Unmasked

Today is the day where people everywhere will don a mask and/or costume, pretend to be someone else and go around asking for tricks or treats.  There will be happy faces, sad faces, mad faces and scary faces.  Spirits of goodness and evil will abound.....matching or contrasting the people behind the masks. It's all in the name of fun. Unfortunately, some people do this every day of their lives. So much so that they don't know where their fantasy ends and their reality begins.  Sure, sometimes circumstances call for us to fake a smile when we'd rather growl, give a compliment where it isn't necessarily deserved or swallow our pride and do/say something we really don't want to say or do.  Then, there are times we find ourselves doing one or all of these things way more than we care to do them, to 'save face,' 'keep the peace,' or 'be the bigger person.'  We do them because we don't want to get anybody upset,  make anyone feel bad, be a part of the problem or, God forbid, be disloyal........especially when it comes to family.

Growing up, we are taught to never let anyone/anything come between us and our family....no matter what. Family first, 'blood is thicker than water' and all that good stuff. (As the saying goes) You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family and if you don't already, you better find something to like about your sister, brother, cousin, auntie, uncle, grandma or grandpa. After all, family is everything.....right? For the most part, loving, or even liking, our relatives is not an issue; we're usually good with the family that was chosen for us.  But sometiiiiiiiiiiiiimes (woooooohhhh!), we wish we could UNchoose some of our relatives......disown them.....obliterate them from the face of the earth.  Okay, I've gone too far.....but, you get my drift (I know y'all can relate).  I don't know if it's due to my age or my experiences.....probably a combination of both......but my tolerance level for BS is at an all-time low and I really can't take it anymore. I have some relatives who have all but worn out their welcome in my life and in my heart.  You know the kind....'just gotta have it' drama kings and queens or Mr./Ms. One-Upper, always in competition mode or Sour Sal/Susie, nothing/noone is ever good, right or happy in their world or Woe-is-me, Nobody-Loves-Me Always the Victim.  They suck the energy right out of every situation and everyone they come in contact with. 

For years, I have dealt with these people, shared with them, loved, encouraged and gone to bat for them.  Yet, at the end of the day, none of my efforts seem to be matter.  Not only do my actions go unreciprocated but are never appreciated and sometimes, downright dismissed and ignored. No amount of talking things out and telling them how I feel has changed that and probably never will. They are who they are. So why should I keep spending wasting my time, trying to build/sustain happy, healthy relationships with them when they obviously don't care to?  Why have I continued to be part of such lop-sided relationships, subjecting myself to unnecessary stress and constant drama?  I'll tell you why: because I've been hoping for a miracle that is what I was raised to do (thanks alot Dad!), because I love my family, because it's expected of me and because it is the 'right' thing to do??  Yeah.....unh hunh.....riiiigggghhhhht.  Actually, all of those reasons seemed to be good enough reasons to do so.  But, when I stopped to think about it, I realized,  all of those reasons have nothing to do with my happiness and everything to do with someone else's.  Well, it's about time I tend to my own happy...and, in order to do so, I must separate from the crazies some of my family members.

Yes, I'm breaking up with them y'all. I am going to entertain the possibilities of life without (so much of) them. I will no longer cater to the needs of 'the group' over the satisfaction of my own. I refuse to participate in activities that cause me stress, strain, pain and sadness.  I am no longer going to play the game of, 'Us Against The World' when I know it's really 'Us Against Each Other.'  I can't keep smiling for the cameras when what I really wanna do is throw the camera in your face(speaking to my relatives here). Yes, I know.....you are used to behaving this way because it is how you were groomed to be. Your upbringing didn't leave room for true, unconditional love becaue it was tainted by someone else's feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and hate...or just plain ole ignorance. However, I was not raised like that. I was taught to love, cherish and honor my family; to  be there for mine and always have their backs. I tried to show you how to love (Weezy F. Baby!  Okay, I digress....) yet, time after time, you've rebelled, denied, shunned and disbelieved.  You've disrespected the family legacy, gone against the grain and disturbed my peace more times than I care to recall. Your numerous violations to the family unit have shown that all efforts to keep love alive have been in vain. You are so far gone now that, even if you wanted to, you don't know how to stop playing the role.....and I really do feel sorry for you. However, I can no longer be a part of this reality show-like life we've all grown so comfortable being a part of. Unlike you, I am happy with the role I was given in my own fabulous life this world...quirks, flaws, mistakes and all. Therefore, I am leaving the set and finally removing the mask.

Cheers To The Freakin Weekend.......

In celebration of the upcoming 'holiday,' there are Halloween parties going down, all over town, all weekend.  My sisters, friends and I usually get together and throw a big bash but, this year, we're keeping it simple: On Saturday, a small group of us will get together and have lots of ghould food and drinks, music and cameras flashing (or clicking) everywhere.  We're planning to party at a club or two; I'm sure, whatever we decide to do, we will have a blast doing it.  

Enjoy your Halloween, everyone....and BE SAFE!

Home......

I spent a few days in Charlotte, NC this past weekend and.....oh, what a feeling!  I went to visit my sister & her boyfriend and to see what the Queen City was all about. Along with escaping the daily stress of my life at home, I mostly wanted to get an idea of what life would be like, as the third  wheel roommate in my sister's house. Although I didn't get a tour of the city, I went along with my sister, as she ran errands. I realized almost everything is a drive away; there would be no such thing as running to the corner store real quick. I also met a few good people and saw some great (looking) neighborhoods. Nights were quiet and peaceful so I was able to get a good night's sleep.  What a difference a restful sleep makes!

As for extra-curricular activities, I didn't want to go to any clubs so partying was not in the plan.  We did go out for drinks on Saturday night, though. We stopped in at Wet Willie's and had one of their famous alcoholic daiquiris and some food.  Then, we went to a sports bar where a live band was playing. I loved the atmosphere of the place but the crowd was geared more towards my mother's age group. Nevertheless, I enjoyed myself. While I didn't experience the nightlife full-blast, I've done my research so I know Charlotte has a lot for me to discover and experience. I spent most of my vacation close to the (my sister's) house but, I must say, with its 'small town in a big city' appeal, Charlotte felt like....home.

A Higher Power.....

Starting today, on Sundays, my blog will feature strictly inspirational, spiritual and motivational posts; whether they be in the form of song lyrics, poetry, short story (fact or fictional), testimonial or even photographs.  I'm not a particularly religious person but I do believe in God, a higher power, spiritual leadership. I wanna take the time to acknowledge, share and reflect that which empowers me when I am weak, reminds me of hope when my days are dark and keeps me faithful when life deals a challenging blow.  Also, that which keeps me healthy, sustains my happy spirit, enlightens my mind and serves as a buoy of my heart.

Please feel free to share, in the comment section, what inspires, motivates and invigorates your spirit.

God Is Love and Love Is Me.

Livin Large...........

I am afraid of heights but I love to fly. The first time I flew in an airplane, as an adult (flew to California as a toddler but I have no memory of that), I found it to be a relaxing experience. Nothing about it scared me, at all. I looked out the window as the plane made its ascent and all I felt was a sense of calm. I was on my way to Atlanta to visit my cousin, see the much-talked about city and develop my blueprint for a small-town escape. At the time, I was 190 lbs. Since that trip, back in 2001, I have flown many times and gained 47 lbs. Most have been pleasurable experiences. The two times I did not enjoy my flight were the time I had to sit in the middle of two strangers and the time (yesterday) I sat near two people who apparently had issue with (people who are) my size. The time I was assigned a middle seat, on a full plane, the ride was very uncomfortable. I basically sat with my arms crossed in front of me almost the entire time. I didn't want to touch my 'neighbors' or infringe upon their personal space. When I got off that plane, my joints and muscles ached but I don't think I made the trip uncomfortable for the people I sat between.

Yesterday, on my way to Charlotte, NC, I had to take two flights. On the first flight, I sat in a row containing 2 seats, near a slim woman who seemed to be on the friendly side. For the first hour of the flight, she fidgeted and moved around quite a bit in her seat. Seems she couldn't decide if she wanted to read or sleep. While she was reading, she rested her arm on the armrest between us and her elbow felt like it was perched in my side. I said nothing. I wasn't sure if she was doing it purposely, as if to say, 'you wanna take up some of my space, I'm gonna take up some of yours' or if she wasn't aware that she was poking me with her bone. I finally decided to pull myself into my space as much as possible and go to sleep.

On the second leg of the trip, I had a window seat in a row of three seats. My two seatmates were already settled in by the time I boarded the plane. Once seated and buckled in, I noticed the woman seated beside me had begun to fidget and move around like my seatmate on the last flight.  She finally decided to read, and she rested her arm on the armrest between us. Then, I felt the elbow. This woman seemed to be poking her elbow more than was necessary. But, because I didn't want to cause a disturbance on the plane, I said nothing. I simply shifted my body away from the armrest, as much as I could.  I was pretty comfortable pressed against the wall of the plane and figured I'd be fine for the 34 minute flight.  Then, a man walked up to the row in front of us and indicated to the people sitting there that the middle seat was his.  As he took his seat, he said to them, 'I'm glad you two aren't large.' 'Wow,' I thought to myself, 'Damn, people actually say that out loud?' I mean, I know there are people who think overweight passengers should pay for two seats if they take up more space than the one seat they paid for. But to actually hear a person say that, it hurt. I couldn't stop thinking about the obnoxious remark and I couldn't help but wonder if my seatmates thought I should've paid for another seat.