HOME

So, I flew into my hometown last night for a surprise visit. My daughter had no clue I was coming so she was pleasantly shocked to see me walking into her apartment. She and my granddaughter were soundly sleeping when I arrived and although it was a school/work night, I had to wake them up. The grandiva was not happy to be awakened and she had no problem with hurting my feelings with her resistance. But once she was fully awake and realized her Gida was actually in the bed with her (yes, I got under the covers with her, fully clothed), she lit up. Then she scolded me for being in the bed with clothes on. We spent a couple hours hanging out then she reluctantly went back to sleep. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed she woke up, 6 hours later, ready for more quality time with her Gida. My eyes were burning from lack of sleep but, of course, I got right up with her. I contemplated spending the day with the grandiva, thinking she would not want to leave me to go to school. But she made it very clear that skipping a day of play with her friends was not on her mind. She enthusiastically got ready for school and, as she made her way out the door, she put up two fingers and said, 'Peace Gida!'....but only after she made sure I would be there when she returns.

My next stop was my mother's house. I decided to go there while she was at work and visit with my cousin and grandmother. I was anxious to see my grandmother's reaction to me since she had promptly forgotten who I was when I moved away. I spoke with my grandmother on the phone, a few days after I made it to Charlotte, and she did not know who she was talking to. She didn't remember my voice or my name. I cried. It broke my heart. At 90 years old, it's to be expected and I knew she had forgotten a lot of people. But never did I think she would forget me, especially not that fast. I was worried my leaving would cause my grandmother to become depressed or even sick, so when I thought about it, I realized her forgetting me was actually a blessing for her. She would not become heartsick or miss someone she did not remember. Still, I held out the hope that, if she saw me in person, her memory would be revived. When I arrived at the house, I walked straight in the unlocked door. After being greeted by my startled cousin with a bear hug, I stood face to face with my grandmother and said, 'Hiiiii Grandma! and wrapped my arms around her. When I pulled away, I asked her, 'Do you remember me?' She said, 'Yes but I haven't seen you in a while.' Whew! she remembers, I thought. A few minutes later, I asked her if she knew who I was and she said, 'no.' I told her my name and I told her I am her granddaughter. She just nodded and said, 'Well, I'm glad to see you' with the unspoken words 'whoever you are' lingering in the air. Nevertheless, I am happy she is still with us and I feel blessed to be in her presence.

As I sit here and wait for my mother's arrival home, my head aches due to fatigue resulting from the late night/early morning I had with my grandchild, my ears are being assaulted by my cousin's loud enjoyment of raisins she's eating, my eye is irritated from the love I received from our very excited-to-see-me dog (I am allergic to animal hair yet I can't resist her doggie hugs) and my arms are cold due to the NY fall temperatures that my short sleeved shirt is not suited for. Yet, it all feels and sounds so good because, no matter the new places you go, people you meet or experiences you have......there's no place like home!

A Dream Deferred......

Being an in-residence grandmother, I don't have the luxury of inviting or bringing my grandchild over to my house, enjoying my time with her then returning to sender.  Making surprise visits to my daughter's home is not an option.  Whisking my granddaughter off for a weekend away with G'ammi just ain't gonna happen.......at least, not now.  You see, there's a difference between being the kind of grandparent that kids anticipate seeing on the weekends and vacations and the kind who are in their faces every. single. datblam (family euphemism for the blasphemous gd). day!  Growing up, I loved to go to either of my grandparents' houses (paternal grandmother and maternal grandparents).  I knew, once there, I'd have more freedom than I could dream of having at home; my cousins, sisters and I could run amuck and there was sure to be some kind of edible treats.  If I went to Grandma & Grandpa's house, money was definitely in the cards as Grandpa loved to make his grandbabies happy by dishing out the green.  Some of my most treasured and wonderful memories were made with or at the houses of my grandparents. Which is why I vowed to be the greatest grandparent I could be to my grandchildren, when my time came.  Well, my time came much sooner than I anticipated or appreciated. 

When I thought of my life as a grandmother, I imagined..........I would move in with my daughter after she gave birth to help her and her husband with their first run at parenthood; I would call to check in from whatever city, state or country I was in at any given time; I figured I'd be doing drive-bys (dispensing love and gifts, not bullets) on the weekends. I wanted to be the grandma who would make travel arrangements, day spa appointments and shopping trips especially for me and my grands. I wanted to be a spontaneous, fun-loving, spoil-grands-rotten kind of grandmother.  But, I'm not quite that kind......yet. Since she lives with me, I see my granddaughter every day, except for the weekends when she goes to visit her other grandparents.  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing her every day and on the days I don't, I get some peace and quiet miss her.  But I wish I had a choice on whether or not I saw her every day and I wish our time together felt more like a retreat than an overstayed welcome.

Because my daughter is a first-time Mom and a growing, maturing and still learning about life young woman, I have to play the role of 2nd Mom more than I get to play Gammi the G'va (that's Grandma & Diva rolled into one).  I make bottles, wash bottles, do feedings, bath time, play time, nap time, bedtime, middle-of-the-night-soothing time, calm-yo-behind-down-before-I-skin-it time.....none of which fit into the times I had planned in my mind.  Granted, I don't do all of these things every singe day and some I've only done a few times BUT, the combined efforts I feel obligated to put forth cuts into my 'Gammi Time.'  So much so that I don't believe I've ever spent a full 24 hours with my gran'diva alone. I don't babysit her for more than a few hours at a time and I only babysit once in a good while. When she goes away on the weekends, I feel like I'm getting almost as big of a break as my daughter gets. Of course, I miss the gran'diva when she's away but I'm also glad to see somebody else get a taste of her baby-wrath her go on the weekends. One day, I'll be able to be the kind of grandmother I yearn to be.....but for now, I'll make the best of our family arrangements. Fortunately, for all involved, my gran'diva has other grandparents, aunts and uncles who love her to pieces and enjoy spending time with her.  My daughter has an awesome support system and for that, I am thankful!

On Second Thought....

When considering what to post today, I thought about about a few things that may have been viewed as negative and self-serving. First, I was going to vent about my disappointment in a few people close to me, then I thought I'd talk about one of (what I deem to be) my failures as a Mom, then I was gonna give an update on my 'WLS' journey. But none of those topics felt 'right' so, I decided to just wait.  I figured, throughout the course of the day, I would see, hear, read or think about something that would be interesting, positive and/or entertaining.....and fortunately, I was right. While perusing a few local blogs, I came across a post in which the author decided, for the month of November, she is going to post about being thankful. *Smacks myself in the forehead!* Why didn't I think of that?!  That idea is soooooooooooooo me!  Yeah....unh hunh.....well, I didn't think of it but I'm glad I ran across it because it's exactly what I am going to do. It will be an easy task to accomplish because I am thankful for so much already and I'm sure I'll have more to be thankful for in the coming days.  So, on that note, let me get started...........

Today, I give thanks for my grandmother, the beautiful Elizabeth, better known to many as 'Betty' or 'Liz'.....or the pretty old lady with a car full of 'junk.'  She is almost 89 years old and, though she now lives with me, is still pretty much an independent woman.  Physically, she is/has always been a stunningly beautiful woman.  Reddish-brown skin with black silky hair that, at one time, flowed down to her waist but is now thin, gray and shoulder length. She doesn't dress up much anymore but, when 'company' (which is mostly family) comes over, she fusses over her looks. On good days, she cracks jokes, requests a highball or a glass of blackberry wine and talks about the boyfriend she needs to get out and find.  They are few and far-between, but I love those times. From what I've heard and been a witness (sometimes party) to, it's safe to say that my grandmother led a very colorful life.  Through stories told by her and others, I have heard about her ups & downs, ins & outs, triumphs & tragedies and loves & losses she has enjoyed or endured.  In spite of, or because of, it all, I was blessed to have the most wonderful grandmother a girl could ever wish for.  Grandma has been my mother, teacher, doctor, banker, chauffeur, chef, bartender (ha!) and shopping buddy.  There's not an area of my life that she has not touched in some way.  She not only taught me how to be a lady but she showed me what a lady should look, behave and be treated like.  My grandmother has given so much to me, of her time, energy, money and self  that I couldn't begin to repay her. Guess it's a good thing she's always done those things out of the goodness of her heart. ;-)  Although life together can be frustrating and tough, I am grateful and thankful for each moment.  I will always cherish the memories I have and relish in each opportunity we get to make more.  I can't imagine (what) life (would have been like) without my Grandma in it.....for her simple presence, I am thankful.

Who are you thankful for?