, the beautiful Elizabeth, better known to many as 'Betty' or 'Liz'.....or the pretty old lady with a car full of 'junk.'  She is almost 89 years old and, though she now lives with me, is still pretty much an independent woman.  Physically, she is/has always been a stunningly beautiful woman.  Reddish-brown skin with black silky hair that, at one time, flowed down to her waist but is now thin, gray and shoulder length. She doesn't dress up much anymore but, when 'company' (which is mostly family) comes over, she fusses over her looks. On good days, she cracks jokes, requests a highball or a glass of blackberry wine and talks about the boyfriend she needs to get out and find.  They are few and far-between, but I love those times. From what I've heard and been a witness (sometimes party) to, it's safe to say that my grandmother led a very colorful life.  Through stories told by her and others, I have heard about her ups & downs, ins & outs, triumphs & tragedies and loves & losses she has enjoyed or endured.  In spite of, or because of, it all, I was blessed to have the most wonderful grandmother a girl could ever wish for.  Grandma has been my mother, teacher, doctor, banker, chauffeur, chef, bartender (ha!) and shopping buddy.  There's not an area of my life that she has not touched in some way.  She not only taught me how to be a lady but she showed me what a lady should look, behave and be treated like.  My grandmother has given so much to me, of her time, energy, money and self  that I couldn't begin to repay her. Guess it's a good thing she's always done those things out of the goodness of her heart. ;-)  Although life together can be frustrating and tough, I am grateful and thankful for each moment.  I will always cherish the memories I have and relish in each opportunity we get to make more.  I can't imagine (what) life (would have been like) without my Grandma in it.....for her simple presence, I am thankful.

Who are you thankful for?

Monday, October 31, 2011


Today is the day where people everywhere will don a mask and/or costume, pretend to be someone else and go around asking for tricks or treats.  There will be happy faces, sad faces, mad faces and scary faces.  Spirits of goodness and evil will abound.....matching or contrasting the people behind the masks. It's all in the name of fun. Unfortunately, some people do this every day of their lives. So much so that they don't know where their fantasy ends and their reality begins.  Sure, sometimes circumstances call for us to fake a smile when we'd rather growl, give a compliment where it isn't necessarily deserved or swallow our pride and do/say something we really don't want to say or do.  Then, there are times we find ourselves doing one or all of these things way more than we care to do them, to 'save face,' 'keep the peace,' or 'be the bigger person.'  We do them because we don't want to get anybody upset,  make anyone feel bad, be a part of the problem or, God forbid, be disloyal........especially when it comes to family.

Growing up, we are taught to never let anyone/anything come between us and our matter what. Family first, 'blood is thicker than water' and all that good stuff. (As the saying goes) You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family and if you don't already, you better find something to like about your sister, brother, cousin, auntie, uncle, grandma or grandpa. After all, family is everything.....right? For the most part, loving, or even liking, our relatives is not an issue; we're usually good with the family that was chosen for us.  But sometiiiiiiiiiiiiimes (woooooohhhh!), we wish we could UNchoose some of our relatives......disown them.....obliterate them from the face of the earth.  Okay, I've gone too far.....but, you get my drift (I know y'all can relate).  I don't know if it's due to my age or my experiences.....probably a combination of both......but my tolerance level for BS is at an all-time low and I really can't take it anymore. I have some relatives who have all but worn out their welcome in my life and in my heart.  You know the kind....'just gotta have it' drama kings and queens or Mr./Ms. One-Upper, always in competition mode or Sour Sal/Susie, nothing/noone is ever good, right or happy in their world or Woe-is-me, Nobody-Loves-Me Always the Victim.  They suck the energy right out of every situation and everyone they come in contact with. 

For years, I have dealt with these people, shared with them, loved, encouraged and gone to bat for them.  Yet, at the end of the day, none of my efforts seem to be matter.  Not only do my actions go unreciprocated but are never appreciated and sometimes, downright dismissed and ignored. No amount of talking things out and telling them how I feel has changed that and probably never will. They are who they are. So why should I keep spending wasting my time, trying to build/sustain happy, healthy relationships with them when they obviously don't care to?  Why have I continued to be part of such lop-sided relationships, subjecting myself to unnecessary stress and constant drama?  I'll tell you why: because I've been hoping for a miracle that is what I was raised to do (thanks alot Dad!), because I love my family, because it's expected of me and because it is the 'right' thing to do??  Yeah.....unh hunh.....riiiigggghhhhht.  Actually, all of those reasons seemed to be good enough reasons to do so.  But, when I stopped to think about it, I realized,  all of those reasons have nothing to do with my happiness and everything to do with someone else's.  Well, it's about time I tend to my own happy...and, in order to do so, I must separate from the crazies some of my family members.

Yes, I'm breaking up with them y'all. I am going to entertain the possibilities of life without (so much of) them. I will no longer cater to the needs of 'the group' over the satisfaction of my own. I refuse to participate in activities that cause me stress, strain, pain and sadness.  I am no longer going to play the game of, 'Us Against The World' when I know it's really 'Us Against Each Other.'  I can't keep smiling for the cameras when what I really wanna do is throw the camera in your face(speaking to my relatives here). Yes, I are used to behaving this way because it is how you were groomed to be. Your upbringing didn't leave room for true, unconditional love becaue it was tainted by someone else's feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and hate...or just plain ole ignorance. However, I was not raised like that. I was taught to love, cherish and honor my family; to  be there for mine and always have their backs. I tried to show you how to love (Weezy F. Baby!  Okay, I digress....) yet, time after time, you've rebelled, denied, shunned and disbelieved.  You've disrespected the family legacy, gone against the grain and disturbed my peace more times than I care to recall. Your numerous violations to the family unit have shown that all efforts to keep love alive have been in vain. You are so far gone now that, even if you wanted to, you don't know how to stop playing the role.....and I really do feel sorry for you. However, I can no longer be a part of this reality show-like life we've all grown so comfortable being a part of. Unlike you, I am happy with the role I was given in my own fabulous life this world...quirks, flaws, mistakes and all. Therefore, I am leaving the set and finally removing the mask.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Cheers To The Freakin Weekend.......

In celebration of the upcoming 'holiday,' there are Halloween parties going down, all over town, all weekend.  My sisters, friends and I usually get together and throw a big bash but, this year, we're keeping it simple: On Saturday, a small group of us will get together and have lots of ghould food and drinks, music and cameras flashing (or clicking) everywhere.  We're planning to party at a club or two; I'm sure, whatever we decide to do, we will have a blast doing it.  

Enjoy your Halloween, everyone....and BE SAFE!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


I spent a few days in Charlotte, NC this past weekend and.....oh, what a feeling!  I went to visit my sister & her boyfriend and to see what the Queen City was all about. Along with escaping the daily stress of my life at home, I mostly wanted to get an idea of what life would be like, as the third  wheel roommate in my sister's house. Although I didn't get a tour of the city, I went along with my sister, as she ran errands. I realized almost everything is a drive away; there would be no such thing as running to the corner store real quick. I also met a few good people and saw some great (looking) neighborhoods. Nights were quiet and peaceful so I was able to get a good night's sleep.  What a difference a restful sleep makes!

As for extra-curricular activities, I didn't want to go to any clubs so partying was not in the plan.  We did go out for drinks on Saturday night, though. We stopped in at Wet Willie's and had one of their famous alcoholic daiquiris and some food.  Then, we went to a sports bar where a live band was playing. I loved the atmosphere of the place but the crowd was geared more towards my mother's age group. Nevertheless, I enjoyed myself. While I didn't experience the nightlife full-blast, I've done my research so I know Charlotte has a lot for me to discover and experience. I spent most of my vacation close to the (my sister's) house but, I must say, with its 'small town in a big city' appeal, Charlotte felt like....home.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

A Higher Power.....

Starting today, on Sundays, my blog will feature strictly inspirational, spiritual and motivational posts; whether they be in the form of song lyrics, poetry, short story (fact or fictional), testimonial or even photographs.  I'm not a particularly religious person but I do believe in God, a higher power, spiritual leadership. I wanna take the time to acknowledge, share and reflect that which empowers me when I am weak, reminds me of hope when my days are dark and keeps me faithful when life deals a challenging blow.  Also, that which keeps me healthy, sustains my happy spirit, enlightens my mind and serves as a buoy of my heart.

Please feel free to share, in the comment section, what inspires, motivates and invigorates your spirit.

God Is Love and Love Is Me.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Livin Large...........

I am afraid of heights but I love to fly. The first time I flew in an airplane, as an adult (flew to California as a toddler but I have no memory of that), I found it to be a relaxing experience. Nothing about it scared me, at all. I looked out the window as the plane made its ascent and all I felt was a sense of calm. I was on my way to Atlanta to visit my cousin, see the much-talked about city and develop my blueprint for a small-town escape. At the time, I was 190 lbs. Since that trip, back in 2001, I have flown many times and gained 47 lbs. Most have been pleasurable experiences. The two times I did not enjoy my flight were the time I had to sit in the middle of two strangers and the time (yesterday) I sat near two people who apparently had issue with (people who are) my size. The time I was assigned a middle seat, on a full plane, the ride was very uncomfortable. I basically sat with my arms crossed in front of me almost the entire time. I didn't want to touch my 'neighbors' or infringe upon their personal space. When I got off that plane, my joints and muscles ached but I don't think I made the trip uncomfortable for the people I sat between.

Yesterday, on my way to Charlotte, NC, I had to take two flights. On the first flight, I sat in a row containing 2 seats, near a slim woman who seemed to be on the friendly side. For the first hour of the flight, she fidgeted and moved around quite a bit in her seat. Seems she couldn't decide if she wanted to read or sleep. While she was reading, she rested her arm on the armrest between us and her elbow felt like it was perched in my side. I said nothing. I wasn't sure if she was doing it purposely, as if to say, 'you wanna take up some of my space, I'm gonna take up some of yours' or if she wasn't aware that she was poking me with her bone. I finally decided to pull myself into my space as much as possible and go to sleep.

On the second leg of the trip, I had a window seat in a row of three seats. My two seatmates were already settled in by the time I boarded the plane. Once seated and buckled in, I noticed the woman seated beside me had begun to fidget and move around like my seatmate on the last flight.  She finally decided to read, and she rested her arm on the armrest between us. Then, I felt the elbow. This woman seemed to be poking her elbow more than was necessary. But, because I didn't want to cause a disturbance on the plane, I said nothing. I simply shifted my body away from the armrest, as much as I could.  I was pretty comfortable pressed against the wall of the plane and figured I'd be fine for the 34 minute flight.  Then, a man walked up to the row in front of us and indicated to the people sitting there that the middle seat was his.  As he took his seat, he said to them, 'I'm glad you two aren't large.' 'Wow,' I thought to myself, 'Damn, people actually say that out loud?' I mean, I know there are people who think overweight passengers should pay for two seats if they take up more space than the one seat they paid for. But to actually hear a person say that, it hurt. I couldn't stop thinking about the obnoxious remark and I couldn't help but wonder if my seatmates thought I should've paid for another seat.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Focus Man!

When I first started this blog, I made a few posts regarding my weight, my 'relationship' at the time and a few other things that were on my mind.  I had less than 5 entries and I didn't post again for some months (closer to a year, I believe). I then came back to it and decided to make this a blog strictly about weight, thinking, if I put my business 'out there' I will be more inclined to 'handle my business.'  So I deleted the first few posts and started anew.  Now, I wish I hadn't done that.  

I had (have?) a bad habit of getting rid of (or ignoring) things that may be too uncomfortable for me to face or think about. Then, when I get through the hardest part, I always wish I could look that thing (or person) in the face and say, 'See?  You didn't hold me back/down forever.'  Like with my diaries/journals from many years ago. I've kept the ones that date back to 1999/2000 but anything before that has been destroyed. Why? Because there were some things I just wanted to forget about or never wanted to be discovered by anyone else. Now, I wish I could go back and read them, just to be reminded of how much I've grown as a person. Of course, I know what I've been through and how much I've changed, without having a directory about each experience, but it would be nice to have a more detailed perspective.

Anyway, I've (finally) decided not to streamline the Buttafly Diaries. Instead, I will keep my blog all-inclusive; open to various subjects and potential conversation pieces. There will be times when I'll want to talk about my big thighs, and others when I'll want to talk about my sister's big mouth. Sometimes I'll feel the need to brag about my gran'diva and other times, I'll need to virtually scream complain about my Big Brat (aka 21 year old daughter). Through my blog, I want to talk about some of the big moments along with smaller ones, my personal experiences as well as, what's going on in other people's lives the world. I will still share my weight loss journey, in great detail, because I'm hoping it will serve as a guide (of what or what not to do), learning tool or source of inspiration/motivation for someone else. But I won't alienate bore those who are not interested in that part of my life experience. 

I hope my audience will grow along with me and be open enough to share words of wisdom, constructive criticism, encouragement and friendly banter with some laughs thrown in for good measure. 

As the transformation of a Buttafly continues, won't you come along?   :-)

Friday, October 14, 2011


I come from a huge family (that consists of maternal, paternal and step- members) and share close relationships with a lot of my relatives.  I'm especially close to my 9 siblings plus a few extra sista-friends (sf).  So, naturally, there's always 'something going on' and 'somewhere we must to go.'  God forbid, one of us claims we can't attend....all hell will break loose!  You better be on your deathbed (or something of that caliber) to miss out on any event deemed 'mandatory' by the sisters/sfs.  So what, if you're trying to stop drinking, so what if you're trying to eat healthier, so what if you're trying to lose weight.  You had better be there.....or else!  And of course, there will be (unhealthy) food & (alcoholic) beverages served at these functions so if you don't have self-control, too damn bad for you.  This is especially unsettling because there really isn't much of a break between these 'mandatory celebrations/gatherings.' When I try to think of one whole month where there is no one's birthday, anniversary or other milestone to celebrate, I can't.  In addition to official celebrations, not a week goes by when there is no suggestion by one of my siblings/sf/me to 'get together, have some drinks and get our gab on.'  NOT ONE.  And every weekend must be commemorated by the consumption of alcohol and one of the following: wings/pizza/chinese food/fish fry or some other form of fast/junk food.

As this weekend begins, I just shake my head because I know what I'm getting ready to get myself into.  I've already received the invite from my Sis to 'bmob and show up at her house by 9pm tonight.'  Tomorrow, we'll be celebrating my aunt's birthday, where there will be gallons of alcohol and tons of food (and loads of fun).  Sunday will likely be a 'man-down' day as I am sure I will need at least 24 hours to recuperate from the weekend.  I'm looking forward to the great times that lie ahead but I shake my head at the fact that this weekend will not serve as a step towards my goal.  In fact, no day or weekend spent with my family (in celebration mode) will bring me closer to my goal. It will only hold me back. That being said, I may have to (temporarily) cut my family ties in order to gain control of my health and develop/sustain healthy habits.  And they (I) will not be happy about that.  PRAY FOR ME!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Breaking The Cycle........

The first time I realized I was part of a cycle that needed to be broken, I was 20 years old and in college. For a history class, I had to write an autobiography incorporating one of the topics given by my professor. I don't remember what the choices were but I decided to write about 'Breaking The Cycle.'  In my paper (on which I received a grade of A+), I discussed the cycles of poverty, abuse, teen parenting and (similar) partner choices in my family. I vowed to become a shining example (of what a responsible, successful woman is) for my then 3-year old daughter. I promised to teach her how to be a better decision-maker than I was. I wanted her to use my footsteps as a guide but not a designated route. However, it never occurred to me that there was another familial cycle that needed to be stopped.......the cycle of obesity. It wasn't until my daughter became pregnant last year and began 'eating like a pregnant woman' that I realized she may be on the path to becoming overweight.   

Prior to her pregnancy, she didn't eat alot and was more of a healthy eater than I was. Like most kids, she enjoyed eating chips, candy and sugar water juice, but she preferred my cooking over fast food, water over soft drinks and apples over cookies & sweets. I guess it helped that, although I was quick to order in, I never was much of a snack/junk food consumer. So, when she did have those things, they were nice treats. Around her 3rd month of pregnancy, I began to notice a big change in her eating habits. She was eating more chips, candy, sweet drinks and fast foods. Plus, she was staying up until all hours of the morning....eating! I warned her to slow down and be mindful of what she was putting in her mouth. I mean, she definitely had room to splurge since she only weighed about 115 lbs before pregnancy but, still, I told her to be careful. By the end of her pregnancy, she had gained around 35 lbs total. Not bad. It didn't take long, after she gave birth, for her body to 'bounce back.' She retained a few pounds, and went from a slim size 3 to a curvy 5 (whoopteedooooo!). I was happy that my daughter's post-pregnancy body was one she could still flaunt, and hoped her regular eating habits would resume. But, that didn't happen. Her body didn't change too much but her life did......drastically.

She went from being a carefree, full-time college student to a full-time working Mom who with many responsibilities. This, in addition to having household chores/responsibilities, as she still lives at home with me. Naturally, this lifestyle comes with a certain amount of unavoidable stress, and having once been in her shoes, I can relate. Unconsciously, I dealt with my stress by staying up late and eating., not realizing it was a huge problem until I was way past the 'borderline.' After one particular time of 'shaking my finger' at my daughter as she partook in some fast food meal at some ungodly hour, I realized there are glaring similarities in mine and my daughter's behaviors. She also deals with her stress by staying up late and eating. Slim-gene aside, (I warned her) if she continues on this path, she will find herself in the plus-size section of somebody's store, holding back her tears. When I tell her these things, she just laughs and blows me off, saying/thinking it won't happen. Granted, she takes more after her Dad's every damn thing naturally slim body size/type than my voluptuous, fluffy side of the family but, still, the possibility remains. 

Up until I became pregnant with her, I was always a slim-'normal' sized female. I weighed around 135 lbs. pre-pregnancy, gained a whopping 50 lbs and weighed 150 post-pregnancy. Over the years, my weight increased as my life fell apart responsibilities increased. I went away to college when my daughter was 3 years old and I still weighed 150 lbs. At the end of my first year of college, I weighed 162 lbs.  At the end of my second year, I weighed 180 lbs. In the years following, my weight increased gradually. I've been in my current weight range of 234-240 lbs. for about 7 years. No one could/would have predicted that I would become an obese person and it still boggles my mother's mind that I went from 'that' to 'this.'

I pray that my daughter will take heed to my warnings one day soon. However, I know my actions will speak much louder than my words.Getting my health and body under control is as important for me as it is for my daughter and, now also, my gran'diva. This cycle has got to be stopped. Meanwhile, I feel like a mother helplessly watching her child walk onto a busy highway......

Have you broken or vowed to break a vicious family cycle?  How did you do it and what was your family's response?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

(Press) IGNORE.....

Being morbidly obese overweight carries a certain stigma that is socially accepted by everyone the majority. Seemingly, if you are fat, you are a candidate for the death penalty unworthy and undeserving of real love, positive attention, good job, great friends, pretty clothes, shoes, wonderful gifts, etc.  And don't you even think about simple things like Respect and Consideration.  All of the things 'normal' people expect, strive for and receive are not 'for you, Fatty.'  

I went into a Best Buy store, some months ago, looking for cables that would allow me to connect my laptop to my television.  I had no idea what I needed so, after looking at what seemed like hundreds of different kinds cords and wires, I looked around for a sales associate.  A couple guys walked by but seemed to be helping other customers at the time.  So, I waited a few more minutes.  Then I began to realize that, yes they were helping other customers but other customers who had arrived after me!!  I was finally able to get the attention of one of the associates, who, after barely listening to what I needed help with, told me he'd 'be right back.'  Well, folks, I waited....and patiently waited.....and frickin waited some more.  After a good 15-20 minutes (yes I really did wait that long....or seemed to anyway), I went looking for someone else.  I finally found someone who did help me but even so, I left the store feeling......really bad.

Not bad as in, 'Oh, I'm such a worthless piece of fat crap,' but bad in the 'Damn, it's really like thaaaaaaaat???' kind of way.  I probably should have reported this guy.....but the truth is, it wasn't the first time I got the 'Fat Girl Ignore' and it wouldn't be the last.  And what was I gonna say anyway, 'Hey that guy blew me off because I'm fat?'  Sure, I could've said, 'I asked him for assistance and he left me hanging in the aisle,' but his response most likely would've been something along the lines of, 'I was busy helping another customer, ' or 'I got caught up in something else and forgot,' or 'I DID come back and couldn't find her,' blah blah blah.  Something tells me, had I gone to a manager to complain, they would have laughed about it after I left.

Have you ever been overtly discriminated against (in a store, at work, at the doctor's office, etc.) because of your weight?  If so, how did you handle it?  Do you think I should have done something different in that scenario?   

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Since my last post, I made a decision to begin the process for weight-loss surgery ('WLS').  I've tried all kinds of diets and I've tried to manage this myself.  Nothing has worked.  So I put down my pride and picked up some information regarding 'WLS.'  There are many options available.....gastric bypass, gastric sleeve, gastric banding and more.  The decision is mostly up to the patient but there are recommended procedures for people of a certain weight and/or health condition.  Although I've yet to get my recommendation from the doctor, I've decided I want the Lap-Band surgery.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, the short of it is: a surgical band is placed around the opening of the stomach to make the opening and the stomach itself much smaller than normal size.  This restricts the amount of food that can pass through and be held in the stomach. After surgery, the stomach is said to hold (approximately) the equivalent of 2 oz. of food.  TWO OUNCES Y'ALL!  However, the band can be adjusted to make the opening bigger or smaller, according to weight-loss goals and health needs. Click on this link to learn more -

Before one can be scheduled for surgery, there are a series of medical and psychological evaluations to undertake.  You cannot have the surgery if it will likely endanger your life or you aren't mentally ready.  No doctor is going to do the surgery 'just so your boyfriend won't leave you' or 'to help you snag a woman.'  The pre-surgery process usually takes anywhere between 3 - 6 mos but can take much longer, depending on your specific medical history and how well you follow instructions. Since my official start on August 9, I've taken 4 of my 17 required steps.  I would like to be able to schedule surgery for late January but, at the rate I'm going (verrrryyyy slowwww), I don't know if it's gonna happen then......if it happens at all.  'What do you mean, if it happens at all?!'  you're probably wondering.

Well, during the orientation phase, we learned about the different WLS options available, amongst other things like healthy eating and exercising.  We were also told (more than a few times) that the goal isn't to get  surgery.  Instead, the goal is to teach one how to take control of their health; recognize what went wrong and make choices to make things right.....without surgery.  However, it is also acknowledged that, if it was just that simple, there would be no need for the orientation or the surgery.  That being said, I'm hoping fooling myself into thinking   that I can finally get a hold of things and do this on my own so I won't need the surgery. HA! Who knows? Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

In the meantime, in sticking with the plan (within the next 6 weeks), I need to schedule appointments for my Sleep Apnea evaluation review, with the Nutritionist & Dietician and my primary care doctor.  Hell, I'm gonna lose 25 lbs just from the change I'll have to dish out in co-pays.........Oh My!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Is There An Easy Way Out?

By now, we all know there is no 'magic pill' nor quick permanent solution to losing weight.  You must expend more calories than you take in.....period.  You must eat less, move more. But lately, I've been in a funk and feeling like I just can't do it on my own.  So I started thinking about surgery.  I know I'd never do gastric bypass but the 'lesser evil,' Lap-Band surgery, I would consider.....have considered.....considering right now.  One part of me is saying, 'NO, YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT SURGERY!' while the other part is saying, 'OH YEAH???  WELL, WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE IT YET...HUH, HUH?  

I've looked at the pros and cons and I'm not afraid of getting the surgery. I know what the possible & probable side effects are and they don't 'scare' me much.  What has held me back from doing it is my own ego & pride.  If I do it, then people will say/think I took the 'easy way out.'  I know I shouldn't care about others' thoughts & opinions but the competitor in me wants the 'trophy' and recognition from doing it without surgery.  I mean, lots of people have done it.  There are many who can boast how they ate & exercised their way to a body that is 100, 200, 300, 400 lbs lighter, WITHOUT SURGERY. 

I really wanna be one of those people and I know I can be. But what's the use of knowing but not doing.....knowing and not being?  I've been in this fight for almost 20 years and over time, I've gotten farther and father away from my goal....from the win.  Now, time is truly of the essence.  The stakes are higher for me now that I am dealing with the early stages of diabetes.  Yes,  my weight has finally caught up with me in a way that I cannot avoid.  I no longer have the 'luxury of time' being on my side.  I must do something about my weight OR ELSE.  

It makes me sad to admit that I haven't changed my habits much since my diagnosis.  Which brings me to my current state of be a surgery candidate or not to be.  Deciding to have the surgery just might be more of a necessity than a personal I have to ask myself, what is more body/health or other people's opinions? 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Ignore It and It Will (NOT) Go Away!

I cannot believe it's been 10 days since my last blog post.  You can safely assume that part of the reason I haven't posted is because I don't have anything 'good' to share.  Since February 25th, I've been slacking off BIG TIME, with my eating & workout efforts.  With food & drink (aka 'cocktails'), some days, I do okay and others I do terribly.  The Y nor my trainer has seen me since February 18th and I feel.....okay.  Not 'okay' in the way that it's perfectly fine that I've fallen off the bandwagon, but okay in the way that I haven't bowed out.  I haven't lost any weight but, by golly, I haven't gained any weight either (thank God).  Mentally, I chastise myself every day, sometimes with food, sometimes without.  But, I have not 'beaten or eaten myself into depression mode' as I've done many times before.  I am determined to win this battle this time, so no matter how many times I sit, fall or get knocked down, I WILL get back up.  

Friday, February 25, 2011


As I’ve mentioned before, I am often mistaken to be much (at least, 12-15 years) younger than my calendar age of 38 years, 2 months & 19 days.  I attribute it to my ‘baby face,’ soft voice and short height.  It’s funny though because, ever since I was a young girl, my close friends and family have teased me for ‘acting like an old lady.’  I’m often looked at as the mother figure, partly because I’m almost always the eldest (and most mature) one out of the crew and, admittedly, I’m bossy as hell….lol  When I’m with my sisters and friends, I feel like the ‘mother hen’ and behave like one, too (after all, SOMEbody has to keep order don’t they??).  So, it makes me feel good when people are shocked to learn that (a) I’m 38 years old, (b) I’m a mother of a 20 year old and, as of 1/10/11, (c) I’m a GRANDmother.  However, the reality is, my physical appearance is not in sync with the state of my physical health.

According to ‘THE REAL AGE TEST,’ which is a series of questions compiled by doctors and other health professionals, that measure how old your body ‘thinks’ you are, according to your health and self-care, I am 43.3 years old…..WTH?!  I’ve taken this kind of test, at least, 5 times in the last 10 years and every time, my ‘real age’ has been older than my calendar age.  I wish I could remember what the differences were, specifically, so I would have an idea of whether or not I’m closing the gap.  Overall, I feel better than I have in years past so hopefully, I am getting better.  In any case, today, my real age is 5 years older than my calendar age and I must swing that pendulum the other way so that my real age falls somewhere between 27-35…..which means I have work to do!   J

Take the test and find out, then
I dare you to come back and share your results!

Thursday, February 24, 2011


It’s funny that I’m the one my loved ones come to when they want something ‘done right.’  They always compliment me on my creativity, organizational skills, determination, vast knowledge and generally pleasant disposition (well, that last one is up for debate…  HOWEVER, when it comes time for me to do something….anything….for myself, I half-step.  If you come to my house, you can see that I have a good eye for decorating.  I have a few nice pieces in every room in the house but very little effort has been put forth to complete the ensemble .  The vehicle that I drive is decent, but there’s always ‘stuff’ in it so that one has rarely seen it at its prettiest.  Not to mention, I bought it with a clearly flawed interior, knowing I should’ve & could’ve gotten a much better deal for my money (but that’s another story).  I get a lot of compliments on my fashion sense, yet I only ‘put on’ for ‘special occasions.’  I have nice things in my closet, but in general, I think my wardrobe kinda sucks.  It’s not because I can’t afford a better one, it’s because I don’t make it a priority to go out and get things I really want.  What does all this have to do with losing weight, you may be wondering?  Well, I’m approaching this weight-loss journey the same way I’ve approached most every other journey in my life that was for my own benefit……HALF-ASSED.
Altho, this week, I’ve done okay food-wise, I haven’t been to the gym since Friday.  Sure, I can convince myself that I have good reason (I was stressed, depressed, sleep-deprived) but the bottom line is, there is no excuse.  I didn’t go because I didn’t think it was that important (obviously).  I still have to remind/reassure myself that I am worth the effort.  I’m still questioning whether or not this time is gonna be the last time (aka permanently successful)?  I am still talking myself out of the good things in life.  I Am Still Listening To The Negative (excuse-making) Voice In My Head!   THIS. HAS. GOT. TO. STOP.  In order to cut this ass in half, I have to stop half-assing my efforts….PRAY FOR ME!

Saturday, February 19, 2011


First of all, let me say, I forgave myself for Thursday's behavior. I knew that would happen because I haven't reached the 'Planning Ahead' stage. But, I will get there.....soon. In spite of that, I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!

I got home from work on yesterday and the excuse-making began, almost immediately. 'I'm too tired to go today,' I said to myself....'I'll make it up tomorrow.......I'll do a routine from TV later.' But, deep inside, I knew, if I didn't make it to the gym that evening, as scheduled, it would be the beginning of the end for me. So, until the minute I walked out of the door, my Old (excuse-making) Self battled with my New (determined-to-do-it-this-time) Self.....and I'm so glad the New Me won! I made it to the gym and started off on the treadmill, as I usually do. In my very first treadmill workout, my trainer wanted me to start walking at 2.2 miles per hour but I felt I could do more so I increased it to 2.5. The next two times, I walked at 2.7 mph. Last night, I started off at 2.7 but for the last 16 minutes, I walked at 3.0.....GO ME! After the treadmill, we went straight into weight training, where I felt not only my muscles building but my confidence too. When we got to the end of our workout, where we work strictly on Abs, Mr. Trainer decided we would do butterfly kicks AND '6 inches.' I was like, 'Whoa Mister!' I didn't complain too loudly but I did let him know I thought he was trippin. However, to my surprise, I got through each exercise....without having to stop during the set and with minimal 'shaking.' I couldn't believe it.

I felt so good about my workout and for making it to the gym when I really wanted to stay home and nap. I didn't want to mess up whatever progress I made so I decided not to hang out and spoil it with liquor and food. I spent Friday night at home and got a good night's sleep. I woke up this morning, feeling rested and refreshed. It's only the second week in and I'm already stronger. That is enough to keep me going........(shout out to self) GO GIRL!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Cellllllllllebration Time, COME ON!

Okay, so yesterday was my sister's birthday and needless to say, everything I did went against my weight loss efforts. Dinner at an italian restaurant, where I ate chicken parmigiana with spaghetti noodles & tomato sauce, had a 24 oz Cabernet Cosmo, then to her house where I had more drinks (orange grey goose with lemon-lime soda) which led to being on the verge of intoxicated which, of course, led to another meal....late night pickup from McDonald's....UGGGHHHH!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Making Progress......

I almost asked my trainer if he had been reading my blog because he stepped it up a bit in my last three sessions. Last Friday, he increased the weight on each weight-training machine and I handled it, for the most part. I struggled a bit when we worked on biceps & triceps but I got through it. The toughest part came at the end of our workout, when he had me doing 'butterfly kicks'. This is where you lie flat on your back and hold your legs a couple inches up from the floor and make small kicking movements with your feet....for 30 seconds straight. I thought my legs were gonna fall off. I got through the first 30 seconds...barely....but only lasted a good 15-20 seconds in the second set. Then yesterday, we did an exercise called '6 inches,' where you lie flat on your back, legs extended and you lift both legs at the same time and hold for 30 seconds. OMG! My legs shook like leaves on a windy, Fall day and I thought of my granddaughter, telling myself her life depended on if I made it through or not. Of course, I made it. One day, I thought to myself, I'll get through these like I've been doing them all my life....

Monday, February 14, 2011


Okay, so this weekend, I fell off track.....

I went out on Friday night to celebrate my cousin's birthday.....had some lemon-pepper wings (only 5...and I did have carrots & celery too) w/a smidgeon of bleu cheese and 3 (7-9 oz) Southern Sex On The Beach cocktails (southern comfort, vodka, orange & cranberry juices). I was home 1am and asleep before 2:30 am.....but missed my 11am workout w/trainer on Saturday. Because I didn't work out that day, I decided to stay in Saturday night to avoid drinking a bunch of alcohol and eating a bunch of food. However, I did have 2 slices of cheese pizza for late dinner on Saturday night. I also had garden salad with no dressing and, I must say, it was pretty tasty. I did end up pouring myself one cocktail and drank about 24 oz of Pepsi during the night.

Yesterday, I was bad bad baaaaaaad! I went to Cracker Barrel with a friend for brunch to celebrate her birthday and had 2 pancakes w/butter & syrup, 3 slices of bacon, hashbrown casserole (app 1 cup) and a tall glass of cranberry/orange juice. Then, last night, I went to my sister's house and had fried chicken (6 wing dings), mashed potatoes & mixed vegetables ( about 1/2 cup each) for dinner. Also, I drank 3-4 glasses of Red Alize (6 oz each).

Today, I am getting back on track. I worked out for an hour, doing 2 dance routines via Exercise On Demand and I've only had water so far. I do plan to have a lil treat some time today but I will be fully on point tomorrow. I would say, for the rest of the week, but I know I have to take this thing one day at a time........


Friday, February 11, 2011

Grown 'n Sexy.....

Well, I did get that massage last night so my back feels much better. However, it was preceded by 2 cute mugs (app 24 oz total) of beer. 'Babe' & I had dinner together and since I did pretty good with my meal (Boston Market healthy choice - 440 calories total: quarter white meat /no skin, mixed garden veggies and red potatoes plain w/Glaceau Vitamin Zero XXX Water), I figured I could join him in having some beer. Drinking the beer didn't do major damage, but having it, in addition to eating more calories than I planned to in the past few days means I have to work extra hard at tonight’s workout session, especially if I plan to meet my goals as scheduled.

As I stated before, I’m on a 12 week work out plan, with goals set at 3-week intervals:

Current – 240 lbs (size 20), working out 3x/week with personal trainer

3 wks (March 5) – 225-230 lbs (size ??), add one aerobic activity to w/o schedule (dance, swim, etc.)

6wks (March 26) – 215 - 220lbs, (size ??), add one personal gym day to w/o schedule

9wks (April 16) - 200-205lbs, (size ??), add one mind/body activity (Yoga, pilates, etc.)

12wks (May 7) - 190-195 lbs, (size ??), add one personal gym day to w/o schedule

*Sizes may vary, according to weight AND inches lost

My ultimate goal is to reach 140-150 lbs (size ??). I know, at that weight, I’d still be considered to be ‘overweight,’ according to ‘official weight charts,’ but, that is where I think I’d be most comfortable. My frame is small (standing at just 5’1”) and I am considered to be a ‘petite person,’ but I do not want to be skinny. I’ve always had meat on my bones and curves on my body, even at my smallest size & weight. I like that look (for me). To be any smaller than 140 lbs would make me look child-like, and dare I say, sickly. I’m already mistaken to be in my early 20s and though it does feel good to be thought of as younger, I don’t like being viewed and treated as such. Therefore, I must maintain my grown along with my sexy.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Some Sweat, No Tears........

Last night was the first night of my 12-week training program at my local YMCA. My trainer is a cute, young guy who I'll call 'CK.' At our initial meeting, CK seemed to be a lil nervous and wet behind the ears. I could tell he was new to the personal training arena so I did ask him how long has he been at it. He said he's been doing it for just about 6 months and is currently in school for a career in the medical field. He was smart enough to include in our conversation, the fact that 'one woman I train has lost 20 lbs in 7 weeks'. He also let me know that my success was more on me than on him by telling me that there are other classes/trainers available on the days I don't meet with him. So, to optimize my results, I might want to consider doing more than what he will require of me. We'll see about that, young man.

So, I was about 10 minutes late to our training session but I got right down to business when I got there. I started off with the treadmill, which seemed to be too easy at first. I increased my speed three times (only to have to scale back the last and finally began to break a sweat. By the end of the 33 minutes, I had walked a little over a mile, which isn't too shabby for someone who comes nowhere close to the recommended 10, 000 steps per day. After the treadmill, I did circuit strength training for 45 minutes, targeting every area on my body. I felt pretty good when I was done, which was actually cause for a pause. Why am I NOT sore, I wondered? After a few hours, I did begin to feel a dull ache in my thighs and biceps so I figured I'd surely be in great pain on the wakeup. However, when I got out of bed this morning, my body was not as sore as I thought it would be. I thought my muscles would be stiff as boards and I'd be on the verge of tears from the pain. But, not so. I've been feeling mild pain in all the targeted muscles and a moderate burn in my back (which I hope a massage from the honey will take care of tonight) but I have been getting around just fine. It makes me wonder if CK is going a little too easy on me or if Ms. KIA (KnowItAll) just needs to relax and let the man do his job. I guess, time will tell.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Beginning Of The End.......

For a long time, (I know) my friends & family have wanted me to lose weight. I'm sure some of them have prayed, on many occasions, to the 'fat-blasting gods' to come and take this fat away. I can tell, by some of the looks I get and, the looks I don't get, that they wish I would take this fat suit off already. But no one has wanted it more than I have. 'You didn't REALLY want it,' is probably what you're saying inside your head. But, really, I did...and I do. For anyone who has had to lose more than 20 lbs., let alone my goal of 100, they know losing weight is just as much, if not more than, a mental battle as it is a physical fight. Physically, I know what to do and I am very capable of doing it. Once I get moving, it's on. Mentally, however, it has been a constant struggle. The main thing I've learned in my 17 plus years of battling the bulge is that I can't do this for anyone else and a quick-fix ain't the way. Dropping the pounds to gain the love, adoration, attraction, attention and affection from a man or woman is not a sustainable reason. That kind of weight loss lasts about as long as a May-December romance, if that. Taking the weight off by drinking shakes, taking pills or by way of a starvation diet is only a set up for a big ass 'F.' So, I'm happy to say that I am approaching this round with only weapons of healthy eating and exercising (with the assistance of a personal trainer) and I'm in it to win it for ME......starting today.

For the past three weeks, I've been keeping a food diary of (almost) everything I eat, on a daily basis. I don't have any weird cravings or unique tastes but I do have two very bad habits: eating out and eating late. So, those are the 2 things I'm working on changing in the next 3 weeks. Along with that, today is the first day of my 12-week exercise program. I've been talking to myself all day, chasing away that 'excuse-demon' who lives inside my head. Today marks the beginning of the end of the 'pretty fat caterpillar'..... this black butterfly is ready to spread her wings and soar.......................

Alas, my journey has begun!