A letter to my daughter....

Dear Daughter,

     I see so much of me in you and it scares me. It scares me, because, like me, you are a fierce protector of your family & friends; family and friends that sometimes don't deserve your loyalty and protection. It scares me because, like me, you often put other people's feelings, wants and needs before your own. It scares me because, like me,  you love others freely, completely and deeply. It scares me because, like me, when it comes to men especially, you love too hard and too long.....
even when they don't love you back.

Like me, you choose men who are broken on the inside. You attract the kind of guys who need more than you are capable of giving. Instead of a partner who can improve the quality of your life, you end up with partners who bring you pain & stress. They always have a back story of which you try to make sense, try to make right, try to make over. You try to love the pain from their eyes, the ache from their hearts, the darkness from their souls. You try to love them out of a history of despair, into a future of happiness, joy and success. You try to love them into seeing themselves in your eyes. You try to love them into loving you.

STOP THAT. NOW. IT DOESN'T WORK. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. 

You see, some men are so caught up in their own despair that they really don't see you. Sure, they take notice of your beauty, might even engage in deep & meaningful conversation and they won't hesitate to make sweet love to your body. But, when it comes to establishing a genuine connection, soul to soul, heart to heart, eye to eye, you won't get it. Not necessarily because they don't want to give it to you, they just can't. They are incapable and there is nothing you can do about that.
Only they can make that change.

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

When you come along with your light, fluttering heart, bright, beautiful smile, sweet, sassy charm, high hopes & big dreams, he has no idea what to do with it. He is not ready. He has not been prepared. He is battling demons from his past or buckling under societal pressures of today or barely fighting for his future. Although you may think shining your light into his darkness will help him see his way out, the effect is often just the opposite. Your fire burns him. Your light blinds him.

YOUR BRIGHT AURA HIGHLIGHTS HIS GLOOM.

Try as you might, you cannot make someone love you. You can't charm your way into his heart. Your goodness, he cannot appreciate. Your loyalty means nothing to him. You are just one of many who try to find their worth in his unworthiness. His anger, his sadness, his misery, his loneliness, his insecurities, his incompetence, his history of abuse, violence, indifference, neglect blocks every blessing you try to bestow upon him.

YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN.

My advice to you, dear daughter, is to turn your focus inward. Give your self the love, attention, affection and care you have so abundantly given to others. Polish your own shine to diamond status, uplift your own spirit, strengthen your own resolve, enlighten your own mind and be the best friend your self ever had. When you are comfortable in your own skin, being good to your self and living your life like it's golden, it is then that your true love will appear.....in the mirror.

Dear daughter,

LOVE YOU FIRST AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW.

Poetry Corner: A LETTER FROM THE WOMB

DEAR  MOMMY: A letter from the womb

c.  Sameialika Tarver October 25, 2006

To keep or not to keep
you ponder every day

You wonder if it's meant to be
for you and me to stay

Together, connected by body

Together, connected by blood

Together, connected by my father

Together, connected by love

You think about the pain

you imagine I will bring

You know your life won't be the same

If you take a chance on this beautiful thing

Your life will be turned upside down

Adjustments, you'll have to make

The experience of birth won't be much fun

yet, it will be worth you seeing my face

The memories of your labor pains

will soon fade away

The memories you and I will make

caould never be erased

Yes, your pockets may run low

your me-time and patience, too

But, just imagine how you'll feel

when I look at you

When I snuggle against your skin

and grip your hand in mine

Imagine the joy that will fill your heart

when I say 'Mommy' for the first time

I look forward to meeting you,

my Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, too

To smell your scent, to hear your voice

I know that you will make the right choice

Choose Me, Mom

Choose Us

Choose Me, Mom

Choose Love

HOME

So, I flew into my hometown last night for a surprise visit. My daughter had no clue I was coming so she was pleasantly shocked to see me walking into her apartment. She and my granddaughter were soundly sleeping when I arrived and although it was a school/work night, I had to wake them up. The grandiva was not happy to be awakened and she had no problem with hurting my feelings with her resistance. But once she was fully awake and realized her Gida was actually in the bed with her (yes, I got under the covers with her, fully clothed), she lit up. Then she scolded me for being in the bed with clothes on. We spent a couple hours hanging out then she reluctantly went back to sleep. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed she woke up, 6 hours later, ready for more quality time with her Gida. My eyes were burning from lack of sleep but, of course, I got right up with her. I contemplated spending the day with the grandiva, thinking she would not want to leave me to go to school. But she made it very clear that skipping a day of play with her friends was not on her mind. She enthusiastically got ready for school and, as she made her way out the door, she put up two fingers and said, 'Peace Gida!'....but only after she made sure I would be there when she returns.

My next stop was my mother's house. I decided to go there while she was at work and visit with my cousin and grandmother. I was anxious to see my grandmother's reaction to me since she had promptly forgotten who I was when I moved away. I spoke with my grandmother on the phone, a few days after I made it to Charlotte, and she did not know who she was talking to. She didn't remember my voice or my name. I cried. It broke my heart. At 90 years old, it's to be expected and I knew she had forgotten a lot of people. But never did I think she would forget me, especially not that fast. I was worried my leaving would cause my grandmother to become depressed or even sick, so when I thought about it, I realized her forgetting me was actually a blessing for her. She would not become heartsick or miss someone she did not remember. Still, I held out the hope that, if she saw me in person, her memory would be revived. When I arrived at the house, I walked straight in the unlocked door. After being greeted by my startled cousin with a bear hug, I stood face to face with my grandmother and said, 'Hiiiii Grandma! and wrapped my arms around her. When I pulled away, I asked her, 'Do you remember me?' She said, 'Yes but I haven't seen you in a while.' Whew! she remembers, I thought. A few minutes later, I asked her if she knew who I was and she said, 'no.' I told her my name and I told her I am her granddaughter. She just nodded and said, 'Well, I'm glad to see you' with the unspoken words 'whoever you are' lingering in the air. Nevertheless, I am happy she is still with us and I feel blessed to be in her presence.

As I sit here and wait for my mother's arrival home, my head aches due to fatigue resulting from the late night/early morning I had with my grandchild, my ears are being assaulted by my cousin's loud enjoyment of raisins she's eating, my eye is irritated from the love I received from our very excited-to-see-me dog (I am allergic to animal hair yet I can't resist her doggie hugs) and my arms are cold due to the NY fall temperatures that my short sleeved shirt is not suited for. Yet, it all feels and sounds so good because, no matter the new places you go, people you meet or experiences you have......there's no place like home!

EMPTYING THE NEST

 

 

Most parents look forward to the day when their children are finally old enough, mature enough and financially able to get out of the family home and into their own.  I am no different.  As soon as my daughter hit high school, I was thinking of ways that I could enjoy my free time and empty nest. I imagined the places I’d go, things I’d buy and people I’d entertain…..any time, any day and any way I wanted to. Then, the day came when I had to drop her off on campus and say (a temporary) good-bye.  The day I looked forward to for so long had finally arrived and what a bittersweet day it was.  I cried (of course) and I think she did too, after we left. The separation was difficult for both of us; easier than I thought for me (probably because she was home every other weekend) and harder than I thought it would be for her (especially since she was home every other weekend). She survived for a little while but, needless to say (if you’ve been reading regularly), she eventually came back home to attend school.  After a year and a half away, she was back in the house and on my nerves, full-time.  It’s been 2 years, a pregnancy and a baby since she came home and now, plans for emptying the nest are back in full effect.

 

When my granddaughter was first born, I told my daughter I would give her 3 years to get herself together and out on her own. I know how hard it is to be a single parent, physically, financially and emotionally and I don’t want to see my girls ‘suffer’ or go through unnecessary hardship. At the same time, I don’t want to coddle (cripple) my daughter to the point where she is too dependent on me.  Besides, I had life plans that she so rudely interrupted by leaving college then having a baby. Those choices aside, I think my daughter is a strong, smart and determined young woman and I want her to become independent sooner rather than later.  Yet, I’ve been worried that I’m pushing her out of the nest too soon. Yes, she’s almost 22 years old and yes, she has a child of her own to raise and yes, she needs to know how to navigate her way through the real world. But, the ‘pains’ of young adulthood and (premature) motherhood are definitely taking a toll.  Like most mothers, my daughter gets angry, frustrated, impatient and overwhelmed by her baby (duties), sometimes. She works and has her own money but still needs Mommy & Daddy’s financial support. She’s had her own room/space for most of her life, but, some nights, she still wants to crawl in bed with me (I probably would do the same if I lived with my Mom).  All of these things, in addition to knowing how cruel the world can be, makes me apprehensive about sending her out there. However, there is much more positive to be said about gaining and sustaining one’s independence. Handling your own business builds strength and confidence and dancing to your own tune (as opposed to your mother’s outdated music) encourages freedom of self-expression. I know it’s important that she build a solid mother/daughter relationship with her own child instead of allowing a big sis/little sis dynamic to take over by default of me being head of household. I want my daughter to know, by experience, that one must deal with the consequences of their own actions. When you choose to become a parent, you choose to become responsible for someone else’s life for, at least, 21 years; and how can one fully take on that responsibility if someone else is still responsible for them? 

 

That being said, I had been wondering if I was trying to make her do too much, too fast. In the past few weeks, my daughter and I have been looking for affordable apartments for  her and the gran’diva.  Every day, I give her some information or recommendation on apartment hunting and I can’t help but think I do it with a tad too much enthusiasm. She never mentioned feeling any kind of way about it, but still, I began to feel guilty.  No matter how many times I was told, ‘That’s just the mother in you….it’s normal….it’s time for her to get out there…..you will be fine and she will be fine,’ the feeling just would not go away. So, I finally asked her, point blank. I said, “Be honest. Do you think you’re ready to get your own apartment?” Her response was, ‘Ummmmm, uhhhhhh, I don’t know.”  “You don’t know!,” I exclaimed.  “Whaddya mean, you don’t know? Either you or you aren’t?”  She chuckled. I then asked, “Well, do you feel like I’m rushing you…pushing you out the door too soon?”  Without hesitation, she said, “NO. No, I don’t feel like that. I need my space, Shari needs her space. We do need our own place.”  “Okay,” I said, “just don’t want you to think I’m just trying to put you out like that.” She replied, “Nahhhhh, I don’t feel like that.” WHEW! As soon as those words were spoken, her assurance given, the waves of my guilt were immediately calmed. She does understand that it’s now time for her to take flight; time for her to make a nest of her own in which she can care for, raise and teach her precious baby. Yes, I look forward to the day I can enjoy the carefree feeling an empty nest brings; still, tears spring to my eyes every time I imagine them out there on their own. I’m sure they will survive and thrive, as many of us do but, as they stand on the landing, ready for takeoff, I want to snatch my little birdies back and never let them go….but that feeling is to be expected……right? 

 

 

BFly's Black Herstory Month: The Single Mother

In celebration of BFly’s Black Herstory Month, I would like to give honor & praise to the Single Mom. By definition, a single mother is a female parent who is head of her household, raising children on her own (with or without some degree of outside assistance from the male parent or other relatives). I know there are some single fathers out there, raising their children on a full-time basis but I don’t know any personally. I am also well aware that there are some single (and not single) mothers who don’t give their all and are not committed to raising happy, healthy, well-rounded citizens.  I’m not talking about them. Today, I want to celebrate the women I know who do this job and do it well…in some cases, exceptionally well. Whether or not a single mother receives financial, emotional or physical assistance from the other parent residing outside the household, her job is never easy. There is a huge difference between raising a child 24/7 and spending weekends, holidays and other planned time with them.  A single parent works full-time with rare breaks and no salary. She has to fill many roles along with being a parent: she is a maid, a cook, a chauffeur, personal assistant, stylist, nurse, teacher, referee, counselor, disciplinarian and the list goes on and on.  She is not allowed to quit when the going gets tough and she has no substitute to call on when she needs a day off.  Single moms everywhere work hard, sacrifice greatly and give more than they ever thought they possibly could.  So, today, I want to give them a shout out, some words of encouragement, formal acknowledgment and thanks for making such a wonderful contribution to society in the way of raising good human beings.  To all the great single mothers out there, I say:

Bravo to you, my sister

Your job is never done

Yet you continue to put that time in

Long after age twenty-one

Long after the kids mature

And are well off on their own

Their mother is always ‘Mommy’

And to her, they’re never grown

They remember all the nights you held them close to your heart

All the baths you gave, the meals you made, the love felt from the start

Being a good mother takes more than can be measured

And the memories created, for a lifetime, will be treasured

All the lessons that you taught and the battles that you fought

Will be honored when you see how strong and tall your children walk

When they take their first steps onto the path of independence

Accomplish goals, pursue their dreams and know their possibilities are endless

It’s because of you, dear Mom, that they have drive, that they can strive

That they know how to live, laugh and love, that they can smile with their eyes

And for them, I’ll say, THANK YOU Mom, for all that you’ve done

For raising an ambitious daughter, for raising a courageous son

a child who can now face the world on her own

a child who can give love because that’s what he was shown

The most important job of all is raising up a child

Shaping them into responsible adults, making their lives worthwhile

So while it seems the work you do is hardly ever done

If you’ve raised up a child in the way she should go then your race Is clearly won

CELEBRATE YOU, CELEBRATE LIFE, CELEBRATE LOVE!

Sameialika Tarver © February 24, 2012

This poem is dedicated to some very special single mothers I know who, in spite of their circumstances, are doing a helluva job raising their children in the way they should go: My sisters, Charliez Angelz: R. Tarver, K. Tarver, S. Tarver, N. Smith, N. Tarver, A. Tarver, C. Tarver, my dear cousins, E. Brace, S. Tarver & R. Monell and sista-friends, E. Manley, M. Moore, L. Harris, C. Hines, T. Johnson, K. Johnson, T. Mitchell, K. Thomas, S. Monk, S. Grady-Moses, and L. Phillips. These women are awesome mothers of awesome children.  Today, I salute you!

Breaking The Cycle........

The first time I realized I was part of a cycle that needed to be broken, I was 20 years old and in college. For a history class, I had to write an autobiography incorporating one of the topics given by my professor. I don't remember what the choices were but I decided to write about 'Breaking The Cycle.'  In my paper (on which I received a grade of A+), I discussed the cycles of poverty, abuse, teen parenting and (similar) partner choices in my family. I vowed to become a shining example (of what a responsible, successful woman is) for my then 3-year old daughter. I promised to teach her how to be a better decision-maker than I was. I wanted her to use my footsteps as a guide but not a designated route. However, it never occurred to me that there was another familial cycle that needed to be stopped.......the cycle of obesity. It wasn't until my daughter became pregnant last year and began 'eating like a pregnant woman' that I realized she may be on the path to becoming overweight.   

Prior to her pregnancy, she didn't eat alot and was more of a healthy eater than I was. Like most kids, she enjoyed eating chips, candy and sugar water juice, but she preferred my cooking over fast food, water over soft drinks and apples over cookies & sweets. I guess it helped that, although I was quick to order in, I never was much of a snack/junk food consumer. So, when she did have those things, they were nice treats. Around her 3rd month of pregnancy, I began to notice a big change in her eating habits. She was eating more chips, candy, sweet drinks and fast foods. Plus, she was staying up until all hours of the morning....eating! I warned her to slow down and be mindful of what she was putting in her mouth. I mean, she definitely had room to splurge since she only weighed about 115 lbs before pregnancy but, still, I told her to be careful. By the end of her pregnancy, she had gained around 35 lbs total. Not bad. It didn't take long, after she gave birth, for her body to 'bounce back.' She retained a few pounds, and went from a slim size 3 to a curvy 5 (whoopteedooooo!). I was happy that my daughter's post-pregnancy body was one she could still flaunt, and hoped her regular eating habits would resume. But, that didn't happen. Her body didn't change too much but her life did......drastically.

She went from being a carefree, full-time college student to a full-time working Mom who with many responsibilities. This, in addition to having household chores/responsibilities, as she still lives at home with me. Naturally, this lifestyle comes with a certain amount of unavoidable stress, and having once been in her shoes, I can relate. Unconsciously, I dealt with my stress by staying up late and eating., not realizing it was a huge problem until I was way past the 'borderline.' After one particular time of 'shaking my finger' at my daughter as she partook in some fast food meal at some ungodly hour, I realized there are glaring similarities in mine and my daughter's behaviors. She also deals with her stress by staying up late and eating. Slim-gene aside, (I warned her) if she continues on this path, she will find herself in the plus-size section of somebody's store, holding back her tears. When I tell her these things, she just laughs and blows me off, saying/thinking it won't happen. Granted, she takes more after her Dad's every damn thing naturally slim body size/type than my voluptuous, fluffy side of the family but, still, the possibility remains. 

Up until I became pregnant with her, I was always a slim-'normal' sized female. I weighed around 135 lbs. pre-pregnancy, gained a whopping 50 lbs and weighed 150 post-pregnancy. Over the years, my weight increased as my life fell apart responsibilities increased. I went away to college when my daughter was 3 years old and I still weighed 150 lbs. At the end of my first year of college, I weighed 162 lbs.  At the end of my second year, I weighed 180 lbs. In the years following, my weight increased gradually. I've been in my current weight range of 234-240 lbs. for about 7 years. No one could/would have predicted that I would become an obese person and it still boggles my mother's mind that I went from 'that' to 'this.'

I pray that my daughter will take heed to my warnings one day soon. However, I know my actions will speak much louder than my words.Getting my health and body under control is as important for me as it is for my daughter and, now also, my gran'diva. This cycle has got to be stopped. Meanwhile, I feel like a mother helplessly watching her child walk onto a busy highway......

Have you broken or vowed to break a vicious family cycle?  How did you do it and what was your family's response?