A letter to my daughter....

Dear Daughter,

     I see so much of me in you and it scares me. It scares me, because, like me, you are a fierce protector of your family & friends; family and friends that sometimes don't deserve your loyalty and protection. It scares me because, like me, you often put other people's feelings, wants and needs before your own. It scares me because, like me,  you love others freely, completely and deeply. It scares me because, like me, when it comes to men especially, you love too hard and too long.....
even when they don't love you back.

Like me, you choose men who are broken on the inside. You attract the kind of guys who need more than you are capable of giving. Instead of a partner who can improve the quality of your life, you end up with partners who bring you pain & stress. They always have a back story of which you try to make sense, try to make right, try to make over. You try to love the pain from their eyes, the ache from their hearts, the darkness from their souls. You try to love them out of a history of despair, into a future of happiness, joy and success. You try to love them into seeing themselves in your eyes. You try to love them into loving you.

STOP THAT. NOW. IT DOESN'T WORK. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. 

You see, some men are so caught up in their own despair that they really don't see you. Sure, they take notice of your beauty, might even engage in deep & meaningful conversation and they won't hesitate to make sweet love to your body. But, when it comes to establishing a genuine connection, soul to soul, heart to heart, eye to eye, you won't get it. Not necessarily because they don't want to give it to you, they just can't. They are incapable and there is nothing you can do about that.
Only they can make that change.

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

When you come along with your light, fluttering heart, bright, beautiful smile, sweet, sassy charm, high hopes & big dreams, he has no idea what to do with it. He is not ready. He has not been prepared. He is battling demons from his past or buckling under societal pressures of today or barely fighting for his future. Although you may think shining your light into his darkness will help him see his way out, the effect is often just the opposite. Your fire burns him. Your light blinds him.

YOUR BRIGHT AURA HIGHLIGHTS HIS GLOOM.

Try as you might, you cannot make someone love you. You can't charm your way into his heart. Your goodness, he cannot appreciate. Your loyalty means nothing to him. You are just one of many who try to find their worth in his unworthiness. His anger, his sadness, his misery, his loneliness, his insecurities, his incompetence, his history of abuse, violence, indifference, neglect blocks every blessing you try to bestow upon him.

YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN.

My advice to you, dear daughter, is to turn your focus inward. Give your self the love, attention, affection and care you have so abundantly given to others. Polish your own shine to diamond status, uplift your own spirit, strengthen your own resolve, enlighten your own mind and be the best friend your self ever had. When you are comfortable in your own skin, being good to your self and living your life like it's golden, it is then that your true love will appear.....in the mirror.

Dear daughter,

LOVE YOU FIRST AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

For my first post of 2016, I thought about reflecting on the struggles endured and overcome, obstacles encountered and surpassed, unfortunate circumstances I found myself in, unnecessary drama I removed myself from, love found, lost and unrequited, time spent, stolen and wasted, memories made to be forgotten or cherished forever, dreams developed and deferred and life refreshed, recharged and redirected. But why look backwards when I have so much to look forward to? I have a lot to be thankful for, grateful for and proud of. Though I won't detail every little thing, good or bad, that I experienced in 2015, I would be remiss if I didn't touch on a few VIPs (very important points) that had a significant impact on my life. 

I'm on my own. For the first time ever, I reside with my self: no children, no significant other, no relative, no friend, no roommate. Just me, myself and I. Upon signing my lease and finalizing all paperwork associated with my move, I realized it would be the first time I would live in a residence alone. At various points in my life, I lived with my parents, daughter, granddaughter, significant other, siblings, friends and grandparent. The only time I lived by myself was in college, when I had a single room for a year and a half. When I announced that I would finally be moving into my place by myself, some people speculated that I'd be lonely (and miserable, they wanted to add). They predicted I would miss having other people around regularly and that I'd probably spend a lot of nights staying with relatives and friends. I predicted I would feel free, comfortable and at peace. True, I did love having my mother right there to do all the motherly things she loves to do. I enjoyed seeing my grandmother every day, happy that, after more than 92 years, she is still here with us. I even found comfort (along with my annoyance) in having our beloved family dog, Prycee (a beautiful, loving and sometimes too playful, pit bull) in our midst. But, I longed for the peace and tranquility I knew would come with living on my own. Although it's only been a couple months, I feel the best I've ever felt. I'm enjoying the process of shaping my space into one that is cozy & inviting, adding style & flair and making it into a home.....my home.

I realized a dream. Over 10 years ago, my soul spoke to me and said, 'You need to run a group for children where they can learn important lessons, consume a hearty meal and feel love.' I contemplated whether it should be an after school program, a summer program, a weekend-only program or.....?' I finally came up with the idea of a breakfast club. I thought about how every health expert....plus, my Auntie Oprah....says breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I figured in the fact that breakfast foods and supplies are pretty affordable, flexible and appealing. I decided, in spite of the fact I am not a morning person nor do I particularly enjoy cooking, running a breakfast club would be a sure bet. It would allow me to flex my creative skills, build my culinary repertoire and give me a good reason to get my rump out of bed early in the morning. As fate would have it, a conversation with my stepmother about love (and the changes I been going through....) morphed into a discussion about our personal hopes and dreams. We both expressed a desire to run a group such as the breakfast club and, thus, a dream was set in motion. We took the necessary steps to make it legal and official then we stepped out on faith. Although it didn't quite materialize the way I envisioned it, The Breakfast Club came to fruition this past summer. We served nearly 100 breakfasts over several Saturdays. The kids who participated (and their parents) seemed to be very satisfied and thankful that our service was available. I'm looking forward to continuing and expanding this mission.

I met a guy. Well, I didn't actually just meet him. I've known him since middle school and had been 'friends' with him on social media for several years. We didn't have much contact during that time but, one day last March, he decided to reach out to me.  My first reaction, when I saw the notification I had a message from him, was, 'What the flimflamflum does he want with me?!' I automatically thought, 'Oh, here we go.....another guy trying to score from his inbox!' But, I was dead wrong and pleasantly surprised. Our initial conversation was the typical, 'How are you? What have you been up to? Why are you still single' question and answer session. We exchanged phone numbers and communicated via text for a couple weeks. After we began talking on the phone, it was like we were teenagers. Our conversations lasted for hours at a time and we talked about everything. I had never been so candid with a guy before or had one be so candid (and, dare I say, vulnerable) with me. We both admitted to feeling a 'connection;' like we had been friends forever. Due to his job, we didn't see each other in person for a couple months. By that time, we had experienced a few communicative breakdowns, mishaps,  miscommunication and disagreements. So, our first meeting started out a bit awkward and lukewarm. It was obvious we still liked each other and the attraction was still there. Yet, the connection seemed to have weakened. Nevertheless, the chemistry still crackled and we did share a few passionate moments, in a NC-17 kind of way. Since then, we have remained in contact with each other and our friendship has blossomed, albeit still not in full bloom. The ebb and flow of our relationship is sometimes frustrating, and even infuriating but, overall, it has been inspiring, motivating and alluring. I don't know what the future holds for me and him but, if our friendship ended today, I could honestly say, I'm a better woman because of it.

All of that being said, the year 2015 has been quite good to me. I ended that year with an honest assessment that I had absolutely nothing to complain about. Sure, I had trials and tribulations but none that overtook my mind, my senses or my health. I feel good, I look good and I am proud of who I am. So, this year, I plan to continue progressing as a woman, developing as a leader/teacher, learning how to be a better businesswoman, practicing being a helpmate/soulmate/partner, loving my self, cultivating my spirit, sharing my heart and being the best me I can be. I do declare 2016 as "The Year Of Me!"

All I Want For Christmas....

....is a new name.

According to the article published in The Kansas City Star, a bi-racial girl of African-American and Caucasian descent desperately wanted to change her name from Keisha to Kylie. Reportedly, she wants to change it due to the ridicule, negative remarks and bad treatment she has received, as a result of her name. Personally, she believes the name Keisha is beautiful. It's just been uncomfortable for her to carry it, as it doesn't fit her.

Keisha/Kylie's mother, who is Caucasian, said she picked out the name Keisha for her daughter before she even gave birth. In her mind, the name Keisha represented a 'strong, feminine and beautiful' black woman and she wanted her child to carry it with pride. She hoped her baby girl, that she named Keisha, would feel proud and connected to black culture. Instead, the very opposite happened. Raised in a community where it's said to have a small black population, Keisha was subject to the ignorance of those around her who made negative assumptions and dead-wrong generalizations about her name. They asked if she had a 'La' or 'Sha' as a prefix to Keisha and they assumed she was 'a certain kind of girl.' She had to change her name, she said, because, with it, she just didn't feel like herself.

Huh?

As much as our names can have an effect on how we are perceived and treated and be an indicator of what culture/racial group we belong to, it has nothing to do with how we are as a person. We are born with certain genetic markers, dispositions and characteristics but nowhere have I ever read that a certain name effects the kind of person you become or determines how you carry yourself. Names can be a source of pride or angst but it's not a source of character or state of being. People change their names for various reasons, and they have ever right to. Change your name, Keisha, but please be honest (with yourself, more than anyone else) about the reasons behind it.  

You didn't change your name because of how other people perceive it and treat you. No Keisha, you changed your name because you agree with those negative perceptions and generalizations. In the back of your mind, you think just like those who shamed, judged and belittled you. To you, the name Keisha represents the loud, ghetto, poor, unworthy, promiscuous, video-vixen wanna-be girl; it represents everything you don't want to be associated with, which boils down to (what you and the ignorant folk around you see as) 'blackness.' So you want to be Kylie. It's no wonder you chose a name such as that because it brings to mind privilege, beauty, class and all things good & white. Instead of embracing your name and showing the people around you that the name Keisha represents all the black and white goodness that you are made up of (as a friend suggested you do, according to the article), you opted to abandon the name in the hopes of abandoning the stereotype.

With your new name, you hope to be treated with respect and dignity, as you very well deserve to be. However, you're missing the part about people mistreating you due to their own issues with your being black, not what name you carry. Therein lies your real problem, Keisha/Kylie. You can never replace the black part of you. A name does not change the fact that you are and will always be (perceived and treated as) a black woman. As a black woman, sometimes you will experience discrimination, racism and prejudice. That's just a fact of your half-black life. You cannot control other people's behavior but what you can do is be the best half-black Keisha/Kylie you can be. No matter what name you choose to buy for yourself, you must make peace with, love and respect yourself, as you are, before anyone else will.