I Loved Me Some Him.....

"I love me some him, I'll never feel this way again, I love me some you, another man will never do...." - Toni Braxton, 'I Love Me Some Him'

There was a time I sang this song with just one particular man in my mind. Despite the fact that I had 'fallen for' others before and after 'him,' none made me feel the words to this song quite like 'he' did. You see, this man not only 'tickled my fancy,' he truly had my heart. He had my heart in his back pocket, shirt pocket, jacket pocket, chokehold, stronghold, death grip, locked up, locked down and completely covered. The feelings I had for 'him' were not your usual lovey-dovey, topsy-turvy, he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not kind of flutters. It was the kind of love where you see yourself in 50 years, sitting on the front porch, rocking in your chair with him by your side; you sipping on a sweetly mixed cocktail while he sips straight up gin (what? old people can't sip??). The kind of love where, if something tragic, exciting, inspiring, upsetting or hilarious happens to you or around you, he's the first person you want to call & share the news with. The kind of love where, when you get home from work, or get ready for bed or wake up in the morning, his face is the only face you want to see. The kind of love where, no matter what other guys offer, look like, are capable of or willing to do, they cannot sway you from 'his' grasp. Yeah, that kind of love.

Yet, all of this loving was getting me....us....nowhere. Our relationship was stuck in 'neutral.' There was no commitment made nor labels established. Each of us had entertained others, at one time or another, yet we always found our way back to each other. As much as some things changed around us, things remained the same between us. At first, I thought, he must not realize how much I care for him. So, I started to do things I believed would prove to him just how deep my feelings were. Things that showed that, no matter who else I may take a liking to, he was the man for me. Things I thought would shake him up and make him see that I was, indisputably, the woman for him. What kinds of things, you're wondering? Let's just say, he received middle-management benefits while performing entry level work.

No, I wasn't stupid (stop calling me names, that's not nice!). No, I'm not blind (though the prescription in my glasses is pretty strong). No, I'm not desperate (I mean, I could have somebody.....anybody....if I wanted but, I told you, I loved me some him!). I loved everything....well, almost everything....about him. From the way he scratched his head to the way he chewed his food to the way he said my name to the way he boyishly laughed to the way he clumsily held me in his arms to the way he....well, you get the picture.

I loved me some him.

Yes, I knew he didn't deserve the treatment, consideration and pieces of me I gave to him. Yet, I always found a reason to excuse his behavior and justify this pattern of mine. I never stopped to think about how little effort he put into making me smile or satisfying my needs or fulfilling my wants and desires. He would always tell me how much he loved me and how special I am to him, but his actions never backed up those claims. His 'love' for me never inspired or motivated him to change his ways, treat me the way a special love should be treated or take any action towards upgrading the quality of our relationship. So, his 'love' wasn't worth much.

I began to question myself.

How do you love this man so much when you are not loving yourself enough? 
This love you have for him is unrequited, so what is your point of participating in this relationship?
Do you believe you can't find some other 'him' to love....a 'him' that will love you back?

It became clear to me: while I was loving me some him, I was not loving me.

I made the decision to, finally and permanently, stop the madness. I didn't tell myself the lie that I would just cut him off cold turkey and never talk to him again. I didn't send him 'dear john' texts or give him an ultimatum (as I had in the past). I knew the 'all or nothing' tactic didn't work because I never stuck to my guns. So, I tried a different approach. I weaned myself off of him. I decreased the amount of time I spent communicating and interacting with him. Eventually, it became crystal clear to him that I was serious about ending his chapter in my life. It was then that he offered to do things for me and with me that I had longed for him to do in the past; but it was too little, too late.

I was filling my own love tank, quenching my own thirst for companionship and paying attention to my own wants and desires. Although I still loved me some him, I finally focused on loving me some me! 

The Grand-ness of it All

When I became a mother, it was the most joyous experience of my life. My heart was filled to the brim with so much love, I didn't think it could hold another ounce. Then along came a lil diva and, I swear, God must've increased my heart's capacity. Since the day my granddaughter was born, she has been the butter to my toast, cream to my coffee, the sugar to my sweet. I often wondered how any other grandchild to come along would ever fit in our grand lil world. Then we received a beautiful bundle of boy. Big difference. New kid in town. Whole otha ball game. Boy vs. Girl. Brand New Heart Compartment. Love overflowing. No competition necessary.

I have the best of both worlds.

Delightful.

Happy.
Joyful.
Two hands full.
Blessings.
Wonderful additions.
Immeasurable pleasure.

Of course, life with/for them is sometimes stressful, frustrating and difficult, as well but my daughter can better attest to that aspect. When it comes to Gida (that's me), life with the grands is pure bliss. I'm not the kind of grandmother who takes the kids to church or sits in a rocking chair to read a story or bakes cookies, pies and cakes but I do schedule, spend and enjoy quality time with them. And I must admit, they are great little people to be around.

My oldest grandchild is an outgoing, talkative, busy, inquisitive, energetic, beautiful, intelligent, outspoken little girl who has personality for days. She loves to take pictures, of herself and others. She enjoys all the lil girly things, like nail polish and pretty clothes, yet she will get down in the dirt or climb the highest tree right along with the boys. She makes a friend wherever she goes and her 'claim to fame' is telling it like it is. She is known as our 'grandiva,' and at just five years old, she lives up to every letter of that name.

My grandson, aka the grandada, is 3 months shy of 2 years old and is quite the character, in his own right. He is the yin to his big sister's yang. Where she's loud & obnoxious, he's cool, calm & collected. Where she's sensitive and tender, he's strong and tough. She pushes him down, he gets back up.....and still worships the ground she walks on. In real life and play, she's the teacher and he's the attentive student; which has been a blessing and a curse. In trying to keep up with 'Sis' (as he calls her), he quickly learned to walk, talk and throw tantrums. He communicates well, with words and in sentences, asserts his independence regularly, commands and demands attention. He also loves the camera and knows how to take selfies, is quite skilled in basketball and is already a heartthrob.

It's truly amazing, how smart and insightful these two kids are. No, seriously. I'm really not just saying this because they are mine. Every time I am with them, I learn something new. Whenever I am around them, they remind me, or give me new reasons, why they are so awesome. Make no mistake, I'm not one of those grandparents who thinks every little thing they do is cute, wonderful and supercallifragilisticexpialidocious. I do redirect, correct and discipline them, when necessary. However, even in their brattiest moments, I think they are the best kids ever. From the start, being a grandparent has been a beautiful and incomparable experience. There really are no words to fully describe just how special grand-love is. I often tell people, "It's love on a whole 'nother level." The feelings I get when they exclaim my name or hug me ever-so-tightly or give me sweet, butterfly kisses are like sunbursts to my soul. One day, I learned, those sunbursts come through even when the grands are not around.

Perched upon my desk at work are two frames of the grandiva and grandada together; one photo of them in their holiday best and the other, their fashionable school flick. This particular day wasn't special or extraordinary; nor was it the first time I looked at (those particular) pictures of my grandchildren. I just happened to glance that way and, once they caught my attention, I lingered for a moment and smiled. Then, suddenly, I felt a lump in my throat and tears began to sting my eyes. There was a swirling in my chest and I thought, 'What the hell is going on here?!' I was overwhelmed with emotion. I literally had to talk myself out of crying. Once the moment passed, I laughed and shook my head at myself for being such a sap.

It was in that moment I realized, with that kind of joy in my world, life surely is grand!

Poetry Corner: A LETTER FROM THE WOMB

DEAR  MOMMY: A letter from the womb

c.  Sameialika Tarver October 25, 2006

To keep or not to keep
you ponder every day

You wonder if it's meant to be
for you and me to stay

Together, connected by body

Together, connected by blood

Together, connected by my father

Together, connected by love

You think about the pain

you imagine I will bring

You know your life won't be the same

If you take a chance on this beautiful thing

Your life will be turned upside down

Adjustments, you'll have to make

The experience of birth won't be much fun

yet, it will be worth you seeing my face

The memories of your labor pains

will soon fade away

The memories you and I will make

caould never be erased

Yes, your pockets may run low

your me-time and patience, too

But, just imagine how you'll feel

when I look at you

When I snuggle against your skin

and grip your hand in mine

Imagine the joy that will fill your heart

when I say 'Mommy' for the first time

I look forward to meeting you,

my Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, too

To smell your scent, to hear your voice

I know that you will make the right choice

Choose Me, Mom

Choose Us

Choose Me, Mom

Choose Love

A Necessary Struggle....

I'd like to share a story that I found, "BUTTERFLY". The message is both powerful and insightful. I draw strength from these words, as well as a new perspective on life and my experiences. It explains why we have to go through some "bad" experiences to get to the good. It also underlines the fact that we must allow our children, family members and friends go through difficult times without 'rushing to grease them up' before every fight. STOP going to the schools making up excuses taking up for your kids when you know they were wrong. STOP buying them everything just because they want it, or because such and such has it, while they haven't done a thing to earn it. STOP making excuses for ignorant and disrespectful behavior. STOP allowing your kids to do grown up things and make grown up decisions before they are fully grown.

Everyone has to find their own way. Dealing with adversity and overcoming obstacles builds strength, character and self-esteem. Read on and be enlightened................

BUTTERFLY
author unknown

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.  One day, a small opening appeared.  He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours, as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then, it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther.  Then, the man decided to help the butterfly. So, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

 

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened!!  In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of his life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.  It was never able to fly.

 

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon & the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were necessary for the full growth of the butterfly.  It was God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

 

Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through life without obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been, and we could never fly.

 

So, have a nice day and struggle a little!  

 

REALITY CHECK!

Yes, kids, there are levels to this ish and here are 11* that you need to get very familiar with......

RULE 1: LIFE IS NOT FAIR - get used to it!

RULE 2: THE WORLD WON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SELF=ESTEEM. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3: YOU WILL NOT MAKE $60,000 A YEAR RIGHT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

RULE 4: IF YOU THINK YOUR TEACHER IS TOUGH, wait til you get a boss.

RULE 5: FLIPPING BURGERS IS NOT BENEATH YOUR DIGNITY. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

RULE 6: IF YOU MESS UP, IT'S NOT YOUR PARENTS' FAULT so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7: BEFORE YOU WERE BORN, YOUR PARENTS WEREN'T AS BORING AS THEY ARE NOW. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8: YOUR SCHOOL MAY HAVE DONE AWAY WITH WINNERS AND LOSERS, BUT LIFE HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9: LIFE IS NOT DIVIDED INTO SEMESTERS. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10: TELEVISION IS NOT REAL LIFE. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11: BE NICE TO NERDS. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

*Rules given by Mr. Charles Sykes, author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. 

Dear Aja Metoyer.....the shame is on you, deal with it!

Dear Aja Metoyer, 

Let me get this straight: you've been sleeping with someone else's man for an undetermined period of time, you've admitted to not only being his mistress but being totally & utterly disrespectful to his woman by telling her (in a letter to the world) how her man 'made you feel comfortable' on her side of the bed, you became pregnant by this man and gave birth to his son then took to social media to rant and rave about 'what the truth is' regarding your status as being 'more than just a baby mama.' Right?  Yeah...dead wrong.

  

Now, I know it's none of my business; you don't know me and I don't know you; in fact, I don't even know Dwyane Wade or Gabrielle Union (although she is my sister in my head). But, I have a right to my opinion. I love to give it, solicited or not, and since I have a platform to do so, on this here blog, I'm going to do exactly that. It bothers me that (women like) you feel compelled to shame another woman because you can't handle your own shame by yourself. I know not the dynamics, details or dirty secrets of the Wade/Union relationship but what I do know is that, despite his rendezvous with you (and whatever other women may be in his back pocket), Gabby is always front and center, standing strong. She is the woman he celebrates with (moments big or small), the woman he takes silly pics with and posts on social media for all the world to see, the woman he spends holidays with, shares his life with, the woman he trusts to be a parental figure to his children. Gabrielle Union is the woman he takes on trips around the world, who he proclaims and exclaims his deep love & affection for, the one he refers to as his beautiful black queen, the one he recently pledged to commit his lifelong love to....but YOU'RE MAD??

Despite your sad and pitiful efforts to soil her name and cause her shame, Gabrielle Union's dimples are still in full effect (read, she's still smiling). She is proudly wearing the ring her man gave her, just a month after you gave birth to your son. From the looks of things, they will be going forward with their marriage plans so you can stop now. Stop trying to make Gabby look stupid and stop making a fool of yourself. Don't you think you've done enough by exposing details of your affair with him, getting pregnant and bringing a child into this world under these circumstances? What is it that you hope to accomplish by continuing to throw dirt on the Wade/Union relationship? Sure, there will be those who will judge Gabby, think of her as 'stupid,' 'desperate,' 'money-hungry' or other unflattering things but guess what? That's not going to get you what you want: to be in her shoes. You telling the world how you were flown here & there, in secret, what amenities you enjoyed in Gabby's absence and how much more you mean to Dwyane than what a side piece usually does, is not going to change the fact that they are together. Your admission to willingly being the poison in another woman's love life is nothing to be proud of, honey. To make matters worse, you are a mother of two female children. Is this what you want them to learn about how a woman carries herself and conducts herself in the dating world? Probably not. So, maybe you should put the muzzle on now and focus on taking care of that baby boy and those two girls. Find a way to move on and get your own man to love. I think your 15 minutes are way over.......good luck to you!

P.S.

In no way is Dwyane Wade absolved of his responsibility in this matter. However, that is Gabrielle's business to handle, although I think she's been there and done that already. This letter/post is written to address the actions and unbecoming behavior of  one woman to another , specifically. 

BFLY'S TOP TEN.....Lessons Learned in 2013

TOP 10 LESSONS I LEARNED in 2013
There are many things I've learned throughout this year,
but this is a compilation of the top ten.
These lessons were eye-opening and life-changing......

1.) DO WHAT IS BEST for you. I felt so much guilt for wanting to move out of my home and my hometown, leaving my daughter, granddaughter and grandmother behind. One part of me believed it was selfish of me to take my support away from them but the other part of me needed to be selfish, in order to give myself the love, care and support I desperately needed. I'm glad I made the move; my spirit has been so much better for it.

2.) MENTAL HEALTH is of the utmost importance. Losing my brother to suicide and battling my own depression has brought the issue of mental illness to the forefront of my life. This year, I became stronger in my fight and more optimistic about my future. I am very conscious of the way I think and behave towards myself. I must maintain a healthy mental outlook, and I aim to do so, by any means necessary. 

3.) GOOD PEOPLE do still exist. Early this year, I took a much needed leave of absence from my job. At the time, I only had a few days' worth of leave credits I could apply towards my 30 days off. The amount of potential income loss was significant, but it was worth the stress relief I'd get from not having to go to work. I applied for our time donation program (where coworkers could donate their own leave credits towards my absences) and hoped I'd receive a few days, at least. About a week into my leave, I received a document stating that most of my leave would be covered by coworkers' donations and I would only lose a day and a half of pay. My God, my God......what a blessing that was!

4.) EVERYTHING HAPPENS for a reason. I was reconnected with someone I hadn't seen in over 10 years. He wasn't anyone I had ever had any romantic interest in but, I opened myself up to the possibility. I developed an intimate relationship with him and believed it would be a long-term partnership. We had good, fun and meaningful, times together but they would be short-lived. When I realized it wasn't going to work out between us, it took a while for me to accept it. I was disappointed but I knew I had to walk away. My hopes for us were shot down but I knew the reason for his coming into my life had been met. I left the relationship as a stronger and better person; and grateful for the lesson the experience taught me.     

5.) LETTING GO is mandatory. As parents, we worry that our kids are not listening to us; that they will not heed our advice or follow our good examples. So we tend to hang on to them, for dear life, fearing that they cannot live productively without us. Sometimes, our children choose paths we wouldn't necessarily choose for them, they do things we don't agree with and they disappoint us in various ways. Even so, they do listen; they make good choices and do things we approve of and, even, are proud of. One of things I worried about most was my daughter being on her own with her baby. I thought I'd be getting frantic phone calls from her, or relatives, saying I need to get back because she just can't do it. But, I haven't received one such call since I moved. I've been visiting with them for the holidays and, I see for myself that she is doing well. I am proud of the mother she is, the young woman she is becoming and the personal growth she displays. Her housekeeping and home management is on point and I can return to Charlotte knowing my daughter is doing A-ok without me.

6.) FAMILY/LOVED ONES are not to be taken for granted. The drama and chaos that often comes with being part of a large family or circle of friends can cause one to want to get away and stay away. When I moved, it was a relief to be away from it all. I wanted to be one of those relatives who only returned home for holidays and special occasions. I wanted people to miss me when I was gone and appreciate me when I come back around. Now, I see that being away from the drama and chaos also means being away for the love, support, camaraderie, friendship and fun. Them missing me means I'm missing them and the appreciation goes both ways. While I am glad to be distanced from people & situations that have been stressful in my life, I'm not so sure if I want to be that loved one 'reserved for holidays and special occasions.'

7.) LOVE is an action word. This, I already knew but things that happened this year made it clearer. I've experienced. or witnessed, the love lie in many ways, from individuals I didn't expect it. Friends who have been around for decades and relatives who have been around for life have shown up (or not) this year in very unloving ways. It's sometimes hard to accept that the people you want in your life are not good for your life; that the people you thought would be around forever have now run their course; that the ones you'd give an arm for can hardly give a damn for you. They may say they love you but those words don't mean a thing if what they do says they don't.

8.) LEAPS OF FAITH are necessary for growth and change. Deciding to leave my job of 7 years (which provided a decent paycheck and good benefits) and move to a new city/state with no new job lined up required much thought, a good plan and strong sense of faith. Though this decision was one of the riskiest (and some may think, stupidest) I've ever made, I submitted my 2 weeks' notice with no worries. I packed up my belongings with no hesitation. I drove down the highway, away from my hometown of 40 years towards a place I had only been to once in my life, with no fear. I've lived in Charlotte for almost 5 months now, and though it hasn't been smooth sailing, my life has changed for the better. Being in my new environment has been conducive to my continued personal growth and has strengthened my resolve to take another leap of faith and another and another......

9.) ONLINE DATING is not for me. There are many people who have found love via an online dating site so I know it is possible. However, the virtual dating scene isn't for everybody and I'm one of those it isn't for. Through my experience, I learned that my time and energy would be better spent on face-to-face interactions.

10.) SPENDING HOLIDAYS with family is something to be cherished.  I was dead wrong when I said, spending holidays with family is overrated. This year, I was set on 'doing something different' for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had shared those times with the same relatives all of my life so I figured it was time to change it up. But, when the holiday season approached, there was nowhere else I wanted to be than with my family and friends. Thanksgiving was full of so much love, good times and laughter and Christmas Eve/Christmas Day was filled with incomparable joy. Although I may 'do something different' in the future, I will never again discount the value of spending the holiday season with the family I love and friends I cherish.

What are some of the greatest lessons you've learned this year?


'Twas The Night Before Christmas: A Mistress' Tale

'Twas the night before Christmas, I felt like a fool

I had given away one of my most precious jewels

my heart was taken with lies and wet kisses

I was seduced into playing the role of his mistress

Our days were filled with mystery and hot passion

not thinking of his family or consequences of our actions

I told him I loved him, he told me he cared

he bought me gifts aplenty, deep secrets we shared

He spent nights at my house, most days I spent alone

staring out the window, listening for the phone

Upon his arrival, I'd run to the door

welcoming and delighted in being his whore

The night before Christmas, I heard a terrible noise

out on my front lawn were his wife and two boys

she screamed and she yelled, she wanted to fight

he ducked behind the door, trying to stay out of sight

She approached me and roared, "Bitch, get out of my way!

I came for my husband, with me he's gon stay!

'Get out here' she demanded, as she lunged for the door

 He came out from hiding and I knew she had scored

I looked at him, pleadingly as he looked away

straightened up his clothes and walked out

to my dismay

I stood there shocked in spite of what I already knew

he had a home and his family he was returning to

As he got in the car and drove off with his wife

I stood frozen as the pain cut like a knife

I shuddered as reality suddenly set in

I'll  be spending the holidays alone

once again

c. Sameialika Tarver 2005

The Time Is Now...

Today is my father's birthday. It's been over 10 years since he passed away but my siblings and I still acknowledge, and in some way, celebrate the day our father was born. When he was alive, he would not let us forget it. He would call us days before, telling us what we better have for him he wanted and he made sure to show up and collect. In some ways, I felt like, 'he got some damn nerve!' but, for the most part, I took joy in showing my Dad some love on his special day. He was nowhere near a perfect father but he loved him some me and I loved me some him.. We shared a close bond and had a good relationship. I was a 'Daddy's Girl' for most of my life, but things changed as I got older. 

In the weeks before my father died, I was giving him the cold shoulder. If he said anything to me, my responses would be short & snippy, I kept my distance and my smiles for him were tight-lipped, if I smiled his way at all. During this time, I was ready to confront him and go head-to-head with the 'Why didn't you/where were you when...' conversation. I had asked him a few hard questions before, but it was never an opportunity where we could have a full-blown discussion. I was so ready for it, and I could tell, in his eyes, he wasn't. I believe he had an idea of how I I felt because he seemed to be extra soft & cautious in our interactions. He wouldn't say too much about my attitude and actions towards him but he would give me this look. A look that said, 'You better watch who you're talking to' but 'I understand where you're coming from' at the same time. For the most part, I never gave my father any backtalk (because I knew I would get a backhand and a fat lip), but at this particular time, I didn't care. I was (as they say today) in my feelings. I felt hurt so I wanted him to hurt too. 

Then, one night, my father was hit and run over by a car....and he died from the injuries 10 days later. He was in tremendous pain in the days leading up to his death and I felt no sympathy. It was one of the few times in my life that I felt cold & indifferent towards someone I loved. I was mad so, at the time, I thought, 'that's what he gets' (the pain, not the incident). Not once did I think he would die (from those circumstances) and never did I wish death upon him. I just didn't care that he was suffering and I chalked it up to him getting his karma. Then, he was gone.  

As I saw my father lying lifeless on my sister's couch, all the things I felt the need to say to him before didn't seem to matter much. In the subsequent days of planning his funeral, I had time to think, reflect and reminisce. I thought about how unnecessary and unfair my recent actions toward my father were. How, instead of being funky and cold towards him, I could have used a more loving, warm approach. Instead of judging my father on the things I thought he did wrong, I could have focused on all of the things he did right. I could have looked at him as the flawed human being he was (as we all are); a person who made choices that resulted in some good and some bad. I could see the hurt in my Dad's eyes from the disappointment he knew I felt. Yes, I had some resentment but our good times greatly outweighed the bad times. I should have reassured my Daddy how much I loved him, and that I was still his girl, in spite of it all....

No matter how much anger, resentment or disappointment you feel, if you love someone, need someone or want someone in your life, let them know.....now....before it's too late.

Don't wait until it's too late.....

if you love me, tell me now

if you care, show me how much 

I really mean to you

Don't wait until it's too late....

if there's something you want me to have, give it to me today

if there's something I need to know, don't hesitate 

say what's on your mind

Don't wait until it's too late...

if the time comes, take it

when the chance arrives, embrace it

and make 

every 

moment 

count

Don't wait until it's too late...

when my eyes can no longer see

and my ears can no longer hear 

when my feelings can no longer be

Don't wait until it's too late

when my body has gone cold

and your words and actions can do me no good

and all I am is a memory to hold

Don't wait 

another day might be too late....

the time 

is now

copyright 2013 by Sameialika Tarver

Happy Birthday Daddy

Woman Seeking Man

I gave up, quit, threw in the towel on the online dating scene. Already? you say. Yup! Already. 

You see, I joined the online dating community with the hopes of finding someone I could meet, date and possibly end up in a relationship with. I looked forward to meeting people who are interesting, fun, mature, attractive, sexy, stable, secure and open to the possibilities I am open to. I thought I'd have a good chance since I am attractive, intelligent, fun, fabulous and a lot of other good things. Not so much. In my month-long membership, I have not met ONE guy who has gained enough of my interest to want to date him. There was one who had my attention (physically stimulating), a couple who were nice to talk to (but leaned towards the boring side), a few who were fun/interesting to talk to (but showed clear warning signs of 'crazy ahead') and some who just tried too hard (using cheesy poetry, cliches and terms of endearment). However, there was one guy (that I will refer to as 'Jack') I did exchange phone numbers with, speak to on the phone and had a mild interest in. He invited me to go to the mall with him, on a whim (or so I thought) and, immediately, I told him yes, I would go. 

I met him in the parking lot of a nearby shopping plaza. My sister drove me there so she could meet him, see his face, car and license plate number. He seemed harmless over the phone and I felt very comfortable with him and although I know anything is possible, I was stupid crazy outta my mind cool with getting in the car with him. So I did. Conversation started off good. He did most of the talking, I laughed at his jokes & sarcastic remarks and I shared some things about myself. It was a 45 minute drive (due to traffic) to our destination and, within the first 5 minutes, I knew I wouldn't want to see this guy again. The rest of the time we were together reinforced that feeling and three things stood out for me.

#1 - Physically, Jack wasn't appealing to me. In his pictures, he looked attractive but when I saw him in person, I realized he was hiding one thing in all of his pics - a big belly. Now, I have a tubby tummy myself so I'm not judging or being shallow. The difference between me and  him is that I did not hide that fact in my dating profile. I included head shots and full body pics. Of course, I try to dress in a manner that will not put my belly on display but it ain't hard to see that I do have one. He clearly did not want to show his and he made remarks about himself (while we were in the car) that let me know he is insecure about his body.

Not only am I carrying extra weight around my middle but I have also dated (loved and was crazy attracted to) other guys who are overweight, with big bellies. However, the way they carried themselves made a big difference in how I felt towards them. They were confident and sure about themselves. Their weight or body shape did not hold them back from holding their heads high. Jack's posture in the car was of a lazy, sloppy nature. He seemed to be well groomed and smelled nice but his body language told me he had no swag (sorry, can't think of another word that expresses that) and he knew it.


#2 - Jack was not the 'boss-type' of guy I perceived him to be. In his pics, he came across as a guy who is a 'man's man.' The kind of guy that takes his lady by the hand and leads her through a crowd, who stands behind her at the bar and orders her drinks for her, who scoops her up in his arms and squeezes her tight. Instead, he was the kind of guy who makes sarcastic remarks that are insults in disguise (jerk). The kind of guy who gets in the car first while his 'date' stands waiting for him to unlock her door - from the inside (not a chivalrous bone in his body)! The kind of guy who sneaks in touches & feels with the hopes that he won't, or belief that he shouldn't, be checked on it (perv tendencies). 

While talking in the car, he used his hands expressively and touched my leg once or twice and even came veryclose to touching my breast. I gave him the benefit of the doubt the first two times he made or almost made contact with me, but on the third time, I had to check him. When I told him to keep his hands to himself, he had the nerve to be defensive & offensive, at the same damn time! He told me I need to relax and calm down. Then he grabbed my hand and rubbed it on the upper thigh area of his jeans and (in a joking manner) asked if that made me feel better. I told him it did not. It actually made me very uncomfortable, but I didn't tell him that. Instead, I laughed it off and tried to make the best of the situation. 

#3 - Jack is a cheap bastard. He told me, when he was with his ex-wife, they went dutch on outings to the movies because it's too expensive for one person to pay. Excuuuuuuse me?!  Yes, the movies are expensive but there are ways to cut down on the expenses other than going dutch. I'm not opposed to going dutch or even, footing the bill sometimes. However, that would be after a few dates and my idea to do so. For a guy to suggest it, especially in the beginning phase, is a turnoff for me. I know times are hard for a lot of folks but, sir, if you don't have the money to take a woman to the movies or on a decent lunch or dinner date, please get off the dating scene.

In addition to the movies scenario, he made other statements to let me know he wasn't the type to spend money. Don't get me wrong. I'm not nor have I ever been a gold-digger. I just like for a man to want to spend his money on me...whether it be for a movie date or very nice birthday/holiday gift. Or a simple book that I have interest in. While we were in one store, I picked up a book and flipped through it. I looked at the price then put it down. He asked me how much it cost and I told him. He said nothing and walked away. I picked up another and did the same thing. That time, he said nothing.That was it for me. Yes, I can pay my own way & for my own things, but that isn't the point. In fact, I didn't really want the books, I just wanted to see if he would offer to buy it (or something) for me...especially since he invited me to go to the mall! I mean, really, what kind of man asks a woman to go to the mall with him then not offer to buy her anything?! 

I think he's done that before though. Take a drive to the mall (under a bs premise that he needed to find sneakers for his son), walk around, get a feel for her and spend not a dime. Well, he did offer to buy me something to eat from the food court (ha!) but, by then, I had lost my appetite.

I lost my appetite for food, any connection with that fella and the online dating scene. I know what you're thinking. I shouldn't let one person spoil the whole experience. I haven't been online long enough to give it a fair chance. There are success stories from online dating. Yeah. Yeah Yeah. You do you and let me do me. From the short time I was online, the exchanges that I've had and that one 'date,' I've realized that online dating is just not for me. Not only does it not give people a real glimpse of who I am as a person, but it enables too many fakes, frauds & imposters to be a part of my life, no matter how short the time is. I've lived enough and learned enough lessons to know I need to follow my own gut, do what feels good/right to me and not be afraid to make choices that are in my best interest. Ok, it's really not that deep.....but then again, it is. 

There's nothing like being in front of a person, talking to them, looking at them, seeing the way they move and feeling the vibes they give off. That is a much better way to gauge whether or not you want to pursue anything with someone. It's a waste of time, in my opinion, to set up a profile, stalk check your mailbox, read/send messages, give out your phone number, text or talk to people then realize they aren't worth your time. You can't get that time back. Yes, we can still be fooled by people in person but, I think we would waste less of our valuable time doing so. If I had met Jack in person, I would have never given him my phone number or the time of day. I would've immediately dismissed him as a 'cornball' and moved on to the next. But, I'm glad I had the experience. Now I know what it's like in the online dating world. I'm not saying I'll never try it again but for now, I'll stick to real life.

LOVE: The survival of the fittest

My ego wants me to hate you but it's me that I despise...
for allowing you to seduce me with your well rehearsed lines of overused lies....

With that fire in your eyes, you ignited a spark that had me longing for things we could do in the dark....

The brightness of your smile blinded me to a truth that is so ugly 
your lips that I kissed told fibs about how much you really loved me.....

The way you held me in your arms gave a comfort I needed
so when I saw the first warning sign, I refused to heed it....

In that moment, when the bold truth burst thru the door, I didn't want to face the you I knew I wouldn't want any more.. 
No matter how much my heart wanted you to be the one for me, my mind could not decry or deny the cold reality....

The disappointment in knowing I was wrong....again
The frustration of having to start all over.... again
The humiliation of having to face my family and friends....

But truth is, I am human and though it's love that I want, I refuse to be fueled by desperation
I need a truth I can flaunt
I refuse to be led on by good looks or charm, I need arm candy of loyalty
only a king of honesty is fit for my royalty

I will not allow a foolish man to swindle me out of my heart in return for sweet nothings given out in the dark...
I won't be driven crazy by drama created by desperate exes and lonely baby mamas...

I need a love that is mature, healthy and true
and though I hate to admit it, that love is not you.....
So, onward I go, with another lesson learned 
and though my feelings have been burned, my heart is still intact
and...
I will survive.

copyright 2013 by Sameialika Tarver

All I Want For Christmas....

....is a new name.

According to the article published in The Kansas City Star, a bi-racial girl of African-American and Caucasian descent desperately wanted to change her name from Keisha to Kylie. Reportedly, she wants to change it due to the ridicule, negative remarks and bad treatment she has received, as a result of her name. Personally, she believes the name Keisha is beautiful. It's just been uncomfortable for her to carry it, as it doesn't fit her.

Keisha/Kylie's mother, who is Caucasian, said she picked out the name Keisha for her daughter before she even gave birth. In her mind, the name Keisha represented a 'strong, feminine and beautiful' black woman and she wanted her child to carry it with pride. She hoped her baby girl, that she named Keisha, would feel proud and connected to black culture. Instead, the very opposite happened. Raised in a community where it's said to have a small black population, Keisha was subject to the ignorance of those around her who made negative assumptions and dead-wrong generalizations about her name. They asked if she had a 'La' or 'Sha' as a prefix to Keisha and they assumed she was 'a certain kind of girl.' She had to change her name, she said, because, with it, she just didn't feel like herself.

Huh?

As much as our names can have an effect on how we are perceived and treated and be an indicator of what culture/racial group we belong to, it has nothing to do with how we are as a person. We are born with certain genetic markers, dispositions and characteristics but nowhere have I ever read that a certain name effects the kind of person you become or determines how you carry yourself. Names can be a source of pride or angst but it's not a source of character or state of being. People change their names for various reasons, and they have ever right to. Change your name, Keisha, but please be honest (with yourself, more than anyone else) about the reasons behind it.  

You didn't change your name because of how other people perceive it and treat you. No Keisha, you changed your name because you agree with those negative perceptions and generalizations. In the back of your mind, you think just like those who shamed, judged and belittled you. To you, the name Keisha represents the loud, ghetto, poor, unworthy, promiscuous, video-vixen wanna-be girl; it represents everything you don't want to be associated with, which boils down to (what you and the ignorant folk around you see as) 'blackness.' So you want to be Kylie. It's no wonder you chose a name such as that because it brings to mind privilege, beauty, class and all things good & white. Instead of embracing your name and showing the people around you that the name Keisha represents all the black and white goodness that you are made up of (as a friend suggested you do, according to the article), you opted to abandon the name in the hopes of abandoning the stereotype.

With your new name, you hope to be treated with respect and dignity, as you very well deserve to be. However, you're missing the part about people mistreating you due to their own issues with your being black, not what name you carry. Therein lies your real problem, Keisha/Kylie. You can never replace the black part of you. A name does not change the fact that you are and will always be (perceived and treated as) a black woman. As a black woman, sometimes you will experience discrimination, racism and prejudice. That's just a fact of your half-black life. You cannot control other people's behavior but what you can do is be the best half-black Keisha/Kylie you can be. No matter what name you choose to buy for yourself, you must make peace with, love and respect yourself, as you are, before anyone else will.

A Word of Advice....

I read somewhere, that it could be helpful for one to consult with their exes to get a better gauge on how one could be better in future relationships. I thought about it and, as with most things, there are some advantages and disadvantages to this notion. On one hand, if your ex could be honest (without being brutal), you may be able to learn yourself something. On the other hand, if your ex is still salty, you may get an earful of some things that will just make you mad. I like to think of myself as the ex you can still be cool with, with no salt added and I would give honest, helpful feedback. But how many of my exes could be counted on to give me the non-hating truth?? I think I could get the real deal from 2 or 3, but would I actually go for it? I don't know.

I've thought about it and, even, seriously considered doing it. I mean, what's the worse that could happen? They don't oblige me or they say some things I don't want to hear? They post on FB or IG about their crazy ex who needed their help on getting her future love life together? Not so bad. I think I could take that. But I don't believe any of my exes would actually do that. I think, if I seriously asked them questions, such as, 'What did I do wrong, what I could do differently or better and what did I do that was great or on point?,' they would give me honest feedback. They would probably feel honored that I have such regard for them that I would even ask. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.......I just might try it.

What about you? Would you ask your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend for their advice on how you could be better in your future relationships? If so, how much consideration would you give to what they tell you? Have you asked and heeded their advice? Did it work?

The Queen City

So, I've been in Charlotte, NC aka The Queen City, for about 2 months now and, so far, so good. The city has a lot to offer a single, woman like me who prefers quiet living with city appeal, has creative wings that need to be spread and enjoys having an active social life. The community I live in is nicely designed (as most like it seem to be) with great amenities, my neighbors are seen but rarely heard and most of all, it's affordable. Granted, my sister is footing the bill for our living expenses, as she so lovingly offered to do, allowing me time to gain employment and use the funds I have to maintain the bills that this move did not eliminate. But once I get on, it's nice to know I will be able to maintain (and eventually, elevate) my standard of living. Many of you may be saying, "What! You moved to a new state and you don't have a job?!" Yes I did and no, I don't. Not because I am irresponsible, rash or naive but because I cherish my health over a paycheck.

I made this move for a few reasons, but my mental and emotional health was at the top of the list. The life I was living back 'home' became so stressful and overwhelming that it, literally, was life-threatening. This is not to say, a change in location is the remedy to a health problem, but sometimes, it needs to be part of the prescription. In my case, it was necessary. Since arriving in Charlotte, NC, I have experienced a significant change (for the better) in my mental & emotional outlook. I can move through my day without having to take care of, worry about or be infringed upon by another person. I don't feel the need to succumb to any pressures to do anything and I don't feel responsible for anyone else's problems. Being away from the sources of those issues allows me the time and space to correct them, within myself. Of course, I still have some concerns, that come with being away from my grandmother, my daughter and the gran'diva. I still experience urges to 'fix' whatever problems they may be experiencing but being 1200 miles away from them does not allow me to do so (as easily as being right there would). There are times that I wish I could be there to soothe my granddaughter when she's upset, assist my daughter when she needs a break and spend time with my grandmother, who has forgotten who I am (by voice and name). But I have to 'let go and let God.' Keeping the faith that they will fare just fine without me there to cushion every fall, soothe every hurt or ease every pain. Not only that, I now have no excuse to not 'get my life!' (as Tamar Braxton would say).

Of course, I miss my loved ones like crazy! I miss being able to jump in the car and drive a few blocks to one of my sister's houses. I miss Friday night girl talks with my favorite cousins & friends. I miss Sunday dinners with the family. I miss being able to 'dial-a-hairdo' or order up an impromptu meeting for dinner & drinks. I miss chilling out with my mother. I miss my daily work commute with my daughter and gran'diva. I miss chatting & laughing with a few of my coworkers-turned-friends. Hell, I miss going to work. I just miss home. But, overall, I am good here. I haven't quite started 'living' in the Queen City but the future looks promising. I plan to be here for a very long time as this is a great place for me to enjoy my 'Second Act.' I look forward to getting settled into a work routine, developing an active social life and making Charlotte, NC my home away from home.

Family Ties....Untied (?)

As I've mentioned previously in this blog, I come from a big family and sizable group of friends with whom I spend a considerable amount of time. We've had wonderful times together and made great memories, whether it's in celebration of a holiday, birthday, milestone, achievement or 'just because.' We just love to be together. However, it's all coming to a bittersweet crossroad. Sweet, because it involves major change, new places, people, things and experiences; Bitter, because it involves major change, loss of fellowship (as we've known it for forever), physical closeness & proximity and a shaking up of stability & security. As very close siblings/relatives/friends, my group (affectionately known as Angelz & Co.) does almost everything together. We're always at each other's homes, in each other's cars, shopping together, eating together, drinking together, crying, laughing and fighting together. We do almost everything together. Not always as the entire group, but at least 2 of us are together on any given day. That is about to change....in a major way...and it ain't gonna be easy for any of us.

My sister (who I'll refer to, from now on, as 'QB') and I are planning to move out of state in the very near future, to 2 separate states. She and I are the eldest of the crew and are the leaders, for the most part. If any of our siblings or friends need (to know) or want (to do) something, more than likely, they will consult with me or QB....and more than likely, QB or I will (help) work it out/make it happen. For instance, if someone wants to have a party for themselves, their child, friend/relative, they will probably call me. They will expect for me to pull details together and make sure things get done properly. For family gatherings, such as holidays, summer BBQ's, etc., they will likely call on QB....and she will pull it together. There's a sister or sf we call on for hairdos, a sister we call on to borrow money from, a sister we call on for fashion advice/assistance, a sister we call on for babysitting or emergency pickups/dropoffs, a sister we call on for conflict backup....there's a sister or sf to call on for just about everything. To not have that is going to be a major shock to each of our systems and is going to be a major adjustment to adapt to.

Granted, there will still be 4 sisters (and one brother, who does his own thing outside of us, most of the time) living in our hometown but it's just not going to be the same. I may be giving myself and QB too much credit but I'm afraid that our siblings are not going to keep our 'Angelhood' alive. I'm afraid for that, because they usually rely on one of their big sisters to initiate family gatherings and group activities. I'm afraid for that because they get easily upset, annoyed, frustrated and their 'idgaf' (I don't give a f*^k) switch gets turned on too easily. I'm afraid for that because I won't be around to 'save the day.' However, in recent months, we each have gotten better with communicating and relating to each other, so I will pray on it. I will pray and I will have faith that my siblings will not let the 'Angelhood' crumble; that they will, in fact, stand taller....be better. I pray that, with these major changes that are about to occur in our lives, the ties that have bound us together for so long, will not come undone; that they will be lengthened and strengthened so that they will hold us together even closer.

I'm Baaacccckkkk (again)!

It has been 10 months since my last post....WOW. I've had plenty to write about since August 8, 2012....and I thought about posting many times....but, for some reason, I just haven't been able (willing?) to collect my thoughts, feelings & opinions and share them. As I type, I have no idea what I will talk about in this post. Really, I just wanted to take a peek at the blog and refresh my memory of what I had last written. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop at just one post. I kept reading and slowly but surely, an energy rose up in me that made me realize....THIS is what makes me feel (good, sad, refreshed, renewed, redundant, alive...and much more)....this is what I need to do more often.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Depending on my mood & experience, spontaneously, a poem will flow through me or I'll get bursts of short stories, whispers of book titles, streams of novel ideas (as in book, not new....well, new too but, you get what I mean)...and I feel relief....a  release. Just like the flow of energy.....ideas come to me and almost as quickly, they go. I need to devote more time to documenting these things as often as they occur. I know I've missed out on the next, Oprah's Book Club pick great american novel simply because I felt too busy....lazy....tired....defeated to put pen to paper (or finger to tablet). However, when I do jot down my poetry, stories, thoughts, etc, I find that I am 'in my zone.' I feel more like 'me.'

I've been doing that a great deal lately, too.....feeling (more like) myself. Alot has happened in my life, since my last post: I helped send my nephew (who I refer to as my sonneph) to college, I turned 40 and celebrated in a big way with some of the most special people in my life, I fell into (and victoriously got up out of) a deep depression, I let go of an old (depressing) 'love' and (was) found (by) a new love....then lost that love (*huge sigh*), began then quickly quit (but still had to pay for) a great semi-personal training program (*wtf Bfly?!*), dropped a size (but not really that much more weight....go figure), moved (well, directed the move....haha) my daughter and grandiva into their own place.....and so much more. Most importantly, during the past 10 months....especially, within the past 4 months....I found peace within. I am more loving towards myself, I smile more and I can say that I am genuinely generally a happy person.

I am ready to get busy in what I refer to as my 'second act' or 'showtime phase' of life. Ready to make (more) significant life changes and experience more joy, love and fulfillment than ever before. And I am ready to share more of me and my journey (with you, my readership), on a regular basis. Please check back soon....or better yet, subscribe to get automatic update notifications....for love, laughter and life inspiring posts.  Thanks for stopping by!

Much Love,
BFly

CHANGE

As I’ve stated before, this blog started out in one direction then I decided to switch lanes. I thought it would be better…….more interesting……if my blog didn’t have a theme….if I just talked about different things & various topics.  But I didn’t take into consideration that I am very much an organized, theme-oriented person.  Whenever I contemplate hosting any kind of event, whether it’s a last-minute, friends & family gathering or a monumental occasion, I have to think of a theme for it. For me, things just flow better that way. Everyone has their own way of doing things and organizing their lives. Some people haphazardly navigate through life with no plan or half of a plan, no clear direction or particular grouping.  I can’t operate like that.  Most, not all, things have to be done in a particular order or with some semblance of uniformity.  When I go grocery shopping, all of the cold things must be bagged with similar or like products, household items with other household items, boxes & cans with other boxes & cans, etc. etc.; when I take a shower, I must begin the body cleanse with my left arm and end with a cloth-free facial wash;   When I watch TV, I prefer to sit in a particular chair or position on the bed with a drink or snack beside me (I know, that’s badbadbad); When I plan a vacation or major event (such as moving, a party, life-changing habits)  the dates & times must coincide with another date/time of some significance (i.e., beginning right after or ending right before a pay period, surrounding & including a birthday, holiday, milestone, etc. or the beginning or ending of a week, month or year).  Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying I can’t be spontaneous. That I can do and is entirely something else.  Being spontaneous usually doesn’t include doing something that involves a major expense, extended time investment or long-term commitment.  There is no planning in spontaneity so that is not what I am referring to.  I am talking about making major moves or doing something that involves quite a bit of personal commitment.  To do something like that, in a randomly fashion just. doesn’t. feel. right. to me.  That being said, I will be taking my blog in another direction.

For years, I have thought about writing an article, short story, book series, novel, screenplay…..and blog about my experiences as a girl, as a young adult, as a woman, as a Black woman, as an overweight Black woman, as an overweight Black woman who is also a mother……a lover, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, an employee, an employer, a leader, a follower, a teacher, a student, etc. etc.  Yet, I kept telling myself that ‘nobody wants to hear about that sh*t.’  Well, I’m silencing Negative Nancy and I’m going to do just what my heart has always desired. I am going to blog about, write about, talk about my life experiences and the effects they’ve had on me.  If you want to read about it, good……if you’ll read & respond, even better……if you don’t care to read about any of it, that’s fine too.  Whatever your choice, it won’t stop me from doing what I truly want to do.  So, for those who want to stay with me, please have a little patience as I work on the technical aspects of bringing my new blog to life.  In the meantime, please read, comment on & share what I’ve written thus far. Those, for whom the journey stops here, well, I thank you for coming along.  In either event...

The Buttafly Diaries will continue………

Watch Your Language

 

 

“The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit”
(Proverbs 18:21, NIV)

WORD FROM JOEL & VICTORIA

Our words have creative power. Whenever we speak something out, either good or bad, we are giving life to what we are saying. Too many people go around saying negative things about themselves, their family, and their future. Things like, “I’ll never be successful. This sickness is going to get the best of me. Business is so slow I don’t think I’m going to make it. Flu season is coming. I’ll probably get it.” They don’t realize they are prophesying their future. The Scripture says, “We will eat the fruit of our words.” That means we’re going to get exactly what we’ve been saying.

Here is the key: you’ve got to send your words out in the direction you want your life to go. You cannot talk defeat and expect to have victory. You can’t talk lack and expect to have abundance. You will produce what you’ve been saying. With your words you can either bless or curse your future. Make sure your words are what God says about you so you can move forward in the life of blessing He has in store for you. 

Speak goodness, peace, health and wealth into your life today (and always)...........enjoy your weekend!

 

 

There's A First Time For Everything

MY FIRSTS......

1. Who was your FIRST prom date? QUENTIN

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? YES

3. What was your 1st alcoholic drink? RED BULL MALT LIQUOR....anybody remember that?? lol

4. What was your FIRST job? SUMMER JOB WITH CITY OF ALBANY YOUTH PROGRAM

5. What was your FIRST car? PONTIAC GRAND AM.....THANK U TRINA! : )

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? TWIGGY

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? THE GRAN'DIVA

8. Who was your FIRST teacher? MRS. F (can't think of her full last name) @ DOWNTOWN DAY CARE CENTER

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? CALIFORNIA WHEN I WAS A TODDLER....don't remember it, but as an adult, ATL BABY!

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? SHERIDAN AVE CREW...KIM, TWIGGY & CAMILLE....INDEED WE DO!

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over? IDK...KIM'S, TWIGG'S OR CAMILLE'S

12. Who was the first person you spoke to today? MY DAUGHTER

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? MY MOTHER'S

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? USED THE BATHROOM

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? I THINK LL COOL J

16. FIRST tattoo? TIGER & NAME ON MY BACK...FIRST AND ONLY

17. First piercing? EARS

18. First foreign country you've been to? JAMAICA

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing? SOUNDER

20. When was your FIRST detention? SEVENTH GRADE, LIVINGSTON...WHERE ALL MY TROUBLES BEGAN! smh

21. What was the first state you lived in? NY

22. If you had one wish, What would it be? MY BROTHER-IN-LAW WOULD BE RELEASED FROM PRISON

23. What is something you would learn if you had the chance? HOW TO DANCE LIKE MY SISTER, NACOYIA.....LOL

24. What's the first purchase you'd make if you won $1M??  A VACATION FOR ME & THE LADIES

25. Who is the first person you'd call to share good news with?  ONE OF MY SISTERS  Bad News? ONE OF MY SISTERS

What Are Your Firsts?

STATS

Today begins my ’90-Day BFly Kickoff’ as well as, my ’40 in 40 Bday Bucket List.’ My BBL hasn’t reached 40 things yet but I’m sure it will, in due time. As of now, my list stands at 22. 

I am starting out my 90 day kickoff as an official member of Weight Watchers and my stats are as follows:

WEIGHT - 225 lbs.

ANKLES – 9.25 in.

WRISTS – 6.5 in.

THIGHS – 25 in.

BICEPS – 13.5 in.

NECK – 14.75 in.

BELLY – 48 in. (I know….whoa!)

CLOTHING SIZE - 18
SHOE SIZE - 8, 8.5

PHOTO (to be added tonight or tomorrow)

Now let me ask, how many of you would share this information with the world?  Yup, about 5….that’s what I thought! I’m not ashamed of my measurements though….this is who I am, who I built myself up to be. If I want them to be different, then it’s up to me to reshape my body and my mind, one day at a time.  I’m not afraid to share this information because it is my hope that I will help someone else who may be in the same or similar predicament.  Knowledge is power and believing in yourself is an immeasurable motivator.  Through my challenges and triumphs, I hope someone will be inspired to feel better, do better, be better!

*Progress Report #1 next Thursday