LOVE: The survival of the fittest

My ego wants me to hate you but it's me that I despise...
for allowing you to seduce me with your well rehearsed lines of overused lies....

With that fire in your eyes, you ignited a spark that had me longing for things we could do in the dark....

The brightness of your smile blinded me to a truth that is so ugly 
your lips that I kissed told fibs about how much you really loved me.....

The way you held me in your arms gave a comfort I needed
so when I saw the first warning sign, I refused to heed it....

In that moment, when the bold truth burst thru the door, I didn't want to face the you I knew I wouldn't want any more.. 
No matter how much my heart wanted you to be the one for me, my mind could not decry or deny the cold reality....

The disappointment in knowing I was wrong....again
The frustration of having to start all over.... again
The humiliation of having to face my family and friends....

But truth is, I am human and though it's love that I want, I refuse to be fueled by desperation
I need a truth I can flaunt
I refuse to be led on by good looks or charm, I need arm candy of loyalty
only a king of honesty is fit for my royalty

I will not allow a foolish man to swindle me out of my heart in return for sweet nothings given out in the dark...
I won't be driven crazy by drama created by desperate exes and lonely baby mamas...

I need a love that is mature, healthy and true
and though I hate to admit it, that love is not you.....
So, onward I go, with another lesson learned 
and though my feelings have been burned, my heart is still intact
and...
I will survive.

copyright 2013 by Sameialika Tarver

Is There An Easy Way Out?

By now, we all know there is no 'magic pill' nor quick permanent solution to losing weight.  You must expend more calories than you take in.....period.  You must eat less, move more. But lately, I've been in a funk and feeling like I just can't do it on my own.  So I started thinking about surgery.  I know I'd never do gastric bypass but the 'lesser evil,' Lap-Band surgery, I would consider.....have considered.....considering right now.  One part of me is saying, 'NO, YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT SURGERY!' while the other part is saying, 'OH YEAH???  WELL, WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE IT YET...HUH, HUH?  

I've looked at the pros and cons and I'm not afraid of getting the surgery. I know what the possible & probable side effects are and they don't 'scare' me much.  What has held me back from doing it is my own ego & pride.  If I do it, then people will say/think I took the 'easy way out.'  I know I shouldn't care about others' thoughts & opinions but the competitor in me wants the 'trophy' and recognition from doing it without surgery.  I mean, lots of people have done it.  There are many who can boast how they ate & exercised their way to a body that is 100, 200, 300, 400 lbs lighter, WITHOUT SURGERY. 

I really wanna be one of those people and I know I can be. But what's the use of knowing but not doing.....knowing and not being?  I've been in this fight for almost 20 years and over time, I've gotten farther and father away from my goal....from the win.  Now, time is truly of the essence.  The stakes are higher for me now that I am dealing with the early stages of diabetes.  Yes,  my weight has finally caught up with me in a way that I cannot avoid.  I no longer have the 'luxury of time' being on my side.  I must do something about my weight OR ELSE.  

It makes me sad to admit that I haven't changed my habits much since my diagnosis.  Which brings me to my current state of mind.....to be a surgery candidate or not to be.  Deciding to have the surgery just might be more of a necessity than a personal choice....so I have to ask myself, what is more important.....my body/health or other people's opinions?