Lyrically Speaking...

Recently, I attended the concert of one of my favorite music artists, Mary J. Blige. It was held at Foxwoods Resort and Casino’s Grand Theater and every seat was occupied. The smell of buttery salted popcorn, freshly sprayed perfume and lung killing cigarette smoke filled the air. The space was live with anticipation, nostalgia and good time vibes. For some, this concert was just something to do on a Saturday night, for others, it was a chance to be entertained by one of the greats and for those like me, it was a night of lyrical testimony being performed by a living legend.

Mary J. Blige emerged on the scene in the summer of 1992 with the single, “You Remind Me” from her debut album, What’s the 411?.  During that time, I was in a relationship that had turned into a threesome of sorts. I had just discovered my boyfriend not only had a girl on the side but was very much in love the other woman. At the time, many young women admired MJB’s style and tried to emulate her look. My man’s side piece was one of those. Thus, MJB herself became a constant reminder of this other woman and her album, What’s the 411?, became the soundtrack to that period of my life. From that album, five singles were released: “You Remind Me,” “Real Love,” “Reminisce,” “Sweet Thing,” and “Love No Limit.”  Each song hit a sweet and sour spot for me but the one that I feel the most is ‘Reminisce.’ It speaks to how, at the time, my boyfriend and I once had it all then, with the development of this new relationship he was sharing with someone else, all was lost (to me). So, when Mary sang,

“Iiiiiiiiii cannnnn rememberrrrrr whennnnnn, We haaaaad, We haaaad it aaaaalllllll, Yoooouuuuuu and Iiiiiii, Yoooouuuou and Iiiiiiiii (Reminisce on the love we had)…..yeeeeaaaahhhhhh! I know that we've been here before, The candle light and you walking softly through my door, Come on in my sweet. How have you been?, You’re so nice… but tonight we're gonna be more than just friends, I recall the days and ways of love we made, I still feel the heat when we shared each other…..Don't you feel the magic, the mystery's in the air, Lets go down to lover's lane with the love we shared…. ”

 I felt every word, every syllable and every vibration of this plea to reminisce.

Since then, MJB released several albums but there are two, My Life and The Breakthrough plus the single, “Not Gon’ Cry” (off of the soundtrack to the movie, Waiting to Exhale) that resonate with me as deeply as her debut.

When My Life was released, in November 1994, I was away at college. As those of you who have had the college experience know, being away from your friends, family and significant other can be difficult at times. Even more so at a time when there were no beepers, cell phones or social media outlets to keep you connected on a regular basis. If you called home and people weren’t available, you had to hope they would be the next time you made that call. Having telephones in our individual dorm rooms, as opposed to a common area, was as good as it got, in those days. I started my second year of college when My Life was released. I was able to get what was known as a ‘single’ room so I didn’t have to share my private space with anyone else. I thought it would be perfect for the times my daughter and her father/my man would come to visit. However, that was not to be since he would become incarcerated soon after I returned to my college campus. In addition to him being incarcerated, he was also expecting a child by another woman at the time.

Dealing with that situation and the feelings that came along with it, songs from MJB’s My Life served as sources of inspiration, strength and courage. My friends and I would play this CD and sing the words of every song, no matter what we were doing. My personal testimonial performances were often of “You Gotta Believe,”

“I told you once before, That I love you and I need you, But let me tell you once again, You were my closest friend, I'll never leave you, So hold me tight all through the night, Caress me with your tender care, Anytime or anywhere… I will go with you anywhere. (Please won't you trust me babe), Won't you trust in me baby, Stay with me (stay til death do us part), Till death do us part, You'll always be (oh, oh) right in my heart, Won't you please stay with me, Baby please believe in me (please believe in me)”

and “Mary’s Joint,”

“I know that you're just a man, But you're all the man I need and I know that you care and you'll never leave, No, you'll never leeeeaaaave…..I love you so, I can't let go, You know it's real, the way I feel, I want to stay, I'll try to wait on you my dear, my love's sincere….”

As we played spades together, the whole room would join Mary as she sang the words to “My Life,”

“Life can be only what you make it, when you're feelin down you should never fake it, Say what's on your mind and you'll find in time, that all the negative energy, it would all cease…. And you'll be at peace with yourself, You won't really need no one else, Except for the man up above, Because He'll give you love…..If you looked in my life and see what I've seen...”

and “Be Happy,”

How can I love somebody else, If I can't love myself enough, To know when it's time, time to let go, Sing….All I really want Is to be happy and to find a love that's mine, It would be so sweet, All I really want Is to be happy and to find a love that's mine, It would be so sweet, I just wanna sign, from the sweet Lord above, I know the answer is in front of me but when you think you're in love, you only see what you wanna see, and all I see is me for you and yooooouuuuu for meeeee….”

 I won’t quote the lyrics of every single from that album but, you get my drift. When Mary J. could be heard, her voice, her words, her songs brought people together, if only until the last melody drifted away.

                After completing my first two years of college, I transferred to a university in my hometown. I continued working hard to pursue my degree, mother my child, maintain connections to my friends and relatives and fight for my relationship. I shed some weight, gained some self-esteem and began to stand up for myself. I rarely accompanied my crew when they went out on the town but after being able to put on a body-hugging dress and turning heads, I was ready to go! I was feeling myself and feeling the fact that others were feeling me, too. Unfortunately, my man at the time wasn’t so enthused. He would destroy my clothing, say things to put me down and try to sabotage my efforts to enjoy my life. During this era, MJB came out with the album, “Share My World.” The single, “Everything,” said everything I wanted to feel and say to my man because it had been true at one time.

“It's all because of you, I'm never sad and blue, You've brightened up my days In your own special way, Whenever you're around, I'm never feeling down, You are my trusted friend, On you I can depend, You take me away from the pain and you bring me paradise, And when there were cloudy days you brought sunshine in my life, It never occurred, To me the first time I saw your face, I would fall so deep in love that your love can't be replaced…. You are my everything (you are my everything), love so good, so good only you can bring, You are my everything, You are everything and everything is you”

But, while I was finally beginning to feel good about myself, my relationship was on a downward spiral. I found myself living the lyrics to “I Can Love You.”  

“Sitting here, wondering why you don't love me the way that I love you
And baby have no fear, 'Cause I would never ever hurt you, and you know my love is real, boy I can….I can love you, (I can love you), I can love you, (I can love you), I can love you better than she can, I know some times can get rough but we'll make it, We'll make it through the storm and I know I will try to make sure that you can trust me and you know the reason why that I say…. I can love you, (I can love you), I can love you, (I can love you), I can love you better than she can”

In spite of the fact I believed I could love him better than any other ‘she’ could, my boyfriend and I parted ways. Thus, a whole new era of love found, shared and lost began. During my 10-year relationship, I went through almost every phase of love and hate that a couple could go through. I was determined to not duplicate many of those situations….especially the ones that involved high drama. When MJB dropped “No More Drama,”im 2001, I, along with millions of other seeking emotional relief and release, was on board with her as she sang……

“Broken heart again, Another lesson learned, Better know your friends
or else you will get burned, Gotta count on me, Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine, No more pain (no more pain), No more pain (no more pain), No drama (no more drama in my life), No one's gonna make me hurt again…..”

Unfortunately, there was still drama to be had in my love life. When the single, “Be without you” from MJB’s album, The Breakthrough was released in September 2005, I was deeply in love with somebody else’s guy. Despite the fact that he clearly belonged to someone else, I dedicated the words of that song to my forbidden lover. The first time I heard it, I thought to myself, “She clearly wrote this song for us!” I felt so strongly about it that I immediately set it as the ringtone on my cell for my special guy. The lyrics spoke to our relationship exactly…….

“Chemistry was crazy from the get-go, Neither one of us knew why, We didn't build nothing overnight, Cuz a love like this takes some time, People swore it off as a phase, Said we can’t see that, Now from top to bottom, They see that we did that (yes), It’s so true that (yes), We’ve been through it (yes), We got real sh** (yes), See baby we been...Too strong for too long (and I can’t be without you baby), And I’ll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can’t sleep without you baby), Anybody who’s ever loved, ya know just what I feel, Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it, Call the radio if you just can’t be without your baby……”

Eventually, I got out of that situation. Yet, that song (like the others from their respective eras) takes me back to those days, the feelings I felt and even certain smells, sounds and sights.

So it was, on the night of the concert. I know I wasn’t the only person who had this kind of experience because people all around me were singing their hearts out, dancing, punctuating certain words and lyrics with their arms and feet. It truly was a revival-type of experience, listening to and watching Mary J. Blige do her thing. Unfortunately, she is now going through a divorce so the strong emotions she brought up in herself were evident. Of course, with her catalog being so extensive, she could not perform every song each of us yearned to hear. I heard a man, who was sitting in the row behind me, say, “All I wanna hear is “What’s the 411!” But, she did not perform that song. I wanted to hear the entire “My Life” album but, of course, that was not to be. She gave us an hour and a half filled with the songs and messages she wanted to relay. She spoke about love of self, love for another, love unrequited, love shattered and love that stands the test of time.  Through her words, sang and spoken, MJB took us on a journey that spanned over two decades. She brought us to tears, made us laugh and kept us dancing, on the floor and in our seats. Her performance was so strong and her aura so real that she made us feel empowered, courageous and like family. My friends and I left the concert feeling energized and wanting more.

Upon leaving the concert, that ended too fast, my friends and I reflected on the show. It was noted by two of my girlfriends that MJB didn’t mention anything about the upcoming election nor did she address the Black Lives Matters movement. While those things didn’t cross my mind once, my friends found it to be a bit disappointing. I guess MJB thought it best to just stick to the music and the messages of love, life and good times. I don’t blame her. In spite of wanting more and feeling like the show only lasted 5 minutes, we thoroughly enjoyed the 90 minute MJB experience. It was obvious that she truly appreciates the love, loyalty and support of her fans. Twenty four years after her debut album, everyone still loves Mary and she remains hailed the Queen of Hip Hop Soul.

A letter to my daughter....

Dear Daughter,

     I see so much of me in you and it scares me. It scares me, because, like me, you are a fierce protector of your family & friends; family and friends that sometimes don't deserve your loyalty and protection. It scares me because, like me, you often put other people's feelings, wants and needs before your own. It scares me because, like me,  you love others freely, completely and deeply. It scares me because, like me, when it comes to men especially, you love too hard and too long.....
even when they don't love you back.

Like me, you choose men who are broken on the inside. You attract the kind of guys who need more than you are capable of giving. Instead of a partner who can improve the quality of your life, you end up with partners who bring you pain & stress. They always have a back story of which you try to make sense, try to make right, try to make over. You try to love the pain from their eyes, the ache from their hearts, the darkness from their souls. You try to love them out of a history of despair, into a future of happiness, joy and success. You try to love them into seeing themselves in your eyes. You try to love them into loving you.

STOP THAT. NOW. IT DOESN'T WORK. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. 

You see, some men are so caught up in their own despair that they really don't see you. Sure, they take notice of your beauty, might even engage in deep & meaningful conversation and they won't hesitate to make sweet love to your body. But, when it comes to establishing a genuine connection, soul to soul, heart to heart, eye to eye, you won't get it. Not necessarily because they don't want to give it to you, they just can't. They are incapable and there is nothing you can do about that.
Only they can make that change.

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

When you come along with your light, fluttering heart, bright, beautiful smile, sweet, sassy charm, high hopes & big dreams, he has no idea what to do with it. He is not ready. He has not been prepared. He is battling demons from his past or buckling under societal pressures of today or barely fighting for his future. Although you may think shining your light into his darkness will help him see his way out, the effect is often just the opposite. Your fire burns him. Your light blinds him.

YOUR BRIGHT AURA HIGHLIGHTS HIS GLOOM.

Try as you might, you cannot make someone love you. You can't charm your way into his heart. Your goodness, he cannot appreciate. Your loyalty means nothing to him. You are just one of many who try to find their worth in his unworthiness. His anger, his sadness, his misery, his loneliness, his insecurities, his incompetence, his history of abuse, violence, indifference, neglect blocks every blessing you try to bestow upon him.

YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN.

My advice to you, dear daughter, is to turn your focus inward. Give your self the love, attention, affection and care you have so abundantly given to others. Polish your own shine to diamond status, uplift your own spirit, strengthen your own resolve, enlighten your own mind and be the best friend your self ever had. When you are comfortable in your own skin, being good to your self and living your life like it's golden, it is then that your true love will appear.....in the mirror.

Dear daughter,

LOVE YOU FIRST AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW.

SOUL MATES

Most people think of a soul mate as a romantic partner who will enter their lives, bring sunshine and happiness and live happily ever after with them. A partner who will understand them better than anyone else has or can; a partner who will love them unconditionally and support them wholeheartedly; a partner who loves them as they are but constantly inspires them to be better; a partner who takes care of them, mind body and soul. I am one of those people. However, I also believe we have soul mates who serve different purposes, in different areas and at different stages of our lives. For instance.......

As an adolescent, I had a best friend who I believe is my soul mate. We did everything together. We worked together, played together, dressed alike and had each other's backs. We confided in each other, encouraged each other and shared very important milestones together. To this day, we are one of each other's best friends and will remain so until death do us part.

As a teenager/young adult, I had a boyfriend with whom I had no doubt I'd spend the rest of my life. He treated me like a princess, took care of me and made me a promise of 'forevermore.' We were a match made in heaven. We were together for 9 years; nine years of raw, unadulterated growing pains. During those years, life happened. We loved each other madly and betrayed each other badly. In the end, our romantic relationship did not prevail but our co-creation of life preserved our love as family. As co-parents and co-grandparents, our souls are mated, forevermore.

Since then, I thought I had a romantic soul mate or two but the truth of the matter is, I have not. A few may have connected with my heart, my body and/or my mind but none with my soul. I am still patiently waiting for that connection.

In the meantime, I've realized, my siblings are my soul mates. They know me almost as well as I know myself. They know what to do to piss me off, make me happy, make me cry, make me laugh, make me scream, jump for joy, sit down and be quiet, sing at the top of my lungs, dance til my feet are on fire or just be still. I have a sister who knows how to dress me without making me look too young or feel too old; a sister who protects me like a bodyguard and feeds me like star chef; a sister I can call on, any time of day or night and not wonder for one second whether or not she will come to my aid; a sister who can make me laugh for 24 hours straight, if I sit there that long; a sister who, as my emotional mirror, constantly shows me ways to be and do better; a sister who will dance with me all night long to damn near any song; a sister who serves up dollops of inspiration, motivation, encouragement and guidance at a moment's notice; a brother who, as a celebrated athlete, dedicated employee and family man, serves as a daily example of strength, determination and perseverance and, last but not least, a brother who, through his tragic death, reminds me every day to never give up and live life to the fullest.
I think it's safe to say, though the king to my queen has yet to take his place in my life, I have made acquaintance with my soul's mates.

POETRY CORNER: Quality Time #mylovelanguage

TIME OVER MONEY

by Sameialika Tarver 2011

Yes, money makes the world go round

and affords one nice things too

But time with you is what makes my heart pound

without your money, I can do

Honey,

when dollars just don't make sense

when I'm longing for your touch

I need you to clock in on my shift

to remind me of just how much

You love, adore & appreciate me

that your day is brighter because it includes me

that in your arms is where you like me to be

giving me butterfly kisses oh-so-softly....

Yeah babe, I know

you gotta do what u do

at the end of some days

you need 'me time' too

some nights you may cherish your bed alone

don't wanna DM, text or talk on the phone

All I'm sayin is,

don't take for granted my heart

even though we know it was love from the start

You said it, now show me

your heart is mine

not by buying me gifts but by spending time

Every moment with you

I cherish beyond measure

every memory we make will be treasured forever

so while you're on your grind

makin dollars out of dimes

just keep in mind the bottom line

I NEED YOU

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

For my first post of 2016, I thought about reflecting on the struggles endured and overcome, obstacles encountered and surpassed, unfortunate circumstances I found myself in, unnecessary drama I removed myself from, love found, lost and unrequited, time spent, stolen and wasted, memories made to be forgotten or cherished forever, dreams developed and deferred and life refreshed, recharged and redirected. But why look backwards when I have so much to look forward to? I have a lot to be thankful for, grateful for and proud of. Though I won't detail every little thing, good or bad, that I experienced in 2015, I would be remiss if I didn't touch on a few VIPs (very important points) that had a significant impact on my life. 

I'm on my own. For the first time ever, I reside with my self: no children, no significant other, no relative, no friend, no roommate. Just me, myself and I. Upon signing my lease and finalizing all paperwork associated with my move, I realized it would be the first time I would live in a residence alone. At various points in my life, I lived with my parents, daughter, granddaughter, significant other, siblings, friends and grandparent. The only time I lived by myself was in college, when I had a single room for a year and a half. When I announced that I would finally be moving into my place by myself, some people speculated that I'd be lonely (and miserable, they wanted to add). They predicted I would miss having other people around regularly and that I'd probably spend a lot of nights staying with relatives and friends. I predicted I would feel free, comfortable and at peace. True, I did love having my mother right there to do all the motherly things she loves to do. I enjoyed seeing my grandmother every day, happy that, after more than 92 years, she is still here with us. I even found comfort (along with my annoyance) in having our beloved family dog, Prycee (a beautiful, loving and sometimes too playful, pit bull) in our midst. But, I longed for the peace and tranquility I knew would come with living on my own. Although it's only been a couple months, I feel the best I've ever felt. I'm enjoying the process of shaping my space into one that is cozy & inviting, adding style & flair and making it into a home.....my home.

I realized a dream. Over 10 years ago, my soul spoke to me and said, 'You need to run a group for children where they can learn important lessons, consume a hearty meal and feel love.' I contemplated whether it should be an after school program, a summer program, a weekend-only program or.....?' I finally came up with the idea of a breakfast club. I thought about how every health expert....plus, my Auntie Oprah....says breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I figured in the fact that breakfast foods and supplies are pretty affordable, flexible and appealing. I decided, in spite of the fact I am not a morning person nor do I particularly enjoy cooking, running a breakfast club would be a sure bet. It would allow me to flex my creative skills, build my culinary repertoire and give me a good reason to get my rump out of bed early in the morning. As fate would have it, a conversation with my stepmother about love (and the changes I been going through....) morphed into a discussion about our personal hopes and dreams. We both expressed a desire to run a group such as the breakfast club and, thus, a dream was set in motion. We took the necessary steps to make it legal and official then we stepped out on faith. Although it didn't quite materialize the way I envisioned it, The Breakfast Club came to fruition this past summer. We served nearly 100 breakfasts over several Saturdays. The kids who participated (and their parents) seemed to be very satisfied and thankful that our service was available. I'm looking forward to continuing and expanding this mission.

I met a guy. Well, I didn't actually just meet him. I've known him since middle school and had been 'friends' with him on social media for several years. We didn't have much contact during that time but, one day last March, he decided to reach out to me.  My first reaction, when I saw the notification I had a message from him, was, 'What the flimflamflum does he want with me?!' I automatically thought, 'Oh, here we go.....another guy trying to score from his inbox!' But, I was dead wrong and pleasantly surprised. Our initial conversation was the typical, 'How are you? What have you been up to? Why are you still single' question and answer session. We exchanged phone numbers and communicated via text for a couple weeks. After we began talking on the phone, it was like we were teenagers. Our conversations lasted for hours at a time and we talked about everything. I had never been so candid with a guy before or had one be so candid (and, dare I say, vulnerable) with me. We both admitted to feeling a 'connection;' like we had been friends forever. Due to his job, we didn't see each other in person for a couple months. By that time, we had experienced a few communicative breakdowns, mishaps,  miscommunication and disagreements. So, our first meeting started out a bit awkward and lukewarm. It was obvious we still liked each other and the attraction was still there. Yet, the connection seemed to have weakened. Nevertheless, the chemistry still crackled and we did share a few passionate moments, in a NC-17 kind of way. Since then, we have remained in contact with each other and our friendship has blossomed, albeit still not in full bloom. The ebb and flow of our relationship is sometimes frustrating, and even infuriating but, overall, it has been inspiring, motivating and alluring. I don't know what the future holds for me and him but, if our friendship ended today, I could honestly say, I'm a better woman because of it.

All of that being said, the year 2015 has been quite good to me. I ended that year with an honest assessment that I had absolutely nothing to complain about. Sure, I had trials and tribulations but none that overtook my mind, my senses or my health. I feel good, I look good and I am proud of who I am. So, this year, I plan to continue progressing as a woman, developing as a leader/teacher, learning how to be a better businesswoman, practicing being a helpmate/soulmate/partner, loving my self, cultivating my spirit, sharing my heart and being the best me I can be. I do declare 2016 as "The Year Of Me!"

FRIDAY'S FOOD FOR THE SOUL: Poetry & Music

Poetry and music....perfect combination to end the month long celebration of love......enjoy!

THE MUSIC MAN

The man who makes you sing a song

while holding you in his arms

is the man you want all night long

He is the Music Man

The man who evokes that melody

those notes that form the symphony

while you enjoy his company

He is The Music Man

The man who takes you high and low
as the beat gets fast then comes back slow
makes you forget the words you used to know
He is the Music Man

The man who turns the volume down
so the room is filled with just your sound
can smooth it out when the bass gets tough
then turns it off when you've had enough
He is The Music Man

by Sameialika Tarver, July 2007

My girl Jill Scott explains it perfectly in this song.........

BFly's Ode to Black Men

Since February is unoffficially/officially (depending on who you ask) the month to celebrate Black History and the mystery called Love, I'm gonna SET IT OFF with this...

BFly's Ode to Black Men

The mystery and history of thee Beautiful Black Man

is what keeps him hot as fire

he's the subject of many roundtables

the object of many desires

His walk is sexy & unique

individually perfected

specifically tweaked

the tone of his voice and the twinkle in his eye

is what captures my attention

keeps me attuned to my guy

I love the way he smirks when he's on top of his game

and the way his ears perk up when I call his name

his love for his kids is beautiful to see

what's more beautiful is when he's standing beside me

being inside me, loving all sides of me

knowing and believing without me there's no he

The mystery and history of my beautiful Black Man

is that NO ONE on earth can do it like he can

HIStory has shown that his strength is incredible

with spirit unleashed, determination is incomparable

possibilities are endless despite any obstacles

what he puts his mind to my man can attain

despite the color of his skin, the letters in his name

What I love, most of all, is the status he brings

for he's not just a black man

he is a King

I love, I admire and sometimes I can't stand 

but I'd rather live with 
than without

my Black Man

Sameialika Tarver 2012

LOVE

There are many ideas, definitions and misconceptions about that four-letter word, L O V E. It has been uttered (to and by me) in pure deception, more times than I care to remember. It took damn near all my life a while but I finally figured out what love means to me. In a sentence, I believe.....

Love is the emotion that inspires you to improve the quality of another person's life, moment by moment...... 

By this, I'm not (just) referring to extraordinary acts of romance, over the top gestures or luxurious gifts. The small things matter just as much as (if not more than) the big things. Pay attention to her habits, listen closely when she speaks of her wants, needs & desires (sometimes she hints, sometimes she says it straight up), ask about his favorite foods, movies, sports teams, etc, surprise him with a romantic, 5-course, home-cooked meal (or just some wings & beer for him and the fellas). Give each other compliments, back rubs, encouragement. Inquire if you can be of assistance in any way; and when you know your man/woman is struggling or feeling overwhelmed with something, take the initiative to resolve the issue (if it is within your power to do so). Expose them to something from your world that may be new to them, divulge secrets and share your dreams, randomly call or text, to say something nice, uplifting, enticing, sexy. Spend time with them doing things they like that you don't necessarily indulge or enjoy (go see that chick flick, car show, basketball game or play). Be honest, open, kind, considerate, compassionate, thoughtful, fun, funny, inspiring, encouraging, uplifting. Do things that make the other person feel blessed, happy and thankful that you are a part of their life.

Though it is nice to receive cards & gifts, LOVE is more about actions/behavior. Hearing those three little words can be like sweet music to my ears, but I prefer that you SHOW ME you love me more than you tell me.

What is your definition of L O V E ?

Dear Aja Metoyer.....the shame is on you, deal with it!

Dear Aja Metoyer, 

Let me get this straight: you've been sleeping with someone else's man for an undetermined period of time, you've admitted to not only being his mistress but being totally & utterly disrespectful to his woman by telling her (in a letter to the world) how her man 'made you feel comfortable' on her side of the bed, you became pregnant by this man and gave birth to his son then took to social media to rant and rave about 'what the truth is' regarding your status as being 'more than just a baby mama.' Right?  Yeah...dead wrong.

  

Now, I know it's none of my business; you don't know me and I don't know you; in fact, I don't even know Dwyane Wade or Gabrielle Union (although she is my sister in my head). But, I have a right to my opinion. I love to give it, solicited or not, and since I have a platform to do so, on this here blog, I'm going to do exactly that. It bothers me that (women like) you feel compelled to shame another woman because you can't handle your own shame by yourself. I know not the dynamics, details or dirty secrets of the Wade/Union relationship but what I do know is that, despite his rendezvous with you (and whatever other women may be in his back pocket), Gabby is always front and center, standing strong. She is the woman he celebrates with (moments big or small), the woman he takes silly pics with and posts on social media for all the world to see, the woman he spends holidays with, shares his life with, the woman he trusts to be a parental figure to his children. Gabrielle Union is the woman he takes on trips around the world, who he proclaims and exclaims his deep love & affection for, the one he refers to as his beautiful black queen, the one he recently pledged to commit his lifelong love to....but YOU'RE MAD??

Despite your sad and pitiful efforts to soil her name and cause her shame, Gabrielle Union's dimples are still in full effect (read, she's still smiling). She is proudly wearing the ring her man gave her, just a month after you gave birth to your son. From the looks of things, they will be going forward with their marriage plans so you can stop now. Stop trying to make Gabby look stupid and stop making a fool of yourself. Don't you think you've done enough by exposing details of your affair with him, getting pregnant and bringing a child into this world under these circumstances? What is it that you hope to accomplish by continuing to throw dirt on the Wade/Union relationship? Sure, there will be those who will judge Gabby, think of her as 'stupid,' 'desperate,' 'money-hungry' or other unflattering things but guess what? That's not going to get you what you want: to be in her shoes. You telling the world how you were flown here & there, in secret, what amenities you enjoyed in Gabby's absence and how much more you mean to Dwyane than what a side piece usually does, is not going to change the fact that they are together. Your admission to willingly being the poison in another woman's love life is nothing to be proud of, honey. To make matters worse, you are a mother of two female children. Is this what you want them to learn about how a woman carries herself and conducts herself in the dating world? Probably not. So, maybe you should put the muzzle on now and focus on taking care of that baby boy and those two girls. Find a way to move on and get your own man to love. I think your 15 minutes are way over.......good luck to you!

P.S.

In no way is Dwyane Wade absolved of his responsibility in this matter. However, that is Gabrielle's business to handle, although I think she's been there and done that already. This letter/post is written to address the actions and unbecoming behavior of  one woman to another , specifically. 

The Time Is Now...

Today is my father's birthday. It's been over 10 years since he passed away but my siblings and I still acknowledge, and in some way, celebrate the day our father was born. When he was alive, he would not let us forget it. He would call us days before, telling us what we better have for him he wanted and he made sure to show up and collect. In some ways, I felt like, 'he got some damn nerve!' but, for the most part, I took joy in showing my Dad some love on his special day. He was nowhere near a perfect father but he loved him some me and I loved me some him.. We shared a close bond and had a good relationship. I was a 'Daddy's Girl' for most of my life, but things changed as I got older. 

In the weeks before my father died, I was giving him the cold shoulder. If he said anything to me, my responses would be short & snippy, I kept my distance and my smiles for him were tight-lipped, if I smiled his way at all. During this time, I was ready to confront him and go head-to-head with the 'Why didn't you/where were you when...' conversation. I had asked him a few hard questions before, but it was never an opportunity where we could have a full-blown discussion. I was so ready for it, and I could tell, in his eyes, he wasn't. I believe he had an idea of how I I felt because he seemed to be extra soft & cautious in our interactions. He wouldn't say too much about my attitude and actions towards him but he would give me this look. A look that said, 'You better watch who you're talking to' but 'I understand where you're coming from' at the same time. For the most part, I never gave my father any backtalk (because I knew I would get a backhand and a fat lip), but at this particular time, I didn't care. I was (as they say today) in my feelings. I felt hurt so I wanted him to hurt too. 

Then, one night, my father was hit and run over by a car....and he died from the injuries 10 days later. He was in tremendous pain in the days leading up to his death and I felt no sympathy. It was one of the few times in my life that I felt cold & indifferent towards someone I loved. I was mad so, at the time, I thought, 'that's what he gets' (the pain, not the incident). Not once did I think he would die (from those circumstances) and never did I wish death upon him. I just didn't care that he was suffering and I chalked it up to him getting his karma. Then, he was gone.  

As I saw my father lying lifeless on my sister's couch, all the things I felt the need to say to him before didn't seem to matter much. In the subsequent days of planning his funeral, I had time to think, reflect and reminisce. I thought about how unnecessary and unfair my recent actions toward my father were. How, instead of being funky and cold towards him, I could have used a more loving, warm approach. Instead of judging my father on the things I thought he did wrong, I could have focused on all of the things he did right. I could have looked at him as the flawed human being he was (as we all are); a person who made choices that resulted in some good and some bad. I could see the hurt in my Dad's eyes from the disappointment he knew I felt. Yes, I had some resentment but our good times greatly outweighed the bad times. I should have reassured my Daddy how much I loved him, and that I was still his girl, in spite of it all....

No matter how much anger, resentment or disappointment you feel, if you love someone, need someone or want someone in your life, let them know.....now....before it's too late.

Don't wait until it's too late.....

if you love me, tell me now

if you care, show me how much 

I really mean to you

Don't wait until it's too late....

if there's something you want me to have, give it to me today

if there's something I need to know, don't hesitate 

say what's on your mind

Don't wait until it's too late...

if the time comes, take it

when the chance arrives, embrace it

and make 

every 

moment 

count

Don't wait until it's too late...

when my eyes can no longer see

and my ears can no longer hear 

when my feelings can no longer be

Don't wait until it's too late

when my body has gone cold

and your words and actions can do me no good

and all I am is a memory to hold

Don't wait 

another day might be too late....

the time 

is now

copyright 2013 by Sameialika Tarver

Happy Birthday Daddy

Woman Seeking Man

I gave up, quit, threw in the towel on the online dating scene. Already? you say. Yup! Already. 

You see, I joined the online dating community with the hopes of finding someone I could meet, date and possibly end up in a relationship with. I looked forward to meeting people who are interesting, fun, mature, attractive, sexy, stable, secure and open to the possibilities I am open to. I thought I'd have a good chance since I am attractive, intelligent, fun, fabulous and a lot of other good things. Not so much. In my month-long membership, I have not met ONE guy who has gained enough of my interest to want to date him. There was one who had my attention (physically stimulating), a couple who were nice to talk to (but leaned towards the boring side), a few who were fun/interesting to talk to (but showed clear warning signs of 'crazy ahead') and some who just tried too hard (using cheesy poetry, cliches and terms of endearment). However, there was one guy (that I will refer to as 'Jack') I did exchange phone numbers with, speak to on the phone and had a mild interest in. He invited me to go to the mall with him, on a whim (or so I thought) and, immediately, I told him yes, I would go. 

I met him in the parking lot of a nearby shopping plaza. My sister drove me there so she could meet him, see his face, car and license plate number. He seemed harmless over the phone and I felt very comfortable with him and although I know anything is possible, I was stupid crazy outta my mind cool with getting in the car with him. So I did. Conversation started off good. He did most of the talking, I laughed at his jokes & sarcastic remarks and I shared some things about myself. It was a 45 minute drive (due to traffic) to our destination and, within the first 5 minutes, I knew I wouldn't want to see this guy again. The rest of the time we were together reinforced that feeling and three things stood out for me.

#1 - Physically, Jack wasn't appealing to me. In his pictures, he looked attractive but when I saw him in person, I realized he was hiding one thing in all of his pics - a big belly. Now, I have a tubby tummy myself so I'm not judging or being shallow. The difference between me and  him is that I did not hide that fact in my dating profile. I included head shots and full body pics. Of course, I try to dress in a manner that will not put my belly on display but it ain't hard to see that I do have one. He clearly did not want to show his and he made remarks about himself (while we were in the car) that let me know he is insecure about his body.

Not only am I carrying extra weight around my middle but I have also dated (loved and was crazy attracted to) other guys who are overweight, with big bellies. However, the way they carried themselves made a big difference in how I felt towards them. They were confident and sure about themselves. Their weight or body shape did not hold them back from holding their heads high. Jack's posture in the car was of a lazy, sloppy nature. He seemed to be well groomed and smelled nice but his body language told me he had no swag (sorry, can't think of another word that expresses that) and he knew it.


#2 - Jack was not the 'boss-type' of guy I perceived him to be. In his pics, he came across as a guy who is a 'man's man.' The kind of guy that takes his lady by the hand and leads her through a crowd, who stands behind her at the bar and orders her drinks for her, who scoops her up in his arms and squeezes her tight. Instead, he was the kind of guy who makes sarcastic remarks that are insults in disguise (jerk). The kind of guy who gets in the car first while his 'date' stands waiting for him to unlock her door - from the inside (not a chivalrous bone in his body)! The kind of guy who sneaks in touches & feels with the hopes that he won't, or belief that he shouldn't, be checked on it (perv tendencies). 

While talking in the car, he used his hands expressively and touched my leg once or twice and even came veryclose to touching my breast. I gave him the benefit of the doubt the first two times he made or almost made contact with me, but on the third time, I had to check him. When I told him to keep his hands to himself, he had the nerve to be defensive & offensive, at the same damn time! He told me I need to relax and calm down. Then he grabbed my hand and rubbed it on the upper thigh area of his jeans and (in a joking manner) asked if that made me feel better. I told him it did not. It actually made me very uncomfortable, but I didn't tell him that. Instead, I laughed it off and tried to make the best of the situation. 

#3 - Jack is a cheap bastard. He told me, when he was with his ex-wife, they went dutch on outings to the movies because it's too expensive for one person to pay. Excuuuuuuse me?!  Yes, the movies are expensive but there are ways to cut down on the expenses other than going dutch. I'm not opposed to going dutch or even, footing the bill sometimes. However, that would be after a few dates and my idea to do so. For a guy to suggest it, especially in the beginning phase, is a turnoff for me. I know times are hard for a lot of folks but, sir, if you don't have the money to take a woman to the movies or on a decent lunch or dinner date, please get off the dating scene.

In addition to the movies scenario, he made other statements to let me know he wasn't the type to spend money. Don't get me wrong. I'm not nor have I ever been a gold-digger. I just like for a man to want to spend his money on me...whether it be for a movie date or very nice birthday/holiday gift. Or a simple book that I have interest in. While we were in one store, I picked up a book and flipped through it. I looked at the price then put it down. He asked me how much it cost and I told him. He said nothing and walked away. I picked up another and did the same thing. That time, he said nothing.That was it for me. Yes, I can pay my own way & for my own things, but that isn't the point. In fact, I didn't really want the books, I just wanted to see if he would offer to buy it (or something) for me...especially since he invited me to go to the mall! I mean, really, what kind of man asks a woman to go to the mall with him then not offer to buy her anything?! 

I think he's done that before though. Take a drive to the mall (under a bs premise that he needed to find sneakers for his son), walk around, get a feel for her and spend not a dime. Well, he did offer to buy me something to eat from the food court (ha!) but, by then, I had lost my appetite.

I lost my appetite for food, any connection with that fella and the online dating scene. I know what you're thinking. I shouldn't let one person spoil the whole experience. I haven't been online long enough to give it a fair chance. There are success stories from online dating. Yeah. Yeah Yeah. You do you and let me do me. From the short time I was online, the exchanges that I've had and that one 'date,' I've realized that online dating is just not for me. Not only does it not give people a real glimpse of who I am as a person, but it enables too many fakes, frauds & imposters to be a part of my life, no matter how short the time is. I've lived enough and learned enough lessons to know I need to follow my own gut, do what feels good/right to me and not be afraid to make choices that are in my best interest. Ok, it's really not that deep.....but then again, it is. 

There's nothing like being in front of a person, talking to them, looking at them, seeing the way they move and feeling the vibes they give off. That is a much better way to gauge whether or not you want to pursue anything with someone. It's a waste of time, in my opinion, to set up a profile, stalk check your mailbox, read/send messages, give out your phone number, text or talk to people then realize they aren't worth your time. You can't get that time back. Yes, we can still be fooled by people in person but, I think we would waste less of our valuable time doing so. If I had met Jack in person, I would have never given him my phone number or the time of day. I would've immediately dismissed him as a 'cornball' and moved on to the next. But, I'm glad I had the experience. Now I know what it's like in the online dating world. I'm not saying I'll never try it again but for now, I'll stick to real life.

LOVE: The survival of the fittest

My ego wants me to hate you but it's me that I despise...
for allowing you to seduce me with your well rehearsed lines of overused lies....

With that fire in your eyes, you ignited a spark that had me longing for things we could do in the dark....

The brightness of your smile blinded me to a truth that is so ugly 
your lips that I kissed told fibs about how much you really loved me.....

The way you held me in your arms gave a comfort I needed
so when I saw the first warning sign, I refused to heed it....

In that moment, when the bold truth burst thru the door, I didn't want to face the you I knew I wouldn't want any more.. 
No matter how much my heart wanted you to be the one for me, my mind could not decry or deny the cold reality....

The disappointment in knowing I was wrong....again
The frustration of having to start all over.... again
The humiliation of having to face my family and friends....

But truth is, I am human and though it's love that I want, I refuse to be fueled by desperation
I need a truth I can flaunt
I refuse to be led on by good looks or charm, I need arm candy of loyalty
only a king of honesty is fit for my royalty

I will not allow a foolish man to swindle me out of my heart in return for sweet nothings given out in the dark...
I won't be driven crazy by drama created by desperate exes and lonely baby mamas...

I need a love that is mature, healthy and true
and though I hate to admit it, that love is not you.....
So, onward I go, with another lesson learned 
and though my feelings have been burned, my heart is still intact
and...
I will survive.

copyright 2013 by Sameialika Tarver

The Scary World of Dating....

The dating world is intimidating, to say the least. Although I've never been married and haven't been in a serious, long-term relationship in years, I'm on the dating scene for the first time....and I don't know what to do. I've never had to 'look for' a mate or put myself out there to be 'found by' a mate. Every relationship (short or long, serious or casual) I've had has been with someone I already knew or, at least, was familiar with. They usually approached me and I never had to do much to 'make them' like me. I grew up in a place where 'everybody knows everybody,' I had the reputation of being a 'good girl,' and I come from a huge family so, if a guy didn't know me, he knew somebody who did. So I never had a problem with attracting men. Now, none of that matters.

I am in a city where no one knows my name, my reputation or has connections with anyone who could put in a word (good or bad) about me. I am single and ready, but scared to mingle. Scared, in the sense that I don't know what to expect, say or do. So scared that, when I'm in social situations, I give off body language that (according to my sister, whose word I trust) says I am NOT available, DO NOT talk to me, DO NOT approach me. Yet, I DO want to be approached and I would like to be spoken to. I think I allow my fear of saying or doing the wrong thing take over and I end up giving off the opposite vibe of what I really want. My lack of suitors isn't helped by the fact that I don't go out much, either. However, I did set up a profile on a dating site (that many have claimed to have found love on).

I don't know if my profile is a 'good' one, according to dating profile standards, but I think it's pretty decent. I have nice pictures of myself posted and my 'About Me' section is cool. I think my profile lets people know that I am serious, mature and fun. So far, I've been contacted by over 40 men but only 2 or 3 have stood out. I was given phone numbers by 5 but only gave my number to 1. He and I communicated by text only for over a week then I told him I would like to hear his voice (although I wish I didn't have to tell him that). I finally spoke to him a couple days later (after I initiated the phone call) and the conversation was....awkward. Although he seemed to be very interested, through text messages, his phone conversation showed otherwise. His tone was full of nonchalance & annoyance and his words were short & curt. The teeth pulling conversation lasted about 6 minutes then he said he would call me back but, he never did (just as I suspected). I'm not sure if I even want to talk to him again (although, for some reason, I feel 'pull' from this guy). As for the others, they seem to have a short attention span and a need for coaching in the communication department. The conversation is wack y'all! I don't want to be a skeptic and approach all situations with a "side eye" but the men I've come across so far make it hard for me not to.

I'm gonna give it a chance though. I've only been on the site for 3 weeks so I will give it some time. How much time is yet to be determined........

How do you feel about online dating? Have you had any success with it? Do you have any tips for a sista?

A Word of Advice....

I read somewhere, that it could be helpful for one to consult with their exes to get a better gauge on how one could be better in future relationships. I thought about it and, as with most things, there are some advantages and disadvantages to this notion. On one hand, if your ex could be honest (without being brutal), you may be able to learn yourself something. On the other hand, if your ex is still salty, you may get an earful of some things that will just make you mad. I like to think of myself as the ex you can still be cool with, with no salt added and I would give honest, helpful feedback. But how many of my exes could be counted on to give me the non-hating truth?? I think I could get the real deal from 2 or 3, but would I actually go for it? I don't know.

I've thought about it and, even, seriously considered doing it. I mean, what's the worse that could happen? They don't oblige me or they say some things I don't want to hear? They post on FB or IG about their crazy ex who needed their help on getting her future love life together? Not so bad. I think I could take that. But I don't believe any of my exes would actually do that. I think, if I seriously asked them questions, such as, 'What did I do wrong, what I could do differently or better and what did I do that was great or on point?,' they would give me honest feedback. They would probably feel honored that I have such regard for them that I would even ask. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.......I just might try it.

What about you? Would you ask your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend for their advice on how you could be better in your future relationships? If so, how much consideration would you give to what they tell you? Have you asked and heeded their advice? Did it work?

Charlie's Angelz

I've spoken about my siblings on this blog a few times, but for those who don't know, I am the eldest of 11; technically, of 2 whole sisters, 6 half sisters and 2 half brothers. (For the record, we never use the terms 'half-brother' or 'half sister.' However, I'm using them in this blog post for descriptive purposes only.) I don't remember life without siblings (as I was only a year and 2 months old when my first sister was born) and I can't imagine life without ever having them. Yet, there have been times when I've said (and I think all of my siblings can attest to feeling this way at one time or another), 'Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do I have to be a part of this crockpot stew of siblings!' We have a lot of love for each other but with our complicated beginnings (Papa was a rolling stone), comes jealousy, resentment, competition, chaos and drama. All siblings experience some drama & rivalry but when you add multiple sets of parents to the mix, that experience is multiplied by a thousand. This is not to say there is no goodness....or even greatness....within the group, but the complications can't be denied. When we were young, with hardly any control over our lives and relationships with other people, our parents played a huge role in how we got along (or not) with our sisters and brothers. While my parents were together, my father had 4 children outside of their relationship (in addition to the three he had with my mother) with 3 other women. The first five of us were born within a period of 5 years, with 2 born in the same year, within 6 months of each other. Can you say DRAHHHH-MA!

I grew up in a place where 'everybody knows everybody' so my father couldn't hide his indiscretions for long, if at all. My mother always found out about these other children and we always found out about our new siblings. As a young child, I didn't fully grasp what having these 'outside siblings' meant to my mother and my parents' relationship. I was always happy about having a new sister and excited to tell/show the world. Of course, this did not make my mother happy and, at one point I would get admonished for referring to any of the 'other' kids as my sister. I don't know what my sisters' mothers were saying to them but there was a period of time when two in particular (who shared the same mother) would sometimes say mean things about/to my 2 'whole' sisters and me. It hurt, of course, but even moreso, I was confused. I didn't understand why they felt this animosity towards us when we had never done anything to them. It wasn't until I got older, learned more of the truth and had certain experiences that I understood why the bad blood flowed between those 2 sisters and us. My parents finally broke up when I was around 9 years old, not long after the last of the 'outside' kids was born. There was more drama to be had, despite the breakup, but eventually my parents would stop the madness. My father moved on with the mother of the last child he had while he was with my mother; they had 2 more daughers & one son and eventually got married. My mother moved on, got married and gave birth to my youngest brother. Although our parents finally gave up the drama, my siblings and I (unknowingly) picked up where they left off.

Throughout the years, we have had wonderful times together and we've had heartbreaking times too. We have dealt with pettiness such as gossip & jealousy, serious issues such as backstabbing & disrespect and life-altering events such as birth & death. We have spoken ill of each other, had physical fights, ignored and even stopped speaking to each other. But, we ALWAYS fall back to the lesson our father taught us: sticking together. If my father did anything right, it was to make sure his children not only knew each other but had relationships with each other. He always told us to never let anything or anyone come between us, no matter what. So, when we go through difficult times, we always manage to bring it back to what's important: our relationship with each other and the examples we are setting for our children. We all understand that, because we are human, we will make mistakes and we will do things to upset, disappoint and hurt each other. But what we will also do is be more careful, thoughtful and conscious of our words & actions so the hurtful things happen less; and what we won't do is let the negative overpower the positive. We have vowed to each other that no matter how upset we get or how big or small a transgression is, we will do what it takes to work it out.

We're in a good space today and I believe we serve as good role models of people with similar family dynamics. Therefore, I will be writing more about the good, the bad & the ugly times of Charlie's Angelz (which is what our Dad affectionately referred to us as, since his name was Charlie). I share with the hope that it will inspire someone else to improve, nurture and appreciate the relationships they have, with their siblings and other loved ones.

Charlie's Angelz have come a long way, baby and I say with confidence, things will only get better!