All I Want For Christmas....

....is a new name.

According to the article published in The Kansas City Star, a bi-racial girl of African-American and Caucasian descent desperately wanted to change her name from Keisha to Kylie. Reportedly, she wants to change it due to the ridicule, negative remarks and bad treatment she has received, as a result of her name. Personally, she believes the name Keisha is beautiful. It's just been uncomfortable for her to carry it, as it doesn't fit her.

Keisha/Kylie's mother, who is Caucasian, said she picked out the name Keisha for her daughter before she even gave birth. In her mind, the name Keisha represented a 'strong, feminine and beautiful' black woman and she wanted her child to carry it with pride. She hoped her baby girl, that she named Keisha, would feel proud and connected to black culture. Instead, the very opposite happened. Raised in a community where it's said to have a small black population, Keisha was subject to the ignorance of those around her who made negative assumptions and dead-wrong generalizations about her name. They asked if she had a 'La' or 'Sha' as a prefix to Keisha and they assumed she was 'a certain kind of girl.' She had to change her name, she said, because, with it, she just didn't feel like herself.

Huh?

As much as our names can have an effect on how we are perceived and treated and be an indicator of what culture/racial group we belong to, it has nothing to do with how we are as a person. We are born with certain genetic markers, dispositions and characteristics but nowhere have I ever read that a certain name effects the kind of person you become or determines how you carry yourself. Names can be a source of pride or angst but it's not a source of character or state of being. People change their names for various reasons, and they have ever right to. Change your name, Keisha, but please be honest (with yourself, more than anyone else) about the reasons behind it.  

You didn't change your name because of how other people perceive it and treat you. No Keisha, you changed your name because you agree with those negative perceptions and generalizations. In the back of your mind, you think just like those who shamed, judged and belittled you. To you, the name Keisha represents the loud, ghetto, poor, unworthy, promiscuous, video-vixen wanna-be girl; it represents everything you don't want to be associated with, which boils down to (what you and the ignorant folk around you see as) 'blackness.' So you want to be Kylie. It's no wonder you chose a name such as that because it brings to mind privilege, beauty, class and all things good & white. Instead of embracing your name and showing the people around you that the name Keisha represents all the black and white goodness that you are made up of (as a friend suggested you do, according to the article), you opted to abandon the name in the hopes of abandoning the stereotype.

With your new name, you hope to be treated with respect and dignity, as you very well deserve to be. However, you're missing the part about people mistreating you due to their own issues with your being black, not what name you carry. Therein lies your real problem, Keisha/Kylie. You can never replace the black part of you. A name does not change the fact that you are and will always be (perceived and treated as) a black woman. As a black woman, sometimes you will experience discrimination, racism and prejudice. That's just a fact of your half-black life. You cannot control other people's behavior but what you can do is be the best half-black Keisha/Kylie you can be. No matter what name you choose to buy for yourself, you must make peace with, love and respect yourself, as you are, before anyone else will.

NO FATTIES ALLOWED.....

To commemorate my 40th year on earth, I had the most awesome birthday bashcation this past December. I enjoyed 10 days of fun in the sun & wild nights with 35 of my favorite relatives & friends. With my crew of 15 (which included my mother, 2 aunts and 2 'other mothers'), I spent the first 5 days of my bashcation on a cruise from Miami to Jamaica and the Grand Cayman Islands. Then, fresh off the cruise, 7 of us headed to Miami Beach where we met up with 20 more of my birthday bashcationers. Now, it's a well-known fact that Miami is a sexy ass city full of sexy ass people who like to show off their sexy asses. But somebody, somewhere made it a rule that, in order to be considered a sexy woman in Miami, you can't be over a size 8; and to be considered 'premium,' it is preferred that you have light-skin with long hair (real or otherwise). Who told me that? Well, those words weren't exactly spoken but....well, just let me give you the back story.....

While my crew and I were in Miami, we took a walk on the strip near South Beach, to do some shopping, sight-seeing and people-watching. We also thought it would be in our best interest to get on a guest list so we wouldn't have to stand in a long line or worry about getting into a party that night. After speaking with a few party promoters, one guy (referred to as 'dude' going forth) presented us with an offer we liked the sound of. Dude proceeded to take us to his 'office' to meet with his boy (aka HNIC) to seal the deal. When we reached the destination, HNIC had his face all screwed up and basically told dude he 'ain't got nothing to do with that.' At first, we were confused and then, I thought, 'Oh this dude is playing games' and I walked away. A few of the ladies stood there for another minute then, they got HNIC's drift: I'm not giving them anything. They soon joined me and we continued on our walk. A few blocks up the street, dude came up on us and one of my friends told him, in no uncertain terms, 'Back off! We're not interested in anything else you have to say.' But dude stuck around and asked my friend to stop and speak with him for a minute. She did.

When she caught back up with us, I was shocked by what she said he told her: HNIC threw us shade because, he only deals with skinny, pretty girls (like the girls he was talking to when we walked up; now I'm no hater but uhhhh, those chicks weren't even cute. Skinny, tall, with long hair and light skin...yes but not a gorgeous one in the crew). In HNIC's opinion, our crew was not up to par. In other words, your crew is fat and busted. The friend who spoke with dude is of petite stature, has brown skin and is a gorgeous girl (often compared to the beautiful Gabrielle Union). There were a few others in the group of slim to 'normal' weight and a few plus-sized (me included) but all of us are attractive. With all of our various shades, body shapes and sizes, each and every one of us is sexy. as hell...and we know it. So we were shocked that anyone thought otherwise. We never entertained the thought that we didn't look good enough to party in Miami. Dude assured my homegirl that he's 'not like that, that's just how it is in Miami,' and he wanted to help us out. While she could've easily gotten her name on the list, my girl stuck up for the crew. She let dude know she appreciated him telling us 'how it is,' but we didn't want his help. We were good.

I'm not gonna lie though, my chocolate, plus-sized, beautiful, sexy ass feelings were hurt; and I was ready to cuss HNIC out. Who the f*#k did he think he was?! He wasn't all that attractive his damn self! I thought about it for the rest of my bashcation and some days, since. You might be saying, 'Girl please, don't let that mess rent space in your mind,' but it's not just about that guy or that experience. It's something I've experienced, directly and indirectly, numerous times. Being overlooked in stores, disregarded and disrespected by family & friends (people have no problem speaking ill of fat people in my presence), mistreated by men, etc. etc. While I can honesty say, I feel beautiful in my chocolate skin, I cannot lie and say I feel good about my plus-sized body. I know I have a beautiful face and a beautiful spirit but when it comes to loving my body, I have good days and bad ones. I know my shape/weight is something I can control and change but, that doesn't lessen the sting of being subjected to people/situations such as that in Miami. Despite having negative thoughts regarding my weight, overall, I'm a gorgeous woman; and on most days, you can't tell my size 16 behind nothin'! Not only do I look good, but I am desirable and, most importantly, I am worthy (of South Beach's clubs and any other place). Somebody in Miami got it twisted!

The Darker The Berry.....

DISCLAIMER: I agree that the spirit of a person has an effect on their overall beauty, but for the purpose of this post, I am talking strictly about physical attractiveness.

Over the past few days, I've gone back and forth with myself over whether I wanted to blog about (my thoughts regarding) the documentary, 'DARK GIRLS.' I knew it would be covered by many bloggers and media outlets and, really, I didn't want to be 'just another blogger' talking about the latest hot topic. Yet, here I am; not as 'just another blogger' though, rehashing what was said and providing my opinion about the work itself. I'm writing about my feelings, as a dark-skinned black woman who is proud of my chocolate hue. A chocolate woman, who, in spite of being able to relate to many of the negative experiences described in the documentary, loves having this complexion and has no lingering insecurities due to it.

For me, being dark-skinned has been more of a positive thing than not. Sure, I was called 'blackie,' 'tar baby,' "black dog' and such, as a child, by other children; and yes, I did feel slighted by some boys in favor of my lighter-skinned counterparts. A man once told me I am one of the few (yeah, he said few y'all!) pretty dark-skinned women that he knows. Pretty don't usually come in dark skin, he said.....and, he challenged me with, 'If you don't agree, then go ahead, name some pretty dark-skinned women you know?!'.... and he was dead serious. He also remarked how "all his baby mammas' were hot because they are light-skinned with pretty long hair....and he was dead serious. Unfortunately, remarks such as his are nothing new to me. I can't count how many times I've heard backhanded compliments, such as, 'You are so pretty to be dark-skinned' or 'That's a fine dark-skinned man/woman.' To be fair, I don't think most people intend to be insulting. They really think they are being complimentary (ignorant asses) and, most times, they are not 'checked' on it so they continue to do it. Still, I don't feel 'scarred' by those experiences. My mind tends to reflect more on the positive things I've heard regarding my complexion (I love being referred to as 'chocolatey'), and as a result, I LOVE THE DARK BROWN SKIN I'M IN. I don't feel inferior to the light-skinned woman standing next to me nor do I believe her complexion alone will gain her any wins over me, when it comes to the attention of a man, appointment of a job, etc. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not blind to the fact that there are men who prefer light-skinned women over brown/darker skinned women and I'm well aware that there are (still!) those who believe light-skinned people inherently are/look/feel better than a brown/dark one. However, those people can't change the way I see or feel about my pretty brown skin.

Yes, beauty is subjective and, therefore, not everyone will agree with what I see. Sure, there may be some people who look at me and say, 'She's cute' or 'she's aight' or even, 'she's ugly.' Yet, that matters not because, in my (not so humble) opinion, my being beautiful is a fact that NOBODY can take away from me....chocolate skin and all.

Conversely, I've heard people say things like, 'Dammnnn, she/he's not even cute and they're light-skinned!' As if it's unbelievable or unheard of for a light-skinned person to be unattractive. Or, 'Ahhh, he/she thinks they're fine/all that/better than somebody!' just because they're light skinned. No No Nooooooooooo people!!! Reverse discrimination is not right, either. Take the saying, 'The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice' - it sounds good but really, what are we saying we sing that phrase? In essence, we're saying our lighter skinned counterparts are not (as) sweet....or good. And that is simply not true. Sweet berries, good things and beautiful people come in/from all shades & complexions. Some of the most beautiful people I know range from light bright to dark as night, as well as the ugliest. Y'all know it's true....so please, act like you know (and stop being so damn ignorant)!

(Press) IGNORE.....

Being morbidly obese overweight carries a certain stigma that is socially accepted by everyone the majority. Seemingly, if you are fat, you are a candidate for the death penalty unworthy and undeserving of real love, positive attention, good job, great friends, pretty clothes, shoes, wonderful gifts, etc.  And don't you even think about simple things like Respect and Consideration.  All of the things 'normal' people expect, strive for and receive are not 'for you, Fatty.'  

I went into a Best Buy store, some months ago, looking for cables that would allow me to connect my laptop to my television.  I had no idea what I needed so, after looking at what seemed like hundreds of different kinds cords and wires, I looked around for a sales associate.  A couple guys walked by but seemed to be helping other customers at the time.  So, I waited a few more minutes.  Then I began to realize that, yes they were helping other customers but other customers who had arrived after me!!  I was finally able to get the attention of one of the associates, who, after barely listening to what I needed help with, told me he'd 'be right back.'  Well, folks, I waited....and patiently waited.....and frickin waited some more.  After a good 15-20 minutes (yes I really did wait that long....or seemed to anyway), I went looking for someone else.  I finally found someone who did help me but even so, I left the store feeling......really bad.

Not bad as in, 'Oh, I'm such a worthless piece of fat crap,' but bad in the 'Damn, it's really like thaaaaaaaat???' kind of way.  I probably should have reported this guy.....but the truth is, it wasn't the first time I got the 'Fat Girl Ignore' and it wouldn't be the last.  And what was I gonna say anyway, 'Hey that guy blew me off because I'm fat?'  Sure, I could've said, 'I asked him for assistance and he left me hanging in the aisle,' but his response most likely would've been something along the lines of, 'I was busy helping another customer, ' or 'I got caught up in something else and forgot,' or 'I DID come back and couldn't find her,' blah blah blah.  Something tells me, had I gone to a manager to complain, they would have laughed about it after I left.

Have you ever been overtly discriminated against (in a store, at work, at the doctor's office, etc.) because of your weight?  If so, how did you handle it?  Do you think I should have done something different in that scenario?