Be Careful What You Wish For: UPDATE

What a HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME it was! 

As promised, my sister (who I will refer to as 'NT' going forward) had a few great surprises lined up for me. My birthday agenda started off with a manicure and pedicure; then we proceeded to a local chain restaurant, where we had dinner and drinks with a couple friends. During this time, NT informed me that the surprise she had scheduled for 9:30 pm wasn't going to pan out. That news  immediately took me from a happy place to a frowning face. She asked me if I had anything I wanted to do and, of course, I didn't. As I mentioned in my previous post, my funds were limited and the clothes I was wearing were not fit for much more than (a place similar to) where we were. I did have on some beautiful, leopard print Michael Kors booties that I ordered a few weeks ago, as a gift to myself. But, the outfit I put together was very casual. Cute, but not fabulous as it should have been. Anyway, believing my night was going to end just as I was starting to feel good, I was ready to go home and park myself in front of the TV (as usual). Then, one of the ladies I was with convinced me to go to the next spot (which was a bar/restaurant that I had no desire to go to). As soon as we arrived, I was pissed. The place was packed, which would have fine if there was a table available for me and the ladies. We had to walk around and wait for over an hour before we were able to get a table. By then, I (and another person I was with) was ready to call it a night. But, we didn't. After having a couple more drinks, my mood improved and I was ready to party. Since this place isn't exactly a 'partying' spot, I settled for dancing in my seat and in the aisle with NT's boyfriend. Then, out of nowhere, one of my sisters & my brother in law (who flew in from our hometown that evening), his cousin and another guy I know from my hometown walked in! Ooooohhhhhhh chile, was I surprised and happy to see them!! My mood increased by a 1000....and so did my alcohol level. As soon as they arrived, they ordered a round of shots for everyone....then another....then a round of drinks.....and another. By the time we were ready to leave that place, I was way over my limit. I went home that night, feeling drunk off of love and liquor!

NT had something planned for me the next day, as well, so I had to deal with the hangover in order to make it to my next birthday surprise. It was a struggle for me to get it together but it was definitely worth it. I was treated to a 90 minute, full-body massage and sugar foot scrub. Can you say, 'heavennnnnnnnnnnn!' It was my first time getting a professional massage and it was everything I imagined it to be plus more. My massage therapist was a woman, with a very sweet voice and strong, skilled hands. At first, her touch felt a little suspect (light feather touches over the legs and buttocks that seemed to be unnecessary) then I realized it was just part of the process. I found it difficult to fully relax, in the beginning but before I knew it, I had completely surrendered. I woke myself up, several times, from my own snoring. At one point, my snoring was so loud, I scared myself! I was so embarrassed. However, I learned that a client's snoring is actually a compliment to the massage therapist. It lets them know that their client is fully relaxed and, likely, satisfied with their treatment. I was. After the massage, I had to go shopping for something to wear to the birthday party we were planning to attend that evening (in honor of my brother in law's sister).

The shopping trip was an emotional one for me (unbeknownst to my sis) because, for some reason that I haven't figured out, I experienced an 'Aha! moment' that hadn't hit me before. For me, shopping has always been stressful. I could never wear the things I wanted to wear and when I did find something I liked, in my size 20, it was almost always either too expensive or too matronly. When I walked in the store yesterday, I went straight to the plus-size section, as I usually did. I found nothing there and I started to leave the store, disappointed, but stopped to think maybe….just maybe…I could find something in the ‘regular’ sized section. Mind you, it's been a good while since I've lost weight and have been able to shop and find nice things in the regular sections so, I don't understand why this time, I hesitated. I looked, timidly at first, then I saw something I liked. I figured the leggings I chose would fit because they’re stretchy but I was skeptical about the shirt. Imagine my joy when I tried the outfit on and not only did it fit but I looked damn good in it! That motivated me to find some nice jewelry to match. I found a set in gold and silver so I bought both. Having those items and knowing I was going to look great boosted my enthusiasm to go to the party that night. Usually, I’m the party pooper; the ladies can’t stand me because I almost always opt out of partying with them. But, they don’t understand (or even know about) the anxiety I feel. Although we're not in competition and I know I can hold my own, I have to admit that, hanging with the glammed out divas has been difficult for me, at times. It's not always easy finding clothes that make me feel & look like a million bucks (like the divas always do) instead of the overweight auntie that a lot of plus-sized clothing made me feel & look like. Before we went shopping, I wasn't too excited about going out again but, after getting my outfit and accessories, I was looking forward to it. I went home, took a good nap (in an effort to sleep off the lingering effects from the night before) and when I woke up, I felt rested and ready to party. I got dressed with 100 % enthusiasm and 0% anxiety. I went to the party feeling good and enjoyed myself to the fullest (complete with more shots and drinks....omg).  

On Sunday, I woke up with a happy heart and smiling face. I enjoyed breakfast and conversation with NT and 2 friends. That evening, NT made one of my favorite meals and our sister joined us for dinner. We spent some quality time together before it was time for her to return home. 

My birthday weekend was more beautiful than I imagined it would be. Not only did I have a great time but it was one of those times that was great because it included activities and people that made a significant mark in my personal history book. Spending my first birthday away from 'home' was truly a wonderful and memorable experience! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! 

Be Careful What You Wish For......

Today is my birthday. I'm not excited and I'm not shouting it from the rooftop (as you can tell from the letter case and punctuation I used) but I am happy. I'm blessed to see another day and to have made it another year. However, I will admit that I feel a bit bummed.

In my family, birthdays are a huge deal and whenever possible (which is almost always), we celebrate in a significant way. We can't/don't always have big parties but a gathering of family & friends with cake, food, drinks and even a few cards/gifts are always on the agenda. This year is different. This year, I am 1200 miles away from the people I usually spend my birthday with. I am 1200 miles away from my personal stylist (sister, who makes sure my hair and wardrobe is right for the occasion), my cheerleaders (daughter & grandiva, who make me smile on the wakeup), my partner in crime (sistercous, who I could count on for a manicure/pedicure) and my crazy clan (of sisters, cousins and friends) who make sure I have a wildly fun time! Just as I wished to be, months ago. Before I came to Charlotte, I longed for a calmer atmosphere, less crowded holidays & turned down celebrations. I couldn't wait to 'do things differently.'  And different, they have been.

Last night, while watching our usual Thursday night TV programs, my sister surprised me with a beautiful, delicious red velvet cake along with a very cute birthday card, which informed me that I should be dressed and ready to rock 'n roll by 5:00 pm this evening. She said she has a few surprises in store for me, which put a smile on my heart because I just love surprises (and great greeting cards)!  Still, I find it a struggle to get excited. I'm in a new city, with few relatives/friends and limited finances. I am unable to enjoy the sweet touches that usually come with my birthday and, more importantly, I do not have the people (my daughter, siblings and mother) around me that I cherish the most. Sure, I have a sister here (that I do love & cherish) and even a few other good women that I enjoy the company of. I know my sister is going to do her best to make sure I enjoy my evening....and I'm pretty sure I will. Yet, it's just not the same. I know this comes with the territory of moving away and believe me, I thought about it.....a lot.... before I made the move. I just really didn't think it would be such a big deal being away from my family & friends on this day. But, it is.

To some of you, I may sound ungrateful and/or immature. There are folk who regard a birthday as 'just another day' or believe that birthday expectations & celebrations are for kids. You may be thinking, I should be happy I'm still alive (I am), I should appreciate my sister and her efforts (I do), I should embrace where I am now  (I have) and I should get over being away from my hometown loved ones (I will). It's just that, this is my first year not being able to celebrate with my usual crew. The first year I won't be able to enjoy their big laughter, crazy antics and loving gestures. The first year I celebrate without my favorite people. But, as the saying goes, there's a first time for everything.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. 

The Queen City

So, I've been in Charlotte, NC aka The Queen City, for about 2 months now and, so far, so good. The city has a lot to offer a single, woman like me who prefers quiet living with city appeal, has creative wings that need to be spread and enjoys having an active social life. The community I live in is nicely designed (as most like it seem to be) with great amenities, my neighbors are seen but rarely heard and most of all, it's affordable. Granted, my sister is footing the bill for our living expenses, as she so lovingly offered to do, allowing me time to gain employment and use the funds I have to maintain the bills that this move did not eliminate. But once I get on, it's nice to know I will be able to maintain (and eventually, elevate) my standard of living. Many of you may be saying, "What! You moved to a new state and you don't have a job?!" Yes I did and no, I don't. Not because I am irresponsible, rash or naive but because I cherish my health over a paycheck.

I made this move for a few reasons, but my mental and emotional health was at the top of the list. The life I was living back 'home' became so stressful and overwhelming that it, literally, was life-threatening. This is not to say, a change in location is the remedy to a health problem, but sometimes, it needs to be part of the prescription. In my case, it was necessary. Since arriving in Charlotte, NC, I have experienced a significant change (for the better) in my mental & emotional outlook. I can move through my day without having to take care of, worry about or be infringed upon by another person. I don't feel the need to succumb to any pressures to do anything and I don't feel responsible for anyone else's problems. Being away from the sources of those issues allows me the time and space to correct them, within myself. Of course, I still have some concerns, that come with being away from my grandmother, my daughter and the gran'diva. I still experience urges to 'fix' whatever problems they may be experiencing but being 1200 miles away from them does not allow me to do so (as easily as being right there would). There are times that I wish I could be there to soothe my granddaughter when she's upset, assist my daughter when she needs a break and spend time with my grandmother, who has forgotten who I am (by voice and name). But I have to 'let go and let God.' Keeping the faith that they will fare just fine without me there to cushion every fall, soothe every hurt or ease every pain. Not only that, I now have no excuse to not 'get my life!' (as Tamar Braxton would say).

Of course, I miss my loved ones like crazy! I miss being able to jump in the car and drive a few blocks to one of my sister's houses. I miss Friday night girl talks with my favorite cousins & friends. I miss Sunday dinners with the family. I miss being able to 'dial-a-hairdo' or order up an impromptu meeting for dinner & drinks. I miss chilling out with my mother. I miss my daily work commute with my daughter and gran'diva. I miss chatting & laughing with a few of my coworkers-turned-friends. Hell, I miss going to work. I just miss home. But, overall, I am good here. I haven't quite started 'living' in the Queen City but the future looks promising. I plan to be here for a very long time as this is a great place for me to enjoy my 'Second Act.' I look forward to getting settled into a work routine, developing an active social life and making Charlotte, NC my home away from home.

The Beginning Of The End.......

For a long time, (I know) my friends & family have wanted me to lose weight. I'm sure some of them have prayed, on many occasions, to the 'fat-blasting gods' to come and take this fat away. I can tell, by some of the looks I get and, the looks I don't get, that they wish I would take this fat suit off already. But no one has wanted it more than I have. 'You didn't REALLY want it,' is probably what you're saying inside your head. But, really, I did...and I do. For anyone who has had to lose more than 20 lbs., let alone my goal of 100, they know losing weight is just as much, if not more than, a mental battle as it is a physical fight. Physically, I know what to do and I am very capable of doing it. Once I get moving, it's on. Mentally, however, it has been a constant struggle. The main thing I've learned in my 17 plus years of battling the bulge is that I can't do this for anyone else and a quick-fix ain't the way. Dropping the pounds to gain the love, adoration, attraction, attention and affection from a man or woman is not a sustainable reason. That kind of weight loss lasts about as long as a May-December romance, if that. Taking the weight off by drinking shakes, taking pills or by way of a starvation diet is only a set up for a big ass 'F.' So, I'm happy to say that I am approaching this round with only weapons of healthy eating and exercising (with the assistance of a personal trainer) and I'm in it to win it for ME......starting today.

For the past three weeks, I've been keeping a food diary of (almost) everything I eat, on a daily basis. I don't have any weird cravings or unique tastes but I do have two very bad habits: eating out and eating late. So, those are the 2 things I'm working on changing in the next 3 weeks. Along with that, today is the first day of my 12-week exercise program. I've been talking to myself all day, chasing away that 'excuse-demon' who lives inside my head. Today marks the beginning of the end of the 'pretty fat caterpillar'..... this black butterfly is ready to spread her wings and soar.......................

Alas, my journey has begun!