FLASHBACK POST: IT’S OFFICIAL!

This is an excerpt from my short-lived Facebook mini-blog, The Musings of a G’va: documenting & discussing the ups & downs, ins & outs and rounds & rounds of becoming a 'premature' grandmother, written on June 29, 2010

I just came from my daughter’s first prenatal doctor appointment and my belly is so abuzz with excitement that I can’t finish my lunch (and believe me, I was HUNGRY since before we got to the appointment). All day, I was looking forward to the appointment (after getting a last minute ‘welcoming to accompany’ from her last night) but I can't say I was excited about it. I was more curious to know how far along she was and when I could expect my life to change indefinitely and immeasurably.

When I first heard my daughter was pregnant, I was on fire! ‘Why would she do something so stupid, so careless, so irresponsible, so disappointing?!’ Why would she do this to herself?! Why would she do this to meeeeeeeeeee?!’ I heard the  news from someone else and didn’t want to ask my daughter for fear of the confirmation but, I knew I’d have to face it sooner or later. I preferred sooner. So I asked. She denied it but I knew she was lying. Ultimately, she confessed and my fate had been sealed. I had my moments of inner rage but was eventually able to make peace with the fact that I was going to become a grandmother before my 40th birthday. In doing so, I had to reflect back on my own experience.........

I remembered how it felt when I was ‘lost in love’ and became pregnant with my daughter; nobody could tell me a damn thing. My mother was greatly disappointed in me, being pregnant with a child at the age of 16 with 2 years of high school left to complete, but she never made me feel bad about it. She was there for me, every step of the way. So, I decided I would be my daughter’s ‘soft place to fall.’ She is, after all, almost 20 years old with two years of college under her belt. Who am I to put her down or make her feel ‘less than.’ At the same time, I didn’t want to appear to be too happy about the situation because, well.....I wasn’t. I wanted more for my child. My expectations were different. But she can’t live her life for me and I can’t live her life for her. So, I decided to be supportive and understanding, because, after all, this mother’s love is unconditional. But that was it; understanding and supportive was all I planned to be. Nothing more, nothing less. Until I sat in the chair next to my daughter’s bedside and watched the ultrasound technician do her thing………….

'Nurse Nancy' applied the gel to the ultrasound probe, adjusted my daughter’s clothing and placed the probe onto my daughter’s belly. After just a few seconds, I saw the clear ultrasound image of my grandbaby on the monitor, and I felt something change inside of me. I wanted to clap my hands and shout out with glee. But, I did neither.I kept my composure and stayed in my seat, but I smiled harder than I’ve smiled in a long time. My heart smiled too. I watched my daughter as she saw the image of her baby and I could see her ‘mother light’ flicker on. Her face brightened, her eyes lit up and she let out a little chuckle. Right then, I knew, everything would be okay and I was glad my daughter allowed me to share that special moment with her.

SUNDAYS with BFly.......

In two days, my gran'diva will turn One Year Old.....wow.  I know it's cliche, but it really does seem like just yesterday that I was ready to wring my daughter's neck and drop her narrow behind between the slits in a sewer cover for getting pregnant at such an inappopriate, unplanned for and totally not-ready-for time.  Ooh, I could've killed that girl! I digress......anyway, obviously, I got over it and from the moment I laid eyes on the gran'diva, in the womb (via ultrasound), I was in love. 

A'shari Q. A. Cooper is one delightful little girl with whom I plan to make great memories, spend tons of money, energy and time and just love, love, love until I can't love no mo'!  Having her in our lives has changed our circumstances drastically......but more for the better than not.  Watching my daughter grow and mature in ways she probably wouldn't have otherwise, at this age is both sobering and refreshing.  I'm convinced that A'shari aka Shar Star aka the gran'diva aka....okay, I'll stop now (hahaha)....was given to us for a few reasons: ONE, to motivate her mother to, not only hold fast to her goals & dreams but to put in that work to make them happen; TWO, to inspire her 89 year old great-great grandmother (my beloved grandma) to get up every morning and continue to live, laugh and love. The two of them together are like old friends....they each light up the other's life with their mere presence; and THREE, to remind her G'ammi (that's me) what pure, unconditional love is all about, to invigorate my spirit and push me to live life on the next level.

I remember being a pregnant teen and vowing to myself that I would not drop out of school (like my mother and alot of people predicted or thought I would) and I would not become a statistic.  Yes, I would have a baby and have to repeat the 11th grade but, by golly, I will walk across that stage with my head held high, if it's the last thing I do......and I did.  After graduating high school, I remember feeling like, 'I can't stop, won't stop.' Sure, I lost a scholarship due to my year late graduation but there were other schools I could apply to.  So, I did.....and I went on to college, leaving my 3 year old daughter at home and a relationship that I desperately wanted but knew was falling apart.  All through my college years (took me 6 years to complete my bachelor's degree), I struggled with trying to make that relationship work, take care of my daughter and earn my degree.  The one thing that kept me going was wanting to be better and do better for my child.

As did her mother, my gran'diva inspires me to stay strong in the game.  Her smile and laughter keep my spirits high, her growth and discovery make me want to learn and experience more....even her tears give me strength, as they remind me that continued patience is a virtue (cause that big mouth of hers sure can inspire one to lose their mind....lol) and communication is key.  She is a wonder to behold and for that, I can now let go of the plans & dreams I had for my daughter yesterday and give all praises due today, for the wonderful blessing of my granddaughter.   

Who or what uplifts your spirit and inspires you to be better?

A Dream Deferred......

Being an in-residence grandmother, I don't have the luxury of inviting or bringing my grandchild over to my house, enjoying my time with her then returning to sender.  Making surprise visits to my daughter's home is not an option.  Whisking my granddaughter off for a weekend away with G'ammi just ain't gonna happen.......at least, not now.  You see, there's a difference between being the kind of grandparent that kids anticipate seeing on the weekends and vacations and the kind who are in their faces every. single. datblam (family euphemism for the blasphemous gd). day!  Growing up, I loved to go to either of my grandparents' houses (paternal grandmother and maternal grandparents).  I knew, once there, I'd have more freedom than I could dream of having at home; my cousins, sisters and I could run amuck and there was sure to be some kind of edible treats.  If I went to Grandma & Grandpa's house, money was definitely in the cards as Grandpa loved to make his grandbabies happy by dishing out the green.  Some of my most treasured and wonderful memories were made with or at the houses of my grandparents. Which is why I vowed to be the greatest grandparent I could be to my grandchildren, when my time came.  Well, my time came much sooner than I anticipated or appreciated. 

When I thought of my life as a grandmother, I imagined..........I would move in with my daughter after she gave birth to help her and her husband with their first run at parenthood; I would call to check in from whatever city, state or country I was in at any given time; I figured I'd be doing drive-bys (dispensing love and gifts, not bullets) on the weekends. I wanted to be the grandma who would make travel arrangements, day spa appointments and shopping trips especially for me and my grands. I wanted to be a spontaneous, fun-loving, spoil-grands-rotten kind of grandmother.  But, I'm not quite that kind......yet. Since she lives with me, I see my granddaughter every day, except for the weekends when she goes to visit her other grandparents.  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing her every day and on the days I don't, I get some peace and quiet miss her.  But I wish I had a choice on whether or not I saw her every day and I wish our time together felt more like a retreat than an overstayed welcome.

Because my daughter is a first-time Mom and a growing, maturing and still learning about life young woman, I have to play the role of 2nd Mom more than I get to play Gammi the G'va (that's Grandma & Diva rolled into one).  I make bottles, wash bottles, do feedings, bath time, play time, nap time, bedtime, middle-of-the-night-soothing time, calm-yo-behind-down-before-I-skin-it time.....none of which fit into the times I had planned in my mind.  Granted, I don't do all of these things every singe day and some I've only done a few times BUT, the combined efforts I feel obligated to put forth cuts into my 'Gammi Time.'  So much so that I don't believe I've ever spent a full 24 hours with my gran'diva alone. I don't babysit her for more than a few hours at a time and I only babysit once in a good while. When she goes away on the weekends, I feel like I'm getting almost as big of a break as my daughter gets. Of course, I miss the gran'diva when she's away but I'm also glad to see somebody else get a taste of her baby-wrath her go on the weekends. One day, I'll be able to be the kind of grandmother I yearn to be.....but for now, I'll make the best of our family arrangements. Fortunately, for all involved, my gran'diva has other grandparents, aunts and uncles who love her to pieces and enjoy spending time with her.  My daughter has an awesome support system and for that, I am thankful!