I Loved Me Some Him.....

"I love me some him, I'll never feel this way again, I love me some you, another man will never do...." - Toni Braxton, 'I Love Me Some Him'

There was a time I sang this song with just one particular man in my mind. Despite the fact that I had 'fallen for' others before and after 'him,' none made me feel the words to this song quite like 'he' did. You see, this man not only 'tickled my fancy,' he truly had my heart. He had my heart in his back pocket, shirt pocket, jacket pocket, chokehold, stronghold, death grip, locked up, locked down and completely covered. The feelings I had for 'him' were not your usual lovey-dovey, topsy-turvy, he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not kind of flutters. It was the kind of love where you see yourself in 50 years, sitting on the front porch, rocking in your chair with him by your side; you sipping on a sweetly mixed cocktail while he sips straight up gin (what? old people can't sip??). The kind of love where, if something tragic, exciting, inspiring, upsetting or hilarious happens to you or around you, he's the first person you want to call & share the news with. The kind of love where, when you get home from work, or get ready for bed or wake up in the morning, his face is the only face you want to see. The kind of love where, no matter what other guys offer, look like, are capable of or willing to do, they cannot sway you from 'his' grasp. Yeah, that kind of love.

Yet, all of this loving was getting me....us....nowhere. Our relationship was stuck in 'neutral.' There was no commitment made nor labels established. Each of us had entertained others, at one time or another, yet we always found our way back to each other. As much as some things changed around us, things remained the same between us. At first, I thought, he must not realize how much I care for him. So, I started to do things I believed would prove to him just how deep my feelings were. Things that showed that, no matter who else I may take a liking to, he was the man for me. Things I thought would shake him up and make him see that I was, indisputably, the woman for him. What kinds of things, you're wondering? Let's just say, he received middle-management benefits while performing entry level work.

No, I wasn't stupid (stop calling me names, that's not nice!). No, I'm not blind (though the prescription in my glasses is pretty strong). No, I'm not desperate (I mean, I could have somebody.....anybody....if I wanted but, I told you, I loved me some him!). I loved everything....well, almost everything....about him. From the way he scratched his head to the way he chewed his food to the way he said my name to the way he boyishly laughed to the way he clumsily held me in his arms to the way he....well, you get the picture.

I loved me some him.

Yes, I knew he didn't deserve the treatment, consideration and pieces of me I gave to him. Yet, I always found a reason to excuse his behavior and justify this pattern of mine. I never stopped to think about how little effort he put into making me smile or satisfying my needs or fulfilling my wants and desires. He would always tell me how much he loved me and how special I am to him, but his actions never backed up those claims. His 'love' for me never inspired or motivated him to change his ways, treat me the way a special love should be treated or take any action towards upgrading the quality of our relationship. So, his 'love' wasn't worth much.

I began to question myself.

How do you love this man so much when you are not loving yourself enough? 
This love you have for him is unrequited, so what is your point of participating in this relationship?
Do you believe you can't find some other 'him' to love....a 'him' that will love you back?

It became clear to me: while I was loving me some him, I was not loving me.

I made the decision to, finally and permanently, stop the madness. I didn't tell myself the lie that I would just cut him off cold turkey and never talk to him again. I didn't send him 'dear john' texts or give him an ultimatum (as I had in the past). I knew the 'all or nothing' tactic didn't work because I never stuck to my guns. So, I tried a different approach. I weaned myself off of him. I decreased the amount of time I spent communicating and interacting with him. Eventually, it became crystal clear to him that I was serious about ending his chapter in my life. It was then that he offered to do things for me and with me that I had longed for him to do in the past; but it was too little, too late.

I was filling my own love tank, quenching my own thirst for companionship and paying attention to my own wants and desires. Although I still loved me some him, I finally focused on loving me some me! 

Woman Seeking Man

I gave up, quit, threw in the towel on the online dating scene. Already? you say. Yup! Already. 

You see, I joined the online dating community with the hopes of finding someone I could meet, date and possibly end up in a relationship with. I looked forward to meeting people who are interesting, fun, mature, attractive, sexy, stable, secure and open to the possibilities I am open to. I thought I'd have a good chance since I am attractive, intelligent, fun, fabulous and a lot of other good things. Not so much. In my month-long membership, I have not met ONE guy who has gained enough of my interest to want to date him. There was one who had my attention (physically stimulating), a couple who were nice to talk to (but leaned towards the boring side), a few who were fun/interesting to talk to (but showed clear warning signs of 'crazy ahead') and some who just tried too hard (using cheesy poetry, cliches and terms of endearment). However, there was one guy (that I will refer to as 'Jack') I did exchange phone numbers with, speak to on the phone and had a mild interest in. He invited me to go to the mall with him, on a whim (or so I thought) and, immediately, I told him yes, I would go. 

I met him in the parking lot of a nearby shopping plaza. My sister drove me there so she could meet him, see his face, car and license plate number. He seemed harmless over the phone and I felt very comfortable with him and although I know anything is possible, I was stupid crazy outta my mind cool with getting in the car with him. So I did. Conversation started off good. He did most of the talking, I laughed at his jokes & sarcastic remarks and I shared some things about myself. It was a 45 minute drive (due to traffic) to our destination and, within the first 5 minutes, I knew I wouldn't want to see this guy again. The rest of the time we were together reinforced that feeling and three things stood out for me.

#1 - Physically, Jack wasn't appealing to me. In his pictures, he looked attractive but when I saw him in person, I realized he was hiding one thing in all of his pics - a big belly. Now, I have a tubby tummy myself so I'm not judging or being shallow. The difference between me and  him is that I did not hide that fact in my dating profile. I included head shots and full body pics. Of course, I try to dress in a manner that will not put my belly on display but it ain't hard to see that I do have one. He clearly did not want to show his and he made remarks about himself (while we were in the car) that let me know he is insecure about his body.

Not only am I carrying extra weight around my middle but I have also dated (loved and was crazy attracted to) other guys who are overweight, with big bellies. However, the way they carried themselves made a big difference in how I felt towards them. They were confident and sure about themselves. Their weight or body shape did not hold them back from holding their heads high. Jack's posture in the car was of a lazy, sloppy nature. He seemed to be well groomed and smelled nice but his body language told me he had no swag (sorry, can't think of another word that expresses that) and he knew it.


#2 - Jack was not the 'boss-type' of guy I perceived him to be. In his pics, he came across as a guy who is a 'man's man.' The kind of guy that takes his lady by the hand and leads her through a crowd, who stands behind her at the bar and orders her drinks for her, who scoops her up in his arms and squeezes her tight. Instead, he was the kind of guy who makes sarcastic remarks that are insults in disguise (jerk). The kind of guy who gets in the car first while his 'date' stands waiting for him to unlock her door - from the inside (not a chivalrous bone in his body)! The kind of guy who sneaks in touches & feels with the hopes that he won't, or belief that he shouldn't, be checked on it (perv tendencies). 

While talking in the car, he used his hands expressively and touched my leg once or twice and even came veryclose to touching my breast. I gave him the benefit of the doubt the first two times he made or almost made contact with me, but on the third time, I had to check him. When I told him to keep his hands to himself, he had the nerve to be defensive & offensive, at the same damn time! He told me I need to relax and calm down. Then he grabbed my hand and rubbed it on the upper thigh area of his jeans and (in a joking manner) asked if that made me feel better. I told him it did not. It actually made me very uncomfortable, but I didn't tell him that. Instead, I laughed it off and tried to make the best of the situation. 

#3 - Jack is a cheap bastard. He told me, when he was with his ex-wife, they went dutch on outings to the movies because it's too expensive for one person to pay. Excuuuuuuse me?!  Yes, the movies are expensive but there are ways to cut down on the expenses other than going dutch. I'm not opposed to going dutch or even, footing the bill sometimes. However, that would be after a few dates and my idea to do so. For a guy to suggest it, especially in the beginning phase, is a turnoff for me. I know times are hard for a lot of folks but, sir, if you don't have the money to take a woman to the movies or on a decent lunch or dinner date, please get off the dating scene.

In addition to the movies scenario, he made other statements to let me know he wasn't the type to spend money. Don't get me wrong. I'm not nor have I ever been a gold-digger. I just like for a man to want to spend his money on me...whether it be for a movie date or very nice birthday/holiday gift. Or a simple book that I have interest in. While we were in one store, I picked up a book and flipped through it. I looked at the price then put it down. He asked me how much it cost and I told him. He said nothing and walked away. I picked up another and did the same thing. That time, he said nothing.That was it for me. Yes, I can pay my own way & for my own things, but that isn't the point. In fact, I didn't really want the books, I just wanted to see if he would offer to buy it (or something) for me...especially since he invited me to go to the mall! I mean, really, what kind of man asks a woman to go to the mall with him then not offer to buy her anything?! 

I think he's done that before though. Take a drive to the mall (under a bs premise that he needed to find sneakers for his son), walk around, get a feel for her and spend not a dime. Well, he did offer to buy me something to eat from the food court (ha!) but, by then, I had lost my appetite.

I lost my appetite for food, any connection with that fella and the online dating scene. I know what you're thinking. I shouldn't let one person spoil the whole experience. I haven't been online long enough to give it a fair chance. There are success stories from online dating. Yeah. Yeah Yeah. You do you and let me do me. From the short time I was online, the exchanges that I've had and that one 'date,' I've realized that online dating is just not for me. Not only does it not give people a real glimpse of who I am as a person, but it enables too many fakes, frauds & imposters to be a part of my life, no matter how short the time is. I've lived enough and learned enough lessons to know I need to follow my own gut, do what feels good/right to me and not be afraid to make choices that are in my best interest. Ok, it's really not that deep.....but then again, it is. 

There's nothing like being in front of a person, talking to them, looking at them, seeing the way they move and feeling the vibes they give off. That is a much better way to gauge whether or not you want to pursue anything with someone. It's a waste of time, in my opinion, to set up a profile, stalk check your mailbox, read/send messages, give out your phone number, text or talk to people then realize they aren't worth your time. You can't get that time back. Yes, we can still be fooled by people in person but, I think we would waste less of our valuable time doing so. If I had met Jack in person, I would have never given him my phone number or the time of day. I would've immediately dismissed him as a 'cornball' and moved on to the next. But, I'm glad I had the experience. Now I know what it's like in the online dating world. I'm not saying I'll never try it again but for now, I'll stick to real life.