BODY TALK: an apology

originally written  2012, updated October 2015

Many of us have hurt or wronged other people and usually, our conscience leads us to want to right our wrongs and make the promise to never exhibit the hurtful behavior again. But how many of us apologize to ourselves for the pain we cause to our own minds, bodies and souls? As I walked around the track one morning, I realized I owe myself an apology. More specifically, I owe my body an apology. Every step I took, in trying to complete my 2 miles, reminded me of how wrong I’ve treated my body over the years.

I robbed her of her privacy, her innocence, her stability and security. I have misused and abused her. Neglectful habits, such as gluttonous eating & drinking, irresponsible sexcapades and ignored medical maintenance/treatment have led to my body’s constant aches, fight with illness and unsightly areas. While walking, I could feel the effects of the alcoholic beverages I downed the night before. I don’t have a hangover, per se, but my pace is significantly slower than the last trek I took around the track. My back has been aching since 2001, when the pounds really started to pile on. I remember vowing to never reach the 200 mark on the scale or have to shop in ‘fat lady’ stores. Now, seeing the plus-size shops/sections provide relief and being 200lbs would mean a significant achievement has been earned.

Walking these 2 miles may not sound like much to most, but my shins, calves and ankles burn from this activity. It hurts, not because it’s rigorous but because of so many years of inactivity. In addition to causing aches and pains, my weight has forced different parts of my body to change in ways that are not only ‘unpretty’ but very uncomfortable to carry. It all seemed to happen suddenly but I know it was a gradual change that I didn't pay attention to; that is, until I had no choice but to acknowledge what I felt and saw in the mirror. One day, in particular, I was served up a startling reality, when my belly met my thighs. I had never felt as disgusted with myself as I did at the moment, while ascending a flight of stairs, I felt the skin of my belly touch the top of my thighs. Even a previous reading of my weight at 245 lbs. did not give me the idea that I was THAT big. But, that meeting of the flesh told me I was way out of control with the mistreatment of myself and the temple that carried me along. It prompted me to get real and get serious about my body maintenance; to get my mind right and get my fat ass off of the couch and put it in motion. But first, I want to express my sincere apology to my body:

Body. Girl I am so sorry for all the stress I’ve put you through. So sorry for those nights of careless drinking that caused your stomach to heave with no mercy and your throat to burn with the acids of rebellion. I’m sorry for allowing your skin to be touched by undeserving, uncaring and unworthy men. I apologize for all the lies I let slide just to feel the glide of some man’s penis in your vagina, anticipating a climactic experience that rarely came. It’s a shame how I laid you down and opened you up to so much pain and discomfort through immature pregnancy, abortion and miscarriage. I can’t believe how blind I was to the amount of damage I was causing, time after time, by allowing you to be slapped, kicked, punched and even spit on. I’m sorry for all the days I laid up on the couch or buried myself underneath my bed blankets, feeling sorry for myself. I apologize for depriving you of much needed rest & rejuvenation by staying up late at night, eyes burning from hours of exposure to the glare of the TV screen and gallons of searing tears. I tried to ease the hurt and soothe the pain by eating & drinking, drinking & sexing and eating some more. They never helped….and what a toll those things took on you!


As the pain in my back, creaks of my knees and weakness in my ankles worsen, the message becomes louder and clearer. I know you tried to warn me with subtle messages, like a rounder face, plump belly, chubby arms and chunky thighs, but I didn’t listen. When the contour of my behind went from shapely to shapeless, I didn’t stop. When my feet went from a size 7.5 to 8.5, I didn’t stop. When my wardrobe went from young, fly & sassy to old, big & frumpy, I didn’t stop. Even when my romantic life went from promising to broken promises, I did not stop. Then, you threatened me with palpitations in my heart, blurring of my vision, shortness of breath, sleepless nights and even diagnoses of depression and diabetes. And still, I did not stop. 

But things have changed. I hear you now. I am listening. I see you. I feel you. I hope you appreciate the strides I have made, thus far. Although I am still carrying a substantial amount of extra weight, I've gone from a size 20 to a 14/16 or XL and can now shop in 'regular' stores/departments. You look considerably different, most notably in the face and waist areas. We are still a work in progress but we are looking, feeling and doing much better today than we were yesterday. Body, girl, you have been with me, every step of the way and though you’ve had your moments of weakness, you have remained pretty damn strong. You’ve held it together well, under the tremendous amount of pressure, stress, pain and strain I’ve allowed into our lives. For that, I am grateful. Because of it, I am hopeful. Your strength encourages me. I pray that you will accept my apology and remain strong so that, together, we can rebuild our lives, one step at a time.

Body, I apologize.

NO FATTIES ALLOWED.....

To commemorate my 40th year on earth, I had the most awesome birthday bashcation this past December. I enjoyed 10 days of fun in the sun & wild nights with 35 of my favorite relatives & friends. With my crew of 15 (which included my mother, 2 aunts and 2 'other mothers'), I spent the first 5 days of my bashcation on a cruise from Miami to Jamaica and the Grand Cayman Islands. Then, fresh off the cruise, 7 of us headed to Miami Beach where we met up with 20 more of my birthday bashcationers. Now, it's a well-known fact that Miami is a sexy ass city full of sexy ass people who like to show off their sexy asses. But somebody, somewhere made it a rule that, in order to be considered a sexy woman in Miami, you can't be over a size 8; and to be considered 'premium,' it is preferred that you have light-skin with long hair (real or otherwise). Who told me that? Well, those words weren't exactly spoken but....well, just let me give you the back story.....

While my crew and I were in Miami, we took a walk on the strip near South Beach, to do some shopping, sight-seeing and people-watching. We also thought it would be in our best interest to get on a guest list so we wouldn't have to stand in a long line or worry about getting into a party that night. After speaking with a few party promoters, one guy (referred to as 'dude' going forth) presented us with an offer we liked the sound of. Dude proceeded to take us to his 'office' to meet with his boy (aka HNIC) to seal the deal. When we reached the destination, HNIC had his face all screwed up and basically told dude he 'ain't got nothing to do with that.' At first, we were confused and then, I thought, 'Oh this dude is playing games' and I walked away. A few of the ladies stood there for another minute then, they got HNIC's drift: I'm not giving them anything. They soon joined me and we continued on our walk. A few blocks up the street, dude came up on us and one of my friends told him, in no uncertain terms, 'Back off! We're not interested in anything else you have to say.' But dude stuck around and asked my friend to stop and speak with him for a minute. She did.

When she caught back up with us, I was shocked by what she said he told her: HNIC threw us shade because, he only deals with skinny, pretty girls (like the girls he was talking to when we walked up; now I'm no hater but uhhhh, those chicks weren't even cute. Skinny, tall, with long hair and light skin...yes but not a gorgeous one in the crew). In HNIC's opinion, our crew was not up to par. In other words, your crew is fat and busted. The friend who spoke with dude is of petite stature, has brown skin and is a gorgeous girl (often compared to the beautiful Gabrielle Union). There were a few others in the group of slim to 'normal' weight and a few plus-sized (me included) but all of us are attractive. With all of our various shades, body shapes and sizes, each and every one of us is sexy. as hell...and we know it. So we were shocked that anyone thought otherwise. We never entertained the thought that we didn't look good enough to party in Miami. Dude assured my homegirl that he's 'not like that, that's just how it is in Miami,' and he wanted to help us out. While she could've easily gotten her name on the list, my girl stuck up for the crew. She let dude know she appreciated him telling us 'how it is,' but we didn't want his help. We were good.

I'm not gonna lie though, my chocolate, plus-sized, beautiful, sexy ass feelings were hurt; and I was ready to cuss HNIC out. Who the f*#k did he think he was?! He wasn't all that attractive his damn self! I thought about it for the rest of my bashcation and some days, since. You might be saying, 'Girl please, don't let that mess rent space in your mind,' but it's not just about that guy or that experience. It's something I've experienced, directly and indirectly, numerous times. Being overlooked in stores, disregarded and disrespected by family & friends (people have no problem speaking ill of fat people in my presence), mistreated by men, etc. etc. While I can honesty say, I feel beautiful in my chocolate skin, I cannot lie and say I feel good about my plus-sized body. I know I have a beautiful face and a beautiful spirit but when it comes to loving my body, I have good days and bad ones. I know my shape/weight is something I can control and change but, that doesn't lessen the sting of being subjected to people/situations such as that in Miami. Despite having negative thoughts regarding my weight, overall, I'm a gorgeous woman; and on most days, you can't tell my size 16 behind nothin'! Not only do I look good, but I am desirable and, most importantly, I am worthy (of South Beach's clubs and any other place). Somebody in Miami got it twisted!

Insanity or Resolve?

 

 

As most people (who know me) know, I’ve been battling the bulge for many years. I started out needing to lose 10-15 lbs after giving birth to my daughter and now, I’m on a mission to lose 75. Yeah…..WHOA…..what a difference! Pre-pregnancy, I weighed 134 lbs.  Post-delivery, I weighed 150. Three years later, I went away to college weighing 160 lbs.; at the end of  2 yrs., I came home weighing 180 lbs. From that point, my weight gradually increased: reaching a one-time, short-lived high of 250, hovering around the 237-240 range for a good 10 years and now hanging at 226 lbs. A few times during my battle, I did lose a significant amount of weight only to gain it all back plus some. You may have heard it before and I am here to attest to its truthfulness, if your mind ain’t right, your body won’t be either. Trying to lose weight without dealing with the mental/emotional component of why you are the size you are is a waste of time. You may make some progress but it won’t be sustained permanently. Let me give you an example of how your mental status affects your physical stature: About 15 years ago, I decided I was going to lose weight once and for all. I weighed around 190 lbs at the time. I suppressed my appetite with a pill and walked my way to 155 lbs. I don’t remember how long it took for me to lose the weight but I know I maintained the loss for, at least, the entire summer. At the time, although I knew I looked great, I was still bigger than what I wanted to be and the biggest of most of my sisters and friends. Mentally, I was a big fat whale. The way I felt in my body then is the same way I feel in it now: smothered & hidden. The way I look at myself in pictures now is the same way I looked at myself in pictures then: way too big. I thought I was huge then, but I’d give almost anything to be 155 lbs. now. When I look back at those pictures today, I say to myself & aloud, ‘Damn, I looked good!’  At the time, though, I was constantly being told by a certain someone that I did NOT look good…..and I internalized that and believed it (shaking my head @ the memory....woosaahh!). Unfortunately, due to the unrealistic method I used (taking pills) coupled with my mental state, I quickly gained back the 35 pounds I had lost and gradually, an additional 50+.  

 

During the time I gained the bulk of my weight, I was dealing with a devastating breakup and had involved myself in a series of placating ‘relationships’ with guys that, in the end, only magnified the pain I was already feeling. In addition to that, I never liked to cook and my skills were (are) limited so my daughter and I ate out A LOT. Fast food became my steady companion…..and has been ever since. Over the years, I’ve used powders, shakes and pills to lose weight more times than I care to count and I have no desire to try any of those again. However, there is one program that I’ve tried before and was the only regimen that worked for me. Weight Watchers, an effective and affordable weight-loss program, has helped millions of people (including me) lose weight. How did it work for me if I’m still overweight, you’re wondering?  Well, it’s a wonderful program for those who are serious about losing weight and getting healthy. But, it (or anything else) can’t work for you if you’re not willing to work for you in partnership with it. It’s no ‘get-slim-quick’ scheme and is ideal for individuals who aim for a lifestyle change, not a temporary metamorphosis (although it will do that for you, too). It uses a points system that allows users to monitor food/caloric intake and provides guidelines on not only the amount of food you eat, but the nutritional value of the foods as well. It also has a component that tracks exercise and activity levels.  I don’t view WW as a ‘diet program’ because it’s not something that can only be used temporarily. With WW, you can achieve your weight-loss goals and maintain them for life.  There are no pills and shakes involved that are unrealistic to a permanent lifestyle change.  On WW, you can eat regular foods, including those that are beneficial to your health and those that are bad for your health (albeit, at your own risk).  There are point values for almost any food you can think of.  So, you can keep track of how much ‘bad stuff’ you put into your body, along with the ‘good stuff.’  When I was on WW for a respectable amount of time (approx. 4 months), I did lose weight and, for a short while, I maintained it. However, as soon as I went back to my old, unhealthy ways, the pounds came back and they brought a few friends with them. I was so mad at myself for letting that happen because I wasn’t hungry while on the program and I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything.  As per my usual routine, though, I let my emotions get the best of me; and when that happens, I call on my trusty comforters: fast, greasy, creamy, fried foods. In no time, I was back to feeling sorry, tired and plain ole miserable. And being in that space is no fun, no matter how many smiles one manages to put on. So, I’ve decided to try WW again!

 

I know, I know…the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results. People, I’m not insane, trust me. Through all my trials & error, I have learned a thing or few. As I already stated, I know my weight problem will not go away if I don’t address and resolve any emotional/mental state issues I have going on. I’ve been making progress, little by little, day by day, in handling some things that I’ve let fester & crust over. I still have work to do but I am at a place where I am handling things in a manner more conducive to a healthier state of being. I am confident that now is my time to shed the fat suit and reveal the gorgeous, fit gal within. She is tired of playing the back, second fiddle, angel in disguise. She is ready for the world….and it’s either now or never. I know what’s going through your heads: Sunshine Anderson’s, ‘Heard it all befooorrrrrre……..’ You want to know what’s different today than, say, a year ago? Me. I’m different today…..in so many ways. Ways that I won’t get into specifically but suffice it to say, I value myself much more than I ever have. I know what gifts I bring to those around me, I’m aware of my purpose in life and, more than anything, I truly believe I am worthy to live a better (quality) life. Besides, nothing beats resolve. I have (to use a recently stumbled upon quote) made up my mind in a way that totally says, ‘I will not have to do this again.’

 

Starting tomorrow, I will be a member of Weight Watchers. Every week, for the next 90 days, I will post a Progress Report, detailing my food and exercise activities and any changes to my body weight/shape/size (in photo form). When the 90 days are up, I hope I am in a place where I can run this race without having to pay for WW or any other weight-loss program.  However, right now, I do need the support WW (and hopefully some of you) will bring. I welcome all feedback and constructive criticism. Even better, I welcome you to join me in my weight-loss efforts if you’re fighting the fat too.  Either way, please, do weigh in………….

 

*Disclaimer: I am not a spokesperson or paid advocate for Weight Watchers. I am simply expressing my personal feelings about the program. Hopefully, it may be of help to others who also struggle with their weight/health.

 

 

BFly's Black Herstory Month: 'Sugar, Sugar'

 

What is SUGAR?  Well, it depends on who you ask and in what content it is used.

1. SUGAR (as described by Wikipedia) ‘is a class of edible crystalline carbohydrates, mainly sucrose, lactose, and fructose,^[1] characterized by a sweet flavor.’ 
2. SUGAR is another word for kiss.  (example, ‘C’mere baby, give Grandma some sugar.’)
3. SUGAR is used as a name/nickname.
4. SUGAR is a word often used by African Americans to describe the deadly disease, Diabetes.

According to the African American Community Health Advisory Committee, diabetes is the fourth-leading cause of death by disease among African-Americans and is the leading cause of blindness, kidney failure and amputation. While diabetes affects nearly 3 million African- Americans — half of those with the disease don't know it. Diabetes is a disease in which the body does not produce or properly use insulin, a hormone that is needed to convert sugar, starches and other food into energy needed for daily life. Contrary to popular belief, diabetes is NOT caused by eating sweets or the wrong kinds of food. The exact cause of diabetes is unknown but, increasing age, genetics and environmental factors such as obesity and lack of exercise appear to play roles.  Diabetes is a killing disease but it may be controlled, according to James R. Gavin III, MD, chair of the American Diabetes Association's African-American Program. "By keeping fit, eating right and getting regular exercise, we can decrease our risk for diabetes quite substantially," he said. "This is a disease about which we can do a great deal, but only when those affected are informed and empowered to take the kind of control of this disease that is now possible.”

On December 6, 2010, I was diagnosed with diabetes; that was a serious reality check.  I mean, of course I knew beforehand that my health was at risk due to my weight, poor eating habits & physical inactivity. I knew something was wrong within my body because I felt it. I was also aware of some of the symptoms for diabetes (which include: Frequent urination, Unusual thirst, Extreme hunger, Unusual weight loss. Extreme fatigue, Irritability, Frequent infections, Blurred vision, Cuts/bruises that are slow to heal, Tingling/numbness in the hands/feet, and Recurring skin, gum, or bladder infections) and had been feeling a few of them. Still, when the words were spoken, I felt like I had been slapped in the face. ‘Ms. Tarver, your blood work shows that you have diabetes.’ Tears immediately stung my eyes. I shook my head in disbelief; not at the diagnosis but at myself for letting my health go to that degree.  Also, it hurt to get that kind of news on my damn birthday. What a way to start off my new year. ‘I knew it, I knew it,’ I said.  I told my doctor how I had been feeling ‘off’ lately and that I suspected my health was at risk.  ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘so I need you to get more blood work done and you really need to focus on losing weight and eating for your health. In the meantime, I am going to prescribe a medication to help you get your blood glucose levels under control.’ Wow,  I thought to myself, not only is my health compromised but I have to be on a daily medication? How the hell did I get here?! I was in a state of shock when I left the doctor’s office. I knew diabetes was a serious condition and I had to find a way get it under control…..or else.

As with a lot of African American families, diabetes is a part of my genetic history.  My paternal grandparents, my father and some of his siblings live with (or died from) from it and now, I have it. I decided, right then and there, to stop playing with my health and taking my life for granted. I researched more information about diabetes and discovered that it could affect the body in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. When glucose builds up in the blood instead of going into cells, it can lead to diabetes complications, such as hearing loss, dental problems, eye, foot and skin complications, high blood pressure and mental health issues (just to name a few). Upon learning this, other things that I had been feeling within my body began to make sense. I had to face some harsh realities; but, sadly, it didn’t serve as the thing to push me towards a permanent lifestyle change. It’s been over a year since my diagnosis and my health is pretty much in the same state, if not worse. I know and have heard about many people who have lost body parts, bodily functions and their lives due to non-treatment of their diabetes. Unfortunately, so many people choose to ignore the signs or medical advice. They neglect to take their medications, opt to continue eating poorly and they never make the time or effort to exercise. This is particularly sad because, although diabetes can be deadly, it can also be treated effectively and be reversed. By eating more healthy foods, exercising for at least 30 minutes per day and losing weight (sometimes just 10-15 lbs can do the trick), one can actually rid their body of the disease. So why haven’t I done that for myself thus far?  Hmmmmmmmmmm……….good question.