BODY TALK: an apology

originally written  2012, updated October 2015

Many of us have hurt or wronged other people and usually, our conscience leads us to want to right our wrongs and make the promise to never exhibit the hurtful behavior again. But how many of us apologize to ourselves for the pain we cause to our own minds, bodies and souls? As I walked around the track one morning, I realized I owe myself an apology. More specifically, I owe my body an apology. Every step I took, in trying to complete my 2 miles, reminded me of how wrong I’ve treated my body over the years.

I robbed her of her privacy, her innocence, her stability and security. I have misused and abused her. Neglectful habits, such as gluttonous eating & drinking, irresponsible sexcapades and ignored medical maintenance/treatment have led to my body’s constant aches, fight with illness and unsightly areas. While walking, I could feel the effects of the alcoholic beverages I downed the night before. I don’t have a hangover, per se, but my pace is significantly slower than the last trek I took around the track. My back has been aching since 2001, when the pounds really started to pile on. I remember vowing to never reach the 200 mark on the scale or have to shop in ‘fat lady’ stores. Now, seeing the plus-size shops/sections provide relief and being 200lbs would mean a significant achievement has been earned.

Walking these 2 miles may not sound like much to most, but my shins, calves and ankles burn from this activity. It hurts, not because it’s rigorous but because of so many years of inactivity. In addition to causing aches and pains, my weight has forced different parts of my body to change in ways that are not only ‘unpretty’ but very uncomfortable to carry. It all seemed to happen suddenly but I know it was a gradual change that I didn't pay attention to; that is, until I had no choice but to acknowledge what I felt and saw in the mirror. One day, in particular, I was served up a startling reality, when my belly met my thighs. I had never felt as disgusted with myself as I did at the moment, while ascending a flight of stairs, I felt the skin of my belly touch the top of my thighs. Even a previous reading of my weight at 245 lbs. did not give me the idea that I was THAT big. But, that meeting of the flesh told me I was way out of control with the mistreatment of myself and the temple that carried me along. It prompted me to get real and get serious about my body maintenance; to get my mind right and get my fat ass off of the couch and put it in motion. But first, I want to express my sincere apology to my body:

Body. Girl I am so sorry for all the stress I’ve put you through. So sorry for those nights of careless drinking that caused your stomach to heave with no mercy and your throat to burn with the acids of rebellion. I’m sorry for allowing your skin to be touched by undeserving, uncaring and unworthy men. I apologize for all the lies I let slide just to feel the glide of some man’s penis in your vagina, anticipating a climactic experience that rarely came. It’s a shame how I laid you down and opened you up to so much pain and discomfort through immature pregnancy, abortion and miscarriage. I can’t believe how blind I was to the amount of damage I was causing, time after time, by allowing you to be slapped, kicked, punched and even spit on. I’m sorry for all the days I laid up on the couch or buried myself underneath my bed blankets, feeling sorry for myself. I apologize for depriving you of much needed rest & rejuvenation by staying up late at night, eyes burning from hours of exposure to the glare of the TV screen and gallons of searing tears. I tried to ease the hurt and soothe the pain by eating & drinking, drinking & sexing and eating some more. They never helped….and what a toll those things took on you!


As the pain in my back, creaks of my knees and weakness in my ankles worsen, the message becomes louder and clearer. I know you tried to warn me with subtle messages, like a rounder face, plump belly, chubby arms and chunky thighs, but I didn’t listen. When the contour of my behind went from shapely to shapeless, I didn’t stop. When my feet went from a size 7.5 to 8.5, I didn’t stop. When my wardrobe went from young, fly & sassy to old, big & frumpy, I didn’t stop. Even when my romantic life went from promising to broken promises, I did not stop. Then, you threatened me with palpitations in my heart, blurring of my vision, shortness of breath, sleepless nights and even diagnoses of depression and diabetes. And still, I did not stop. 

But things have changed. I hear you now. I am listening. I see you. I feel you. I hope you appreciate the strides I have made, thus far. Although I am still carrying a substantial amount of extra weight, I've gone from a size 20 to a 14/16 or XL and can now shop in 'regular' stores/departments. You look considerably different, most notably in the face and waist areas. We are still a work in progress but we are looking, feeling and doing much better today than we were yesterday. Body, girl, you have been with me, every step of the way and though you’ve had your moments of weakness, you have remained pretty damn strong. You’ve held it together well, under the tremendous amount of pressure, stress, pain and strain I’ve allowed into our lives. For that, I am grateful. Because of it, I am hopeful. Your strength encourages me. I pray that you will accept my apology and remain strong so that, together, we can rebuild our lives, one step at a time.

Body, I apologize.

I'm Baaacccckkkk (again)!

It has been 10 months since my last post....WOW. I've had plenty to write about since August 8, 2012....and I thought about posting many times....but, for some reason, I just haven't been able (willing?) to collect my thoughts, feelings & opinions and share them. As I type, I have no idea what I will talk about in this post. Really, I just wanted to take a peek at the blog and refresh my memory of what I had last written. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop at just one post. I kept reading and slowly but surely, an energy rose up in me that made me realize....THIS is what makes me feel (good, sad, refreshed, renewed, redundant, alive...and much more)....this is what I need to do more often.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Depending on my mood & experience, spontaneously, a poem will flow through me or I'll get bursts of short stories, whispers of book titles, streams of novel ideas (as in book, not new....well, new too but, you get what I mean)...and I feel relief....a  release. Just like the flow of energy.....ideas come to me and almost as quickly, they go. I need to devote more time to documenting these things as often as they occur. I know I've missed out on the next, Oprah's Book Club pick great american novel simply because I felt too busy....lazy....tired....defeated to put pen to paper (or finger to tablet). However, when I do jot down my poetry, stories, thoughts, etc, I find that I am 'in my zone.' I feel more like 'me.'

I've been doing that a great deal lately, too.....feeling (more like) myself. Alot has happened in my life, since my last post: I helped send my nephew (who I refer to as my sonneph) to college, I turned 40 and celebrated in a big way with some of the most special people in my life, I fell into (and victoriously got up out of) a deep depression, I let go of an old (depressing) 'love' and (was) found (by) a new love....then lost that love (*huge sigh*), began then quickly quit (but still had to pay for) a great semi-personal training program (*wtf Bfly?!*), dropped a size (but not really that much more weight....go figure), moved (well, directed the move....haha) my daughter and grandiva into their own place.....and so much more. Most importantly, during the past 10 months....especially, within the past 4 months....I found peace within. I am more loving towards myself, I smile more and I can say that I am genuinely generally a happy person.

I am ready to get busy in what I refer to as my 'second act' or 'showtime phase' of life. Ready to make (more) significant life changes and experience more joy, love and fulfillment than ever before. And I am ready to share more of me and my journey (with you, my readership), on a regular basis. Please check back soon....or better yet, subscribe to get automatic update notifications....for love, laughter and life inspiring posts.  Thanks for stopping by!

Much Love,
BFly

PASSION

pas·sion·ate  (p sh -n t) adj.

 

1. Capable of, having, or dominated by powerful emotions: a family of passionate personalities.

2. Wrathful by temperament; choleric.

3. Marked by strong sexual desire; amorous or lustful.

4. Showing or expressing strong emotion; ardent: a passionate speech against injustice.

5. Arising from or marked by passion: a teacher who is passionate about her subject.

 

 

My family. Reading. Writing. These are a few things that I am passionate about.  I come from a HUGE family with ties that bind us together in a formidable way.  We were raised to be there for one another, no matter what and, despite the many problems a big family brings, I’d say we do a good job at doing just that.  In addition to a great love for my family, I also have a voracious appetite for reading.  My closest relatives and friends will attest to the fact that I will read just about anything, anywhere at anytime.  I’ve learned so much about life, different people and various cultures through reading. From a ‘boring’ medical publication to a fuzzy little children’s book to an all-night-read Oprah Book Club pick, I will find something interesting about somebody’s written words. While in college, I discovered I had (or developed?) a talent for writing. I really liked English class and having a fun, engaging and encouraging professor only made it better.  One of our requirements was to keep a journal filled with random, personal writing, as well as some entries based on an assigned topic. Through this exercise, writing became my preferred outlet to deal with emotions that I didn’t care, or wasn’t able, to share with anyone.  Journal writing turned into poetry as I dealt with a particularly difficult situation within my relationship at the time.  I don’t think I sat down with the intention of writing a poem, the words just came to me.  When I read it to my friends, they said, ‘YOU wrote that?!’  I was like, ‘Uhh, yeeeaahhh,’ not thinking it was all that good.  At best, I thought it entertaining and would be something I’d look back and probably laugh about.  But, thanks to my girls, that poem was the first of many as they nurtured that seed with much support and encouragement.  Throughout the years since, I’ve written numerous poems, short stories and even have a few novels in the works (currently ‘on ice’ but that’s a whole ‘nother story). 

 

Not long after I was home from college, a poetry movement began in my area.  I attended a show one night and instantly felt inspired to share my work, as well.  I mustered up the courage to eventually go on stage and publish some of my poems in local news & magazine publications.  I received nothing but positive feedback which, of course, led me to want to write……and share…..more.  I started to take myself a little more seriously and I worked on improving my skills.  As with most writers, my motivation for writing ebbs and flows.  Inspiration comes from many things and shows up at any time (for me, mostly during times when I should be working or sleeping), but sometimes it doesn’t show up at all. In recent years, my writing hasn’t been frequent and though I’ve been invited to perform at many shows, I haven’t felt the desire to partake.  That is, until tonight.

 

Tonight is sure to be a night filled with passion as I grace the stage, and other talented poets, singers and musicians take the stage, at a spoken word showcase in my hometown.  The show, ‘A Love Jones Open Mic Extravaganza’ is being hosted by a group of awesome spoken word artists called The Collective.  They are serious about their craft and they are eager to put on a great show.  I can’t wait to see them perform. As for me, it’s been a long time since I’ve shared my poetry onstage and though I’m not a virgin to the mic, I’m nervous like it’s my first time.  I’m excited too, though. I’ll be in great company, with my family and friends in attendance, as well as the other artists (who have respect for me and my work) but I know they’re expecting great things from me.  The poems I have planned for tonight are pretty good, if I must say so myself.  Whether or not I will meet everyone’s expectations is yet to be seen; and though just getting up there will be good enough for me, I hope I can deliver for them.   Wish me luck!  J

 

Focus Man!

When I first started this blog, I made a few posts regarding my weight, my 'relationship' at the time and a few other things that were on my mind.  I had less than 5 entries and I didn't post again for some months (closer to a year, I believe). I then came back to it and decided to make this a blog strictly about weight, thinking, if I put my business 'out there' I will be more inclined to 'handle my business.'  So I deleted the first few posts and started anew.  Now, I wish I hadn't done that.  


I had (have?) a bad habit of getting rid of (or ignoring) things that may be too uncomfortable for me to face or think about. Then, when I get through the hardest part, I always wish I could look that thing (or person) in the face and say, 'See?  You didn't hold me back/down forever.'  Like with my diaries/journals from many years ago. I've kept the ones that date back to 1999/2000 but anything before that has been destroyed. Why? Because there were some things I just wanted to forget about or never wanted to be discovered by anyone else. Now, I wish I could go back and read them, just to be reminded of how much I've grown as a person. Of course, I know what I've been through and how much I've changed, without having a directory about each experience, but it would be nice to have a more detailed perspective.


Anyway, I've (finally) decided not to streamline the Buttafly Diaries. Instead, I will keep my blog all-inclusive; open to various subjects and potential conversation pieces. There will be times when I'll want to talk about my big thighs, and others when I'll want to talk about my sister's big mouth. Sometimes I'll feel the need to brag about my gran'diva and other times, I'll need to virtually scream complain about my Big Brat (aka 21 year old daughter). Through my blog, I want to talk about some of the big moments along with smaller ones, my personal experiences as well as, what's going on in other people's lives the world. I will still share my weight loss journey, in great detail, because I'm hoping it will serve as a guide (of what or what not to do), learning tool or source of inspiration/motivation for someone else. But I won't alienate bore those who are not interested in that part of my life experience. 

I hope my audience will grow along with me and be open enough to share words of wisdom, constructive criticism, encouragement and friendly banter with some laughs thrown in for good measure. 


As the transformation of a Buttafly continues, won't you come along?   :-)